These are my marriage regrets, writes this month’s guest letter writer. As she reflects on her marriage to her ex-husband she looks at where she went wrong, what she wishes she’d done differently – and what she wishes he had done differently.
Welcome to our new column, A Letter To… In the coming months some of our most well-known Kiwis and everyday heroes will be penning letters about a topic close to their hearts. Some of their names you will know very well, while other’s will be kept anonymous to protect the privacy of the subjects. Whether it is a letter to a specific someone, or a group of people, or simply an open letter to broach a difficult subject, each will be very different, but all will share one common thread; they will all be written from the heart.
This month we hear from a woman who has written a very personal letter to her ex-husband as she reflects on what went wrong in their marriage, what role they each played and what she’d do differently if she got to live it over again. While she has sent this letter to her ex-husband (and he has read it!) today, she’d like to stay anonymous. Here is her beautiful letter:
In 2017, our then 13-year-old daughter turned to me and said, “I’m never going to get married, and I don’t think I want children.” I went silent, I was floored. I felt a tidal wave of regret wash over me. Hearing this as a mum, I felt like I had let our children down. This was a profound moment in my life as a divorcee. What could we have done differently to improve circumstances for our precious children?
Post-divorce, I sit in the knowledge that not only did it take five years to finalise, I also spent six figures in that process. At times, I felt isolated and alone in what was a version of divorce hell. Not only did it impact me, but it also impacted everyone around me, especially our children.
Did you know that when we were first married, I daydreamed about our 60-year wedding anniversary with all our loved ones in the room? But I never stopped to think, really think, about what we needed to do as a couple to get there.
As I sit penning this, all these years later, do I wish our divorce outcome could have been different? Yes, of course I do. Whilst my decision was spur of the moment, divorce was not where I envisaged our marriage would go.
In 2004, before our marriage fell apart, we had built and sold a very successful business with a beautiful child, and another on the way. We were on top of the world.
Fast-forward, I was at home most of the time with our beautiful children, all aged under six. We had just lost my Mum to cancer, and I was, at best, sleeping three hours a night. My emotional pain and sleepless nights were swallowed up by a flood of scattered toys, nappies and dirty dishes. I desperately needed support, but neither you nor I had the communication skills to navigate what became our cracking marriage.
This affected us greatly — how could it not? By then, we were living separate lives and had become different people. I know we were unravelling and on separate paths to what we wanted — our goals, our dreams, our future.
When I look back, I often think this was the time when I was at both my richest and unhappiest, because some days I felt worthless. How could I feel that way when our children needed me? I don’t know how you felt because we didn’t make time to talk about how either of us was coping. I wish I had insisted that we made time for us and utilised the time created with the in-home support we were able to have – but I was in a fog of sleeplessness and grief.
I was unhappy in the last few years. Yes, I joined a gym and took the children to the kid’s crèche. I did this because I was unhappy, I needed the endorphins and something just for me that was about me. I realise that I had been looking for something that might bring a change to how I was feeling about things, but it emotionally didn’t occur, and I am sorry for that.
There are many things I would have us do differently if we could turn back time. Firstly, I regret snapping and saying it was over. I just blurted it out to you, I couldn’t help myself. One of my biggest regrets is that you witnessed me taking off my wedding ring at an event. I am truly sorry for that. My emotions were not under control at that time; I was not okay, and it was minute by minute for me. I dreaded waking up when my first thought each morning was, ‘How many emotions am I going to go through today?’. I was not someone who was coping.
I wish someone had given us a list of questions we could ask each before committing to marriage and before our children came along. In the early days of building our business, we could have asked those questions during all the late nights we were up together. We would have learnt more about each other, including how we saw our finances working. We also would have known how we each viewed success.
We could have had a conversation about preparing for the worst, should we separate, while we were in our happy space. I know we would have agreed on the difficult things, as opposed to being emotionally dysregulated, which is where I ended up the week I declared my desire to separate. A lot of what we had to deal with in the first few weeks could have been mitigated.
If I had known then, what I know now, I would have asked for us to have a postnup after we sold our business. I don’t know how you would have felt about that. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, I did. If we had had one, we would have both been able to move on sooner and happier. But we didn’t, and when emotions were high, there were arguments about our money. The well-being and long-term effects on our children have been the most significant consequence of our divorce, and they continue to experience its impact even today.
Looking back, I should have asked to be involved in our finances. I did have access to our bank accounts, but beyond a lady’s account and paying our household expenses, my involvement went no further. One of the MOST important things for me should have been my own independence and my own bank account, but I didn’t talk to you about this. I didn’t manage any of our finances beyond the household expenses. It didn’t occur to me until we separated, but how did I not even have my own credit card? Yes, I did establish and manage our children’s bank accounts and set up their KiwiSaver; I was thankful for that.
I am sorry that you were left to manage it all while I was busy dishing up the spaghetti bolognese for the kids. I just had no concept of money. I’m sorry for that, too. You dealt with the money, and I thought, ‘She’ll be right.’
I was not honest with you about what I saw as realistic and unrealistic expectations, and with that, we became that bit more segregated. I was disappointed, and I didn’t ask you if you were too.
In retrospect, I should have been assertive about prioritising more regular date nights. I am sure you had your own feelings about how we were as a couple. It’s clear to me now that I didn’t ask you to engage with me in the meaningful conversations that I needed us to have. We also never went to couples counselling before things really started to fall apart. The horse had bolted by the time we sought help, and as I had already moved on emotionally, it was too late.
When we separated, our emotions were all over the place. I can barely comment on this because of the shame I felt and still feel. Our situation became a toxic mess. I was under-prepared and uneducated about what mediation was and how difficult I would find it because no good decisions are made after 2 – 3 hours of facilitated guided resolution or more formal mediation.
In my emotional state, I forgot that lawyers are lawyers and not best friends. My lawyer focused on the legalities of my situation, he was not a licensed counsellor. I turned to him as a confidant – I was calling him at the drop of a hat and, of course, being charged for it every six minutes. I also forgot everything I knew and just agreed with the advice to hopefully end my nightmare. This was a big mistake because the escalation of conflict between us continued. The emotional toll just kept getting worse for us both the more legal letters that were sent back and forth between the positional lawyers.
Possibly, my biggest regret is our children’s involvement in this wreckage. I should have insisted that we agree to never disparage each other to them. My biggest regret was disparaging you, but I didn’t know how to channel my frustrations. This is the number one thing that was wrong. We should have also pre-agreed on what parenting would be like in our two homes, our rules and boundaries needed to align for their sake. It certainly would have made the transition back and forth easier for everyone.
When I left you, with my once fairy-tale life crumbling around me, I felt lost, desperate and utterly alone. I knew I needed to pull myself through this for our children – but where to even start? If I could go back to my younger self, even younger “us” as a couple before we got married, I would make sure we knew all the mistakes to avoid, and even if the knowledge didn’t stop our divorce, it would have at least stopped the intergenerational trauma that we have created.
I know we cannot turn back time. We need to look forward as we each have our own new lives. Our children are happy becoming their own unique people and mapping their futures. They still connect us, and for us, that is our focus—our beautiful children.
My hope is that one day, we can put all this behind us.
