Girls Get Off Co-Founder Viv Conway comes to you from the sex toy trenches in this new column Getting Off, where no topic is off the table, no chat is taboo and everything is just a little unhinged. This week, Viv reveals the sex position that broke the GGO group chat – and a list of *more achievable* positions you might not have tried!
Warning: it’s adults-only chat ahead!
I recently learnt that humans have been horny little gremlins since the dawn of everything.
Enter the Ain Sakhri figurine. This ancient artefact is thought to be the oldest depiction of a sex position in the world, and boy oh boy, they didn’t hold back with it.
It was found in a cave near Bethlehem, and shows two people getting freaky in what I’m going to guess is the lotus position. If you’re not familiar, it’s when the bloke sits cross-legged, the chick sits on top of him and wraps her legs around his lower back, while the p goes in the v.
It’s estimated to be about 11,000 years old, which basically means even cavemen were as fascinated with sex positions as the writers of Cosmopolitan’s infamous sealed section.
Fast-forward a few thousand years, and the Sunü-jing popped up in China before the Han dynasty (we’re talking 202 BC or earlier), then the Kama Sutra slid onto the scene somewhere between 400 BCE and 300 CE.
Safe to say, over the years, we’ve taken our faves and added some new ones into the mix, which brings me to the point of this column. The sex position that broke the GGO group chat and our minds.
It all happened a couple of years ago, when we were knee-deep in writing our limited edition Girls Guide to Getting Off when a message pinged into our chat:
“WHAT IN THE MADE-UP SEX POSITIONS IS THE HELICOPTER?! Is this even possible? Are the people trying this OKAY?! I am unwell, they are unwell, we are all unwell. Help.” Our copywriter had just uncovered the most rogue position we’d ever seen, and chaos ensued.
I, being a woman of science, Googled it and two seconds later, had the exact same thought: “Surely no one has actually done this?”
As a “for the plot” type of person and an overly curious Gemini, I roped in my platonic boyfriend (aka my gay flatmate) to trial-run it with me, and it was carnage. Limbs were flailing, bodies were collapsing, we forgot what dignity was, but after far too many attempts and about three near concussions, we finally made it work.
Viv and her platonic boyfriend (otherwise known as her gay flatmate)
“Can confirm it’s doable,” I reported back.
The chat exploded. “WHAT KIND OF SUPERHUMAN ARE YOU?!” came flying back at me, and honestly? Fair.
After a very serious debate about whether it belonged in the book, we decided, yes. If someone wants to live out their Cirque du Soleil fantasy in the bedroom, who are we to stop them?
Regardless, the whole thing threw me back to the days of tearing open Cosmo’s sealed section, only to discover positions that sounded less like foreplay and more like Olympic gymnastics. Or reading smut scenes where the logistics just… weren’t logistically logisting. Like, how is he fingering you while you’re giving him head while he’s driving on the motorway at 110km/h? Be serious.
Truthfully, some positions are hotter in theory than in practice, and that’s okay because unless you’ve got a Pilates instructor’s core and a professional dancer’s flexibility, the more inventive positions mean you’re focusing more on holding yourself in position rather than actually enjoying the pleasure, and where’s the fun in that?
Which is why I will forever recommend these A+ positions that bring the heat without requiring an orthopaedic follow-up:
Prone Bone: lie tummy down on the bed with your legs apart and your partner behind. Place a sex pillow like Bumpy Cuddle, or a stack of random pillows between you and the bed and have your partner penetrate your Queen V, while you massage your clitoris with your fingers or a vibrator.
Head Overboard: lie on the bed with your head danging off the edge. Have your partner gently insert their penis into your mouth and perform oral. It sounds rogue, but it actually does make deep throat a lot easier. The only downside is if you’re using lube or there are a lot of bodily fluids, you could get some in your eyes. You’ve been warned.
Coral (the app, not the reef): This isn’t a position, but a reco. Download the app and choose a guided oral podcast, then pop your headphones in and do your thing. It’s a perfect mix of playtime and education.
I guess the point I’m trying to get across is that sex isn’t supposed to be perfect. It’s silly, playful, sweaty, sometimes clumsy, and that’s exactly what makes it great. Positions are just tools to unleash the real magic that is in laughter, intimacy, and the thrill of trying something new.
So, go forth and helicopter responsibly, my horny little gremlins. And remember: if you’re ever doing 69, always, always be the one on top.
