Girls Get Off Co-Founder Viv Conway comes to you from the sex toy trenches in this new column Getting Off, where no topic is off the table, no chat is taboo and everything is just a little unhinged. This week, Viv has some thoughts about why we’re so reluctant to embrace men’s toys like we have women’s…
Warning: it’s adults-only chat ahead!
There are two things in life that offer complete and utter satisfaction.
The first is escaping a raging hangover after a massive night and a few too many tequila shots, and the second is reaching that deliciously toe-curling big-O during a mazzie session.
For those of you with a son, you’ll know that dudes like to dabble in the second type of satisfaction from a very early age. In fact, most start around 13, and by their 20s, research shows the majority are doing it at least once a week. If we want to enter into a circle of trust and be completely open and honest with each other, though, they’re doing it a lot more.
Which is probably why male masturbation is normalised to the point where no one blinks when “wank” gets dropped at the pub. Unfortunately, the reaction is entirely different if a bloke mentions they dabble in a sex toy every now and then.
I’m not entirely sure why, but it’s a question I’ve been hyper-fixated on recently, to the point where I considered using it as an icebreaker on the dating apps. What better way to find out the answer? Lucky for you, it’s instead become the topic for this week’s column.
Since Girls Get Off became a thing, coming across the “DongBlaster 3000”, “Super Rammer Deluxe”, and many, many, other creative yet slightly intimidating sex toys have become part of the norm for me, and while they do provide a good chuckle from time to time, it also couldn’t be more obvious as to why some of these toys are shoved in the back of bedside drawers and treated like a dirty little secret.
It’s a huge reason why we and countless other brands have made it our mission to turn female sex toys into something empowering. When it comes to male toys, though, they are mostly still stuck in “Pocket Pussy / Suck-O-Matic” territory.
As a woman, I can only assume how men feel about these names, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it doesn’t exactly scream “I’m a toy user and proud of it” for the large majority of men. It’s also probably part of the reason why male sex toys are still living in the dark ages.
Like most stigmas though, there are usually a few contributing factors to the shame that comes with them, and in this case, number two is the not-so-glorious issue of masculinity.
A lot of male toys involve prostate play, and even though the prostate is biologically designed for ridiculous amounts of pleasure, underlying homophobia has kept many men from going near it. Some see it as a “gay” act, something they’re too manly for, and if they tried it, it might make them “less than”.
Personally, I can’t wrap my head around it. Your body literally comes with a bonus button, and you’re telling me you’re saying no to it because…. it’s in your butt? Reminds me of that saying, you can lead a sheep to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Then there’s porn. It sells the fantasy that a penis is both your partner’s main event and your ultimate pleasure tool, which basically means that when guys who don’t have porn star stamina or size (aka… most of them) end up feeling “not enough.” Add a toy to help do the job they’re “meant to” be able to do by themselves, and you can see where the problem lies.
And while all these theories have legs, it would be rude not to consider the counterargument that maybe men actually don’t care about the sex toy stigma, and I’m reading way too much into it. The stats alone prove that men are indeed buying toys. The global market is already worth $36 million and set to double in the next decade.
We’ve even seen it with our sex toy pillow. We’ve sold more Bumpy Cuddles to men than women, but part of me does wonder if it’s because we’ve framed it as a tool for better sex rather than a dirty little secret.
We make sure to highlight its best features, including that it makes sex more comfortable, allows penis owners to penetrate their partner deeper, and eases the strain on your neck during oral.
It’s hard to wrap up an article on a topic that’s so important, but I’ll leave you with this: Pleasure shouldn’t be a gendered conversation. Women have reclaimed vibrators as a tool for empowerment, and men deserve the same freedom. Whether it’s a Bumpy Cuddles pillow or a butt plug, toys aren’t a downgrade from your hand; they’re an upgrade for your life.
