Do You Need To Start Saying ‘No’ More? Six Women On How Starting To Say No Changed Their Lives

February 16, 2025

How many times have you said yes to something when you wanted to say no? We ask some women how saying ‘no’ empowered them

As humans, we’re hardwired to say ‘yes’ when asked if we’ll do something. Biologically speaking, that’s to foster personal connections and belonging. That’s how we got to remain in hunter-gatherer groups when we aged out of the hunting and gathering part.

‘Women have been socialised into understanding that what is most important is that they be perceived as likable and agreeable.’

And in 2025, we’re still hardwired to do this (not the hunting and gathering, but the say-yes-to-a-request part).

In an article called ‘Why Some People Have Such A Hard Time Saying No’, self-described ‘queer, autistic feminist’ and multimedia journalist Devrupa Rakshit writes that “whether it is taking on more work than you can handle, or saying yes to plans that you have absolutely no interest in attending – most of us have struggled with saying ‘no’ at some point in our lives. But what makes it so hard to say that monosyllabic word?”. For starters, “we avoid saying ‘no’ to prevent potential conflict and confrontation, and to avoid disappointing or hurting people”.

Dr Sunita Sah, a professor and physician-turned-organisational psychologist, has just released the book Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes.

In a Time article ‘Why We Say Yes When We Don’t Want To’, Sunita writes that “from an early age, we are taught that obedience is good, and disobedience is bad. Saying yes is polite and agreeable, while saying no is often seen as selfish or disruptive. These lessons shape us psychologically, socially, and even neurologically.”

“When we are rewarded for compliant behavior, our brain rewards us with a hit of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. Repeated compliance strengthens the neural pathways associated with saying ‘yes’.”

“On the other hand, acts of defiance – especially when they are met with disapproval – receive no such reward, making those pathways weaker or less likely to develop. Over time, compliance becomes a default response.”

This tendency is reinforced throughout our lives – at school, at work, in our personal relationships. “It’s no wonder, then, that saying ‘yes’ feels easier, safer, and even expected – while saying no can feel like swimming against a tide of social conditioning.”

Why Women Especially Need To Say No, More

An USA Today article called ‘The one word women need to be saying more often’ quotes Caitlyn Collins, a professor of sociology at Washington University who studies gender inequality at work and at home.

“For many women, ‘no’ is a foreign word on the tongue. Women have been socialised into understanding that what is most important is that they be perceived as likable and agreeable. In dating, in marriage, in friendships, in their hobbies, in the way they parent their kids, the way they operate in the world of paid work – this idea that what it means to be a good woman is to subsume your own needs for the sake of others.”

Natalie Lue – a writer, author, podcaster, personal coach and recovering chronic people-pleaser – last year wrote a book called The Joy of Saying No. Many women struggle with this, as Natalie explains in the article ‘Why Millennial Women Have Such a Hard Time Saying No’. “I’ve worked with a lot of millennial women who have a hard time saying no. It can be about anything and everything, but there’s particular pressure around the usual suspects: work, romantic relationships, and meeting their own and other people’s expectations.”

“When you consider why millennial women have their struggles with ‘no,’ it comes down to what they internalized about what it means to be ‘good’ and what they think a woman like themselves is supposed to say ‘yes’ to.”

“Millennial women have a particular issue with saying no because they’re less likely to remember what it was like before our [women’s] self-worth became tied to professional measures of success and ‘having it all’ by the new definitions.”

We’re expected to ‘do it all’ – so what’s one more ‘yes’, right?

Saying Yes To Saying No

I asked some women whether saying ‘no’ has led to something positive.

Jessie* remembers several instances. “Saying no to an ex who wanted to get back together, and we both ended up with other people who make us happy, and looking back our relationship had the start of some abusive elements, so no regrets for me. Or saying ‘no I don’t think that’s it’ to the doctor’s practice I’d been at for 25 years when they kept dismissing my perimenopausal symptoms – and getting a new GP who immediately put me on a patch.”

What about Jacqui*? “Every time I said ‘no’ to a man who wanted sex and I wish I had done more of that. Saying ‘no’ to people trying to offload their work onto me. Saying ‘no’ to my kids is an everyday important thing, as is accepting ‘no’ from them. Last year I told a friend ‘no’ and she said ‘why not?’ and I said ‘new rule for me, I can say no without explaining my reasons’ and she said ‘but why?’ and I said ‘because I’m autistic’. She’s autistic too and she ended up saying ‘I need to learn to do that [saying no].”

“I think it’s the good thing about PDA [a type of autism]: ‘no’ comes fairly naturally to me, and if someone asks me to do a thing, my automatic thought is ‘why should I?’ not ‘oh yes I must please you’. So I don’t have one big life-changing ‘no’, I just have ‘no as a habit’. I also said no to fulltime work and no to rostering. I ended up saying ‘honestly I’m not useful to you if I burn out’.” Sometimes, if workplace meetings are scheduled at a time that’s difficult for her, she’ll watch the recording instead.

Then there’s Anna*. “I’ve found saying no has helped my sense of self-worth. I tried CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy] exercises and positive affirmations for years, and they never worked because I could never believe what I was telling myself [about self-worth]. Having good boundaries has helped convince my brain that I have value.”

Anna no longer sacrifices time with friends and family to do things she’d otherwise likely resent. “For example, saying no to events, unpaid work, and people asking favours. It sounds like a no-brainer but I used to say yes to all these things. It’s been really surprising how effective saying no has been. It means that, when I do say yes, I’m happier about it! I’ve realised all this in the last six months, seeing a counsellor.”

Meanwhile, Jill* resigned from membership of an organisation where she’d volunteered for over 15 years. “Since then, because I have more time, I’ve been able to take up opportunities in governance roles and have a whole lot of new skills and experience.”

And Kimberly*? “Learning that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. In most instances I don’t owe an explanation as to why I’m saying no. That was hard, especially with family members, because I’m a talker, an explainer by nature, and as an analyst I’m all about the why. Plus I’m the pacifier in the family – classic middle child.”

As for me, reader, I often used to say yes when I should have said no, in both my personal and professional life. What helped me stop this was hearing this phrase: ‘by saying no to them, you’re saying yes to your own needs and priorities’.