Friday, March 1, 2024

Do I Cut My Own Fringe?’ And Other Lockdown-Only Thoughts

Hello from the other side: Random things that only occur to us in Level Four

  • *sees a photo of Dolly Alderton on Instagram* ‘Do I get a fringe?’ (five seconds later) ‘Do I cut my own fringe?’
  • ‘Is this the lockdown where I get crazy fit?’ (Probably not)
  • ‘Is this the lockdown where I finally tidy that cupboard that has all our Tupperware containers, which spill out every time I so much as look at it?’
  • ‘Do I get matching Tupperware containers?’ 
  • ‘Is this the lockdown where I organise my bathroom cupboard?’
  • ‘Maybe I learn how to knit?’
  • ‘Why don’t I own any puzzles? Wasgij isn’t that frustrating…’ 
  • ‘How much would it actually cost to redecorate my whole house?’
  • ‘How many times a day can you use the whole “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere?”’ 
  • ‘How many times is too many times for a child to watch the same Pixar movie?’
  • ‘How early is too early to go bed?’
  • Irrational urge to flash the neighbours as I stand outside in my robe while making my morning coffee, just to feel something.
  • Waving at all the bus drivers, driving those chillingly empty buses, while out on our mandatory walk.
  • Buying bananas only to make banana bread. All fruit now stops being wholesome food and starts becoming a vehicle for baking.
  • *Googles cashmere trackpants* *Remembers the fickle nature of financial security* *Checks savings* *Sighs*
  • *Scrolls through photos of past trips, considers putting them up on Instagram with sad, winsome captions, but get annoyed because literally everyone else is doing the same thing (and their captions are better).*
  • *Obsessive planning of first McDonald’s meal, even though in the normal world, McDonald’s barely registered. Delicious Forbidden Fruit*
  • And finally, every time a sneeze, tiny cough or wee headache comes along. ‘Oh God. Is this it?’

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