Girls Get Off Co-Founder Viv Conway comes to you from the sex toy trenches in this new column Getting Off, where no topic is off the table, no chat is taboo and everything is just a little unhinged. This week, Viv asks the question on everyone’s lips, surely… why so much Christmas butt stuff – and how to engage in booty play safely!
Warning: it’s adults-only chat ahead!
It’s taken three decades and about 17 chaotic Christmas parties, but I’ve finally cracked why they call it the silly season: because some people are out here trying to stick Christmas ornaments up their bum.
I should have seen it coming, to be honest. Every year, I repost a version of the same meme that says something: “baubles are for the tree, not the booty”, and every year, I assume we’re all on the same page. But this year I clicked.
It’s not just a meme; it’s a cliché, because clearly enough people have tried it for the joke to exist in the first place.
Full disclosure: there is zero legitimate data on how many people are conducting festive science experiments with their rectum, which makes sense because not every “moment of curiosity” ends with a hospital visit, but considering the design of some ornaments, I get why people look at them and think, what if that went up there…?
Hand on heart, I’m not judging. I am, however, going to say that before you go putting those cute candy-cane baubles anywhere they’re not meant to be, please know that they are usually made of glass. Literal glass. You’re in for a world of ouch and not a single toe tingling bit of the big O energy you were hoping for.
So, I present a festive-friendly alternative. Something cute enough to hang on a tree (I’ve already done it), but actually designed to go where the sun doesn’t shine. Meet Betty.
Last month, Girls Get Off launched our second booty plug, and she’s a spicy overachiever. Betty vibrates, she has a remote (for those who enjoy a little mystery), and she’s designed with a base that’s shorter on one side, longer on the other so that when you’re vibing with a bit of p-n-v action or a dildo, she stays put and doesn’t pinch.
It’s basically all your Christmases (and you) coming at once.
But (pun intended), this isn’t a sales pitch, and if all those memes about christmas ornaments up bums has made you booty play curious, I’ve got you. If your Christmas present to yourself this year is Peaches, Betty or simply dipping a cautious toe (or finger?) into booty territory, here are my top tips for beginners:
1. Lube, lube, lube
I can’t stress this enough: use lube. Then add more lube. Then keep going until you’re questioning your relationship to gravity.
Your booty is not self-lubricating like your queen V, so without lube you’re basically begging for microtears, haemorrhoids, and a sore bum for days.
In terms of what lube to use, water-based lube (like our Juicee) works great, but silicone lube is the MVP for booty play because it lasts for much longer. Unfortunately, it comes with a trade-off because while silicone lube has longevity, it kinda hates silicone toys. I mean it literally breaks down the material and means you’re limited to toys like glass or metal plugs, so choose wisely.
2. Warm up the Peach
Your booty is a muscle, and like any muscle, it needs warming up before you go running a marathon. You wouldn’t launch into a 100-metre dash without stretching and the same logic applies here.
A fan fave technique in the GGO community is the “booty clock.” Basically, you lube up your finger (or your partner’s), gently massage around the outside of your anus in a circular movement like you’re tracing the outside of a clock. When you’re ready, take a deep breath (breathing is so important in booty play), then slip your finger in at “12 o’clock,” and gently move through 3 o’clock, 6, 9, and back around.
When you feel relaxed, comfortable and a lil curious for more swap your finger for a toy, then something bigger like your partner’s penis or dildo. Throughout the process, add more lube. Then add even more lube. More is more.
3. Don’t go too big too fast
Don’t be a hero here, queen. I know porn makes it look like people go from zero to 100, but what you don’t see is the warm-up, the lube breaks, the “hang on, that’s too much” moments.
So, start with one finger, then increase to two. When you’re feeling relaxed and comfortable, then move to a small toy like Peaches (size one) and slowly work your way up. Try out Betty or a dildo, then your partner’s peen, those are graduating-class level. Take your time and your booty will literally thank you.
When you’re having p-n-v sex, it fast can feel really hot and sensual but when you’re dealing in matters of the booty, slow and steady isn’t just an expression here, it’s quite literally the difference between “oh wow” and “oh no.”
For more tips, tricks, and cheeky advice, we’ve got plenty of educational videos and blogs across Girls Get Off socials and our website. Or flick us a message anytime, you know we always reply.
