After both of Vanessa’s parents passed away, she realised she was left with so many questions about her heritage, so she decided to do a DNA ancestry test to learn more. Little did she know, she’d soon be faced with even more questions than answers…
It came as a huge shock when Vanessa’s mother passed away from a brain aneurysm, just four months after her father from cancer.
“Dad’s battle had been short in the end,” says Vanessa. “Losing mum overnight was unfathomable.”
Vanessa had thought there would be so much more time – she realised once her parents had both passed that she had things she’d like to know.
“About five years later our eldest was doing a school assignment and needed to do a family tree,” she says. “I realised I couldn’t go back very far. Mum and Dad didn’t have siblings – there wasn’t anyone I could go to to ask.”
It became something Vanessa focussed on – she looked up genealogy groups and tried researching her roots as best she could. She did a DNA test for one of the ancestry companies and ticked the box saying she’d like to connect with anyone who she was potentially related to.
“I told my brother I was doing it – he didn’t seem all that interested but said to let him know what happened,” she says.
Quite some time later, Vanessa got the notification that her results were in. She felt a jolt of excitement reading about her genetic make-up – mostly from Scandinavia and the UK.
But then she got another alert – she had a DNA match to a relative. She was ecstatic – maybe she’d found a distant cousin?
Instead she discovered she had a much closer relative – the DNA match was so high, it was likely a half-brother or uncle.
“Neither seemed possible,” says Vanessa. But still, she sent a message to them, marvelling at how it was possible they could share so much DNA. Did her grandparents perhaps have a secret child no one knew about?
When the man messaged back, her heart started pounding. He was two years older than her – making him two years younger than her big brother. Much too young to be her long lost uncle.
The man’s mother had passed away and he had never known his father’s identity – just that he wasn’t in the picture or part of their lives. He’d got curious and wondered if he might be able to track him down through DNA.
“I called my brother straight away,” she says. “I was a total wreck, asking if he knew anything about our dad having a baby with someone else. He was so pissed off. He didn’t want to know.”
Vanessa says it felt torturous to suddenly have this piece of information, but no one to talk through it with. This new relative – who was likely her half brother – lived a couple of hours away.
“We both took off work – I called my husband and let him know what was happening,” she says. He would have been wondering if I had lost my mind. And the two of us met half-way.”
When Vanessa walked into the cafe, she was shocked by how much this man, Aidan, resembled her brother.
“The likeness is uncanny,” she says. “They have so many of the same mannerisms. They are both so much of my dad.”
It was a real mix of feelings that day, says Vanessa. After losing both of her parents, it felt exciting to gain a relative, but also, the pain of the situation was overwhelming.
“My dad had obviously had an affair,” she says. “But there were no other facts. Did my mum know? How did she feel? Did my dad even know?”
Luckily, there was one person to talk to – Aidan’s grandmother was still alive.
“I got to meet her, which was lovely,” says Vanessa. “She didn’t know a lot – all Aidan’s mum had ever told her was that she was seeing someone.”
Over the years she’d forgotten the name that her daughter had called the man – it was only ever his first name – but when Aidan had said his name, she said that was definitely it. She wasn’t sure what had happened between the two of them, but that he wasn’t in the picture. She said as far as she knew, Aidan’s mum had never received any money from his father – she’d pushed her to claim for child support, but she refused. She hadn’t put his name on the birth certificate. No one knew if he even knew about Aidan.
“That didn’t sound like my dad – there’s no way he wouldn’t have paid child support if he knew about him,” says Vanessa. “I also would have never imagined my dad could have had an affair though, so anything could have happened.”
Vanessa says the find has caused a bit of a divide between her and her brother.
“He and Aidan have never met,” she says. “He really doesn’t want to know or hear about it. That’s hard, but I also don’t want to push it. It’d be nice to talk to him about it though.”
Vanessa understands where he’s coming from and is respecting that boundary – it’s a lot to take in.
A few years into this discovery she’s still coming to terms with it.
“Aidan asked me the other day if I ever wish I’d never done the test,” she says. “There have been lots of times I’ve thought that. It’s a hard thing, it’s made me question so many things – and I have no one to get answers from. But, having Aidan in my life now more than makes us for that, I think. I’ve dealt with so many losses, it’s nice to have gained a family member.”
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