Ever wondered just what the heck actually goes on in a couples therapy session? Or, maybe you’ve tried it yourself and have wondered how your experience stacks up to other peoples??
Well, in a fascinating new series – Couples Therapy NZ – you get to do just that: peer into the therapy room to see what goes down.
You may have seen the US version on Three, but now we have our very own version, which gives you a fly on the wall look, as five very brave Kiwi couples seek therapy to save their relationships.
And the woman they’re talking to is registered psychotherapist Amanda Cox, who has almost 30 years of experience in the mental health field. She has a Masters in Psychotherapy, plus decades under her belt, helping individuals and couples through some of the most difficult periods of their lives.
We had a chat with Amanda all about therapy, who should try it, what she sees in her private practice and what it takes to have a successful relationship!
Now, you are a psychotherapist – a fascinating field! But can you quickly explain what a psychotherapist does and what are the differences are to, say a psychologist, or psychiatrist? It can get confusing!
Yes! Good question! Ok, I am a registered psychotherapist, but then you also have psychologists, counsellors and psychiatrists – those are the probably the four out there, which can get confusing!
So a psychiatrist is a doctor who prescribes. A counsellor is in some ways similar to a psychotherapist – we’re in the same ballpark, in that some counsellors are a lot like psychotherapists, and some psychotherapists are a lot like counsellors!
For me, I’m a psychodynamic psychotherapist, I link the background, the history and the past to the present a lot – that’s where I’m sitting. I’m trying to get the person to help themselves understand what they like, to know themselves. Whereas counselling would possibly be a lot of advice, a lot of tools and maybe more cognitive stuff in there. A counsellor might beg to differ, because I’m totally generalizing here!
And a psychologist is more sort of behavioural stuff. But again, we all we all take bits from each other’s ways of doing it!
One thing they all have in common is that therapy takes place behind closed doors and is kept very private. But this show turns that all on its head completely and lets the public into the room! What was that like for you, suddenly having an audience?
The thing about the show is, I’ve never seen a camera! The set is made so the cameras are on the outside looking through two-way mirrors and what-not so you can’t see them. But I forgot very quickly that I was being looked at all!
And I suppose to some degree, every time I work with a couple or an individual I’m being watched. It’s not about being ‘on’ or ‘off’, but it’s about always being engaged and professional and responsible for what’s going on in the room.
Now, we’ve had the US version of the show here for a while now, but this is our first time seeing Kiwis in therapy. Do you think there’s much difference between therapy in NZ, versus in the States?
I suspect there’s a much broader range in the States of how people work. There is definitely a difference in what we see on TV in general – like in a show like The Sopranos, they often sort of get to these light bulb moments much quicker than perhaps they would a normal life!
There’s probably a number of things that are different in real life to what people expect therapy is going to be like! It’s not like you walk in and there’s a couch to lie down or – you’re not shown ink blobs and asked what they remind you of, or any of that stuff you see on TV, right? What other misconceptions do you think people might have about therapy that they’ll see a different side of on this show?
I think a lot of people expect therapists to tell them what to do – y’know, ‘Do this, do that and then you’ll be sweet as!’ But it really isn’t like that, and I think that may be frustrating for people to watch, but also enlightening. Who am I to tell people what to do – my job is to help the couple or the individual to work out what they like and what they need and want, and to be able to talk about it.
Also, I’m not a shrink. Or any of those derogatory terms out there. We’re also just normal people that have been through our own stuff. We’re not here judging people!
We’ve been talking about mental health since the start of our journey at Capsule, and one thing that I often hear when interviewing therapists (or people seeking a therapist!) is that it’s actually extraordinarily to find one at the moment – particularly since the pandemic and lockdown began. Demand seems to be surging – particularly as many relationships seem to have suffered during the extended lockdowns. Is that the case from where you’re sitting?
Definitely. My husband is a psychotherapist too and we work under the same company and we’ve both had waiting lists for the last three or four years – just before the pandemic started actually.
With global warming and just the state of the world, it brought with it this sense of anxiety or angst or grief, or something – I’m not entirely sure what it is, but it’s something that we psychotherapists talk about together a lot!
It’s one of the things I’m hoping for this show, that maybe people watching might see something of themselves in one of these couples that might save them a few sessions themselves!
Because, yes there must be overarching themes that you see coming up in your work time and time again. What would you say are the reasons most couples come to you, seeking your help?
I often hear: “we’re like flatmates now. It used to be like this, but now we hardly even talk to each other now. There’s no passion now”. That’s a common one – as is affairs, that’s definitely a common one.
And sometimes it’s just that there’s a lot of anger – there’s fighting all the time. They get into fights and it’s just hard to repair it. Often that’s because people aren’t listening to each other.
So that’s my job, which is across the board, whatever you’ve come in for, generally it’s just trying to get one half to talk to the other half about what they’re feeling, what they want and need, to learn about themselves and to really listen to the other person. That’s the underlying issue, really no matter why they came in for help.
And from what you’ve experienced, what do successful relationships seem to have in common?
I think successful relationships are that flip side – and maybe this comes with practice – but we know how to listen to our partner’s feelings and not get defensive. I mean hopefully our partner is able to say things in a way that’s not attacking. Often couples will get into a attack/defence, attack/defence pattern, and that’s really hopeless. But what’s hopeful is when you’re listening to your partner tell you how they feel, and you can really listen.
What about people who feel their relationship could benefit from seeking therapy – but their partner is not so keen to go. Do you have any advice for them?
It can be tricky. It’s not always, but in heterosexual relationships it’s frequently the woman trying to get the man to come and listen. I say, if you’re struggling to get your partner to come, then just come yourself and let’s go from there and see what we can do. Because you can’t make anyone do therapy.
So, who benefits most from therapy? Who should be coming to see you?
I used to think everybody should do it. Now I’m more, if you’re struggling to get in a relationship, or you’re struggling to find some sort of peace or intimacy in a relationship – when you reach that place of struggle, where you’re feeling alone in the relationship or reach a point where you feel like you can’t manage this yourself.
A lot of people think, oh well, you have family or friends to talk to, but it’s really not the same. You can get some love, care and maybe some advice from family and friends, and maybe that listening ear, but psychotherapists tend to hold something slightly different to get you through.
God, I’m so interested and surprised by your answer. I thought for sure you would just say ‘Everbody’. Why has your thought process changed on that?
I think I valued therapy because I found it so helpful – and I found it so helpful because of my history. But not everybody has a history that needs to have somebody else to process things with. Some people do very well on their own. But that’s knowing if you’re that type of person or not – which is actually the tricky part. Some people might ust need a couple of sessions, some need years of sessions and some people probably get away fine without any sessions at all.
Okay, last question. I need to ask you about the fact that you and your husband are both psychotherapists. What the heck is it like being a psychotherapist who is also married to one??
First of all, I’m going to say that like any relationship – and we’ve been together 16 or 17 years – our relationship has grown. We’ve learned along the way – we’ve struggled, and we’ve come through and we’re in a really good place after all these years. And I think that’s very normal – I don’t romanticize relationships!
We also are careful not to psychotherapy each other! It doesn’t go down well. So we’re our normal selves – although it’s really helpful in some ways – we’ve learned just to keep it real, which I think I do now too with my clients too.
