New Zealand parents are increasingly worried about the mental health of their family as the cost-of-living crisis continues. We look at the rise of anxiety in children and talk to two mothers who are anxious both about their finances, and about their kids being anxious.
The cost-of-living crisis has slammed Teresa* and her husband, to the point that they only have about $10 left in their account the day before payday. The Wellington couple has sons aged 15 and 13, and a nine-year-old daughter.
Teresa’s husband works full-time. Teresa recently finished a contract and is struggling to find a job. “I feel really anxious and stressed. We’re paying more at the supermarket. We’re relying on a lot more carbs than I’d like. We’ve gone from fresh to frozen vegetables, and my kids notice a big difference in the taste. Then there are power bills, fuel etc.”
Earlier this year, their rent went up $50 a week. “My kids would have overheard my husband and I talking about our stress around coming up with another $200 a month in rent. Sometimes you have those conversations without really realising your children are listening to you.”
One of her sons worries about another pandemic. “He gets twitchy and anxious hearing anything in the media around breakouts of illnesses.”
“Also I overheard my son talking with his friends online. They’re planning to go flatting after leaving school. But my son said to me ‘I’m going to be living with you forever’. He just feels his choices are limited. The worry my sons have most in common is about future jobs and earning enough to rent. My 13-year-old thinks it’s beyond his reach.”
“He was really anxious for a couple of weeks, but he wouldn’t name it. Then I was driving him home and it came out in this stream of consciousness. He was worried about not being able to afford a house or afford other things.” He also said he felt helpless about the situation in Gaza. “I knew there was something, and normally he’s pretty good at articulating things, but I think there was a sense of overwhelm.”
Many teens and tweens today face a sense of overwhelm. “There’s uncertainty around climate change, future jobs and technology like AI,” Teresa says. “My children often feel anxious about what they’ll do after high school, so I think they’re putting it in the too-hard basket.”
“We also keep hearing the government say ‘students are failing’. That’s putting pressure on kids to perform at school, and I think kids are internalising that pressure.”
Her children’s stress and anxiety make Teresa more stressed and anxious. “For my middle child, I’m the emotional barometer. If my stress and anxiety isn’t under control, he picks up on it, and that kicks off his stress and anxiety. Then sometimes, when his kicks off, it can affect me.” She tears up a bit talking about it. “As a mother, you naturally want to make it all better.”
Her children have to go without some things. “I think the hardest thing is, as teenagers, they want to go out with their friends, and it’s hard saying no, but we can’t afford the cost.”
“And it’s hard for them with friends going on overseas holidays or other trips. Then I just feel yucky and guilty. Overall, they’re pretty good about it all. But sometimes they get cranky and talk about how they’re poor compared to more affluent friends.”
And social media? “We say none until age 16, but my 15-year-old has an Instagram account and the rule is ‘follow, but don’t comment’. There’s all this misinformation and disinformation online. I say, ‘where did you hear that?’. Then I have to have a discussion around sources, evidence and facts.”
She tries to limit her and her children’s exposure to the “doom-and-gloom talk” in the news. “Something else that worries them is talk of societal breakdown, for instance U.S. politics and particularly climate change. I think many parents aren’t well equipped to help kids deal with all those fears.”
Are The Kids Alright?
The rise of anxiety in children is, unfortunately, a global trend.
In a just published Psychology Today story called ‘10 Reasons Today’s Kids Are More Anxious Than Ever’, clinical social worker, psychotherapist, author and podcaster Amy Morin says today’s children are “the most anxious generation of all time”.
A New Scientist story called ‘Is anxiety rising in children and if so, why?’ says “evidence points to more children today feeling anxious than a few years ago, with a complicated picture emerging encompassing everything from the pandemic to social media”.
The pandemic literally changed minds. A meta-analysis of studies from around the world shows that, during the pandemic, depression and anxiety in youth doubled compared to pre-pandemic levels. That’s not something you can just ‘snap out of’ when the pandemic is in the rear-view mirror.
The Guardian just published a story about a concerning study from researchers at the Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences at the University of Washington.
MRI scans found that adolescent girls who lived through Covid lockdowns experienced more rapid brain ageing than boys did. Girls appeared on average 4.2 years older than expected, whereas boys appeared on average 1.4 years older than expected. The article says “it is unclear whether the changes have negative consequences, but the findings have raised concerns that they might affect adolescents’ mental health and potential to learn”. Professor Patricia Kuhl said the findings were a “reminder of the fragility of teens” and suggested parents talk to their teenagers about their experiences of the pandemic. “Whatever it takes to get them to open up,” she says.
Of course there are also the uniquely 21st-century stressors of climate change, the rise of AI, the wars in Gaza and Ukraine, Trump, etc. Potentially world-changing things that most of us weren’t worried about when were kids.
Are The Parents Alright?
In New Zealand, the cost-of-living crisis is causing many parents stress and distress. Released recently by the EMA (Employers and Manufacturers Association) and nib (a healthcare insurer), New Zealand’s 2024 Workplace Wellbeing survey revealed that four in five Kiwis have been negatively impacted by this financial strain. For one thing, 22% of Kiwis have looked for a new job, and 17% have looked for a second job.
The survey shows that 66% of Kiwis are concerned about financial security for themselves and their household, up from 51% in 2022. That’s a big jump, from half to two-thirds of New Zealanders. Meanwhile, 64% of Kiwis are more worried about the mental health and wellbeing of their families (up from 56% in 2022) than they are about their own mental health (55%). And 63% are concerned about the health of their family, up from 56% in 2022.
The survey also found that the cost-of-living crisis has negatively impacted 74% of young people aged 16 to 30, and has negatively impacted the mental health of 53% of them (compared to the general population at 43%).
The Impact Of Debt and disruption
Aucklander Brianne*, a participant in the survey, has daughters aged 13 and nine with her husband.
Brianne works fulltime in a commission-based sales job, but people spending less makes it harder for her to meet her targets. Their rent is high. “And with the cost of living, our money just isn’t stretching far enough.” Her husband has a small business, but it’s not bringing in much because of the economic climate. So he got a fulltime job, working on his business in the evenings. Brianne took a second job.
They’re considerably in debt to the bank for business loans. “And our overdraft and credit cards are maxed out. It’s hugely stressful. Emotionally, I’m at the brink.”
She and her husband fight quite a lot, largely to do with money. “The girls hear everything we talk about.”
“I’m very honest with my kids. Maybe a bit too honest. It might cause extra stress that maybe they should be oblivious to, but I feel it’s important that they’re aware [of the financial situation].”
“My little girl is constantly saying ‘that’s so expensive, mum’. Sometimes we’re out and the girls say ‘Mum, I’m hungry’ and I say ‘you’ve gotta wait til we’re home to eat’.”
“Our girls do cheerleading, which is expensive but they love it, so I feel it’s important they have that. I tell them ‘I don’t want to pull your cheerleading, so I’ll work my arse off’. But I tell them that means I might be doing emails at 5pm when they want to hang out with me.” To pay for cheerleading, Brianne also does things like pick feijoas from orchards and sell them online.
Do the girls open up enough? “I think there’s more my eldest could share. I always say ‘you can talk to me about anything. If you’d rather talk to your friend, do that. If you don’t want to talk to me or a friend, that’s OK. We could probably get a referral to a counsellor through Gumboot Friday.’” The public discourse about young people committing suicide scares her.
Brianne thinks Covid disrupted her eldest’s learning quite a lot. “She’s not a scholar. She struggles a bit with school. She gets distracted easily.”
“She’s not allowed on TikTok. She coaches cheerleading, so they use Facebook and Instagram to do posts. And she has Snapchat with her friends. Recently, she got upset because someone on Snapchat told her she was annoying. And sometimes I need to say ‘honey, lots of stuff on social media just isn’t true’.”
Do the girls talk about their financial future? “Not so much. But I say ‘see how we’re struggling, you have to apply yourself at school because you don’t want to live like this for the rest of your life, do you?’.”
“Nowadays I think kids grow up a lot faster than they used to. There are so many stressful things facing them that I didn’t have to worry about when I was a kid.”
*Look out for Part 2 of our story, about how we can help our kids with all this
