Co-parenting screen time rules are a tricky one to navigate – it can be hard enough getting on the same page when you’re together, let alone when you’ve split up. It’s not uncommon at all for parents to disagree on device use. Here, a family psychologist and couples therapist explains what’s really behind that conflict, how to reduce it and how to best support your children.
Ruby* and her partner is in a blended family, with one biological son together and shares custody of Arya*, the four-year-old daughter of her partner’s ex.
Arya lives between two households, with very different rules around screen time and devices.
“In our home, we prefer to be less reliant on tv shows and iPads and to be more engaged with our son,” says Ruby. “If we did need to turn on the tv, we’d play nature documentaries, or something educational.”
But for Arya, life is a little different with her biological mum, who she spends most of her time with. In that house, she gets to watch, in Ruby’s opinion, too many cartoons that overstimulate her.
“It’s been quite difficult to navigate when Arya stays with us, because she would demand to put on her favourite tv show Gabby’s Dollhouse. When we’d refuse and offer to do another activity with her instead, she’d throw a tantrum.”
What’s Causing the Conflict
Screen time and technology use for children continues to be a tricky one for parents to navigate. Add separation, co-parenting or blended family dynamics into the mix? It’s extremely complex mental gymnastics.
It’s not uncommon at all for parents to clash over kids’ devices, says couples therapist and blended family relationship coach Adele Cornish.
She says she helps parents understand why they hold a certain opposing position – like what are the values they want to raise their children with.
“A cookie-cutter approach is never possible,” she explains, saying what works for one family or one child may not work for the other.
Family psychologist Megan Bourke agrees, saying parents – together or separated – often have different views about children’s access to devices.
She explains that these differences are also occurring at a time of rapidly evolving technology (hello, generative AI chatbots) and lack of agreed-upon social norms around what is age appropriate.
Megan adds that more parents are looking for offline communication solutions, such as basic flip phones, gaming consoles without online access, a household phone kept in a communal area, and the return of the landline.
“[It] often follows concerns about inappropriate or developmentally mismatched behaviour in group chat environments.”
Impacts on Children
Megan, who specialises on the evolving impact of technology in family dynamics, says device use in childhood and adolescence warrants careful consideration.
Research has shown its potential impacts on focus, sustained attention and socio-emotional development – particularly when effortful, “analogue” or boring activities are replaced by digital engagement.
“There is a growing concern about the effects of what psychologists often refer to as cheap dopamine – highly stimulating digital content that can undermine a young person’s capacity to persist with tasks that are slow, complex or less immediately rewarding.”
Yet a recurring theme in both research and clinical practice, says Megan, is that parents have become overly protective of their children in the physical world while remaining comparatively under–protective online.
That mismatch has not supported optimal development and shows a need for parents to learn more about the devices and digital environments their children are exposed to.
Children Living Across Households
In separated families, Megan says it’s extremely common for children to move between homes with different device rules. Despite the differing rules, she says children tend to cope best when rules are clear, consistent and make logical sense within each household.
“The most significant pressure point is not access itself, but the enforcement of time limits and the emotional fallout that follows when devices are put away,” she says.
One solution that works well for children under 14, she says, is for a personal phone to remain exclusively at one home and only be used there. But when they reach mid-adolescence, they would have meaningful social connections online and may strongly resist inconsistent access between households.
Families historically managed device use and screen time with heavy and strict restrictions, says Megan, but this approach is unsustainable as technology is heavily embedded in education, social life and daily function.
In blended families, Adele says biological parents ultimately retain decision-making authority for their own children. Children may find it unfair to have different rules when they’re living in the same home.
What’s important though, Adele says, is that the parent who limits or restricts devices needs to be more engaged – play, connection, shared activities – so their children feel taken care of and supported, rather than feeling left out or punished.
She adds that parents need to explain the differences clearly, helping children build resilience.
Practical Advice for Co-Parents and Blended Families
Megan leaves us with some useful tips to handling device use and screen time with children:
- Offer a developmental perspective
Help children see device access as something that comes with age and maturity. For example, parents might explain device access will align with the other household after reaching certain developmental milestones. - Use relatable role models
Giving examples of what age their slightly older peers (a cousin, babysitter or neighbour) got their devices can normalise waiting and reduce feelings of unfairness.
- Be honest
Acknowledging that digital technology is relatively new and that even us as adults are still learning how to manage it builds trust. Children respond well to authenticity and to stories that help them make sense of change. - Create an individual “digital diet” for each child
Outline expected boundaries, parental control and permitted online environments. Think about the digital world in the same way you think about the physical world: Where can this child go independently? Where do they need supervision? When are they ready for increased freedom? - Use the “digital food pyramid” framework
- Base level: Low-risk, developmentally appropriate content requiring little to no supervision
- Middle tier: Semi-supervise spaces like private group chats or age-appropriate AI tools
- Top-tier: Highly stimulating, short-form, algorithm-driven content treated as occasional “junk food”. Limiting this content and explaining why helps children understand moderation, self-control and long-term wellbeing.
- Model healthy behaviour
Parental role modelling is crucial; engaging in these forms of content together as an occasional treat (hello tiktok and insta reels), reinforces balance and healthy boundaries.
“Ultimately, supporting children to engage thoughtfully with technology is not about elimination, but about guidance, scaffolding and teaching them how to navigate a digital world with boundaries, insight and self‑regulation.”
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.
