Sometimes friendships aren’t forever, but how do you know when you need to break up with a friend – and what’s the best way to do it?
Kate*, a 30-year-old lawyer from Wellington, broke up with friend Ally* when they were 25. “We’d been friends for three or so years within a group of five or six friends. We would have drinks at someone’s house, hit town, drink a fair bit, keep a look-out for potential boyfriends, and sometimes stay up til 3a.m. I was at uni; she had a job. When I started a job, my life became a bit quieter. I had a boyfriend. I didn’t want to hit the town anymore.
“Also, when we did meet up for a ‘quiet’ drink, I found it hard to find things to talk about, because our interests were now so different. Ally’s behaviour was often quite erratic – alarming some of my other friends. When she suddenly yelled at a bartender one evening, I just had a moment of ‘I don’t want this person in my life’ and from that moment it was dunzo. Well, in my head at least. I didn’t tell Ally there and then, because, awkward, but I didn’t contact her for a while, hoping she’d get the message. After Ally texted me a few times, I knew I had to be straight up. I phoned and said ‘Hey, we had some fun times when we had big nights out, but now I feel our lives are going in different directions, and that we don’t have much in common, so I think we should go our separate ways’. She hung up on me.”
“Later, she started texting and calling me, even on a work landline. I asked her to please ‘let it go’. She told me I was a horrible person, and I was thinking ‘if you think I’m horrible, why would you want be friends with me?’ I stopped picking up the phone or replying to her texts. Someone we both know says she still brings it up to them. But why should I have to stay friends if that friendship wasn’t working for me? You can break up with a boyfriend, so surely you can break up with a friend?”
The break-up of a romantic relationship: we’ve all been there, and it sucks, but at least there’s loads of advice out there on how to handle it. Breaking up with a friend, though? There’s no template for this and certainly no stats. Asking around about this topic, I found many people have broken up with a friend, or want to but haven’t.
Some of us will never need to break up with a friend. Sometimes that’s because we tend to keep the same friends throughout our lives. Sometimes that’s because friends drift apart or go in different directions, and it’s an unstated, understood thing, with no blame attached. But sometimes we change as people and realise we’re looking for different things from a friendship. Sometimes they change as people. Sometimes you develop very different lifestyles and interests and have nothing much to talk about.
A friend break-up can be necessary if you really don’t want someone in your life anymore for whatever reasons. It’s going to be awkward and likely upsetting, so how do you handle it?
Dr Ahona Guha, a clinical and forensic psychologist, has written Psychology Today article ‘How to Handle a Friendship Breakup: Navigating A Friendship Breakup With Compassion And Kindness’
Sometimes friendships end quietly and mutually for benign reasons. “Sometimes, though,” Guha writes, “someone hurts someone else, or you realise that you genuinely have nothing in common with a person anymore and want to end the friendship instead of lingering in an awkward holding pattern – where the other person still wants to be friends – and you find yourself needing to say ‘no’ often. In this instance, it may be kinder in the long term and less awkward to put a full-stop at the end of the friendship.”
“When a friendship ends,” she adds, “it is more a fraying rope than a sudden snap, and we are left wondering why it ended, how to end it, and how to process the end.”
What To Do And Not To Do
- You could try a ‘Gradual Fade-Out’, and see if contacting the person less often helps them get the message.
- If the ‘fade out’ doesn’t work or you’re not comfortable with doing it, plan how you’ll communicate your decision rather than doing it off the cuff.
- If you’ve been friends for a while, they probably deserve to be told in person. Organise a time and place where you’re unlikely to be interrupted.
- If you really don’t want to or can’t meet in person, find a good time for a phonecall.
- Don’t tell them over text message or email unless that’s necessary for your wellbeing.
- Don’t ignore calls or texts in lieu of telling them. It’s hurtful and confusing, and you’ll probably feel guilty, too.
- If it’s more about the dynamic than it is the person, explain this.
- If they keep asking ‘why’, calmly restate your reasons.
- If appropriate, talk about how you’re feeling, not what the other person has done wrong.
- Be mentally prepared for them to become angry, sad, or lash out verbally.
Toxic friends
When a friend or friendship becomes toxic for whatever reason – and you don’t see it being resolved nor want to resolve it – you should end that relationship like you would do if you had a toxic romantic partner. Examples: the person backstabs you, makes up gossip, lies, belittles you, manipulates you, or gaslights you.
Journalist Sarah Regan has written the article ‘13 Signs Of Toxic Friends + How To Know When To Cut Ties’. “A toxic person,” she writes, “is someone who regularly displays actions and behaviours that hurt others or otherwise negatively impact the lives of the people around them, and they’re usually the main instigating factor of a toxic relationship… they claim to be your friend yet do things that actively harm you or your well-being.” When ‘breaking up’ is for your your own wellbeing, don’t not do it because you feel uncomfortable or because it might make others uncomfortable.
Three years ago, Mel*, a 31-year-old engineer from Auckland, broke up with a friend who had been manipulating her and lying. Mel didn’t break ties initially because she knew it would cause a negative ripple effect in their mutual-friend group. But when the friend started meddling in Mel’s love life, Mel ended the friendship right away. “Call me a coward, but I didn’t do it in person or on the phone. Because she knows what she did – and she has a way of denying things and making me feel crazy. We had a conversation by text. She was livid. She made up a sob story to make me look bad to others.” Mel never wants to be in same room this person, which has made it awkward for the friend group. “Of course I’ve never asked mutual friends to not be friends with the person. Mutual friends catch up with each of us separately.”
As Mel suggests, don’t make mutual friends choose between you. Ideally, you can all be in the same room, but if things got ultra toxic, tell mutual friends that you need to see them separately from the other person. If you explain it properly, the mutual friends are likely to understand.
The Flipside
What if a friend breaks up with you? You’ll likely feel hurt, shocked, embarrassed or angry. How might you handle this? For starters, listen carefully to someone’s someone reasons, and try to remember this may be more about the dynamic between you than you as a person.
Dr Andrea Bonior, clinical psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing and Losing, And Keeping Up With Your Friends, has some good tips here. Take some time for self-reflection and try and pinpoint patterns in current or former friendships, she writes. “If you notice you’ve had friendships come to an end in a similar way over and over again, it’s important to pay attention to what might be going on. “It could be that you’re picking people you’re not compatible with. It could be that you’re all hot and heavy in a friendship for a while, and then you duck out when things get boring. Or, it could be that you are doing something within the relationship that’s causing conflict.” Other suggestions: journal, meditate, talk to another friend, family member, or therapist.
Also, keep in mind that friendships wax and wane. “When they end, that doesn’t negate their positive aspects,” Bonior writes. “Just because a friendship ended doesn’t mean you have to pretend it never existed or wipe it from your life story because you can still find it very valuable.” Sometimes, friends just aren’t forever – and that’s okay.
