Should we talk to our children about the war in Gaza, and if so when and how? We asked child psychologist Dr Emma Woodward for her advice
The other week, my nine-year-old son quietly materialised behind my shoulder when I was scrolling through news headlines on my phone. He saw a headline about the Gaza War and said ‘Mum, what is that war about?’. I quickly put down my phone and said ‘You’re too young to know about this! I’ll tell you when you’re older’.” He said “but Mum, I’m curious and I need to know things about the world!”
I mean, he has a point.
I’m definitely not the only parent who wants to shield their children from news about disturbing world events. We don’t want to upset them. We don’t want to overwhelm them. We don’t want them to feel anxious. But is shielding them the best thing to do – and, realistically, can we even shield them?
Thankfully, Dr Emma Woodward has some advice. The child psychologist is the founder of the Child Psychology Service: a New Zealand team of experienced child and adolescent psychologists. She is also a mother of four boys.
“This is an important topic,” Emma says. “You’re right that it’s a delicate balancing act. We don’t want to overburden our children with issues that could interfere with their development during childhood and their sense of the world as a safe place. But, actually, we’re not their only source and influence. They do hear things in the playground. They do see things over our shoulders. They might see things on YouTube. So it’s really important to check in with them to make sure there aren’t any misunderstandings or misconceptions that they’re worried about.”
Emma’s advice can largely be applied to topics including the Russia-Ukraine War, and potentially even climate change, but for this story I’m focusing on what is happening in Gaza.
What To Say… And When?
I’ve read that you should tell your child about disturbing world news when it’s age-appropriate, but how do you know what the appropriate age is? If some children are more sensitive (and perhaps prone to nightmares), maybe only a parent can sense at what age the child is ready to know more? Emma nods.
If a child brings up the Gaza War, she says, don’t worry about the perfect thing to say, or about saying it all at once, especially if you aren’t in the right physical space or headspace. “You could say ‘I’ve heard you. That’s really important and interesting. I’m going to think about that, and can I come back to you at X time, so I can give you my full attention to address that because I want to’.”
Should we wait for children to bring it up, or proactively initiate a conversation? Emma suggests that, if you feel the time is right, ask what they know. “It’s unlikely that they’re not aware of it at all. Also, just because they’re aware of it doesn’t mean they’re worried about it.”
“If they’ve been seeing Gaza on the news or somewhere quite a lot, I’d drop it into conversation, perhaps when you’re sitting around the table. At the table, I might say to my husband ‘I read that four hostages have just been released’. My eldest is 13 and my youngest is four, and we have those conversations in the presence of our four-year-old. He’s probably thinking about Bluey, but even if they [younger kids] don’t exactly understand what’s said, they know that, when they’ve got a worry, they can bring it up.”
Being Curious
“What your son has seen over your shoulder,” Emma tells me, “has piqued his curiosity or made him feel a bit worried, so he’s turned to you, his attachment figure, to help him.”
“As they’re biologically primed to do, children reach out to their attachment figure to help them make sense of things, and process what things mean. They take cues from you. So, be curious. You could ask, ‘what’s your understanding of that? How did you hear about that? How did that make you feel then or how do you feel about it now? Is there anything you don’t already know that you’d like me to tell you?’.”
I tell Emma that my son asked who ‘the baddies and the goodies’ are. “That’s quite typical,” Emma says, “because children tend to split things into definite categories. Good and bad. Right and wrong. They struggle with integrating the bit in the middle. In fact, some adults struggle with that too.”
“You don’t need to get into right or wrong. You don’t have to say whether you agree with the Israelis or the Palestinians. You don’t have to get into the geopolitical side of things. You could tell your child that the people living there have a big difference in opinion and a big disagreement, and they haven’t been able to work it out through talking, and they’ve resorted to fighting, and it’s really, really sad. That it’s difficult and dangerous over there right now, and people are suffering, and we hope they’ll get to a solution, but you’re a long way away and you’re safe’.”
“Hit those key points, particularly about being safe. And there’s this saying: ‘look out for the helpers’. Tell your child that heads of state are having conversations about this. That people are sending aid. That people are being rescued.” Or, if you donate to a charity providing aid there, mention that.
Acknowledge Their Emotions
Don’t minimalise or dismiss a child’s fears, Emma advises. “Children don’t have the frame of reference that adults have, so everything is big and overwhelming. I remember as a kid, we were talking about science and supernovas and I thought ‘that means the earth could get eaten by the sun’. I had nightmares about it for months, because it was the first time I had a sense of existential threat. If I could have talked about that with someone, they could have put it into context for me.”
I tell Emma that reading about Gaza really distresses me. She explains that it’s okay for adults not to hide all their feelings, because then children know these emotions are normal. “You could say ‘it worries me when people suffer and this is how I deal with that: I talk to my friends about it. I remind myself that although that’s scary over there, we’re quite safe here’.”
If children ask for details, keep it general. Definitely don’t say that children just died. “Children hearing about other children’s suffering is really painful for them because they empathise and sympathise with other children. And they might feel like, ‘if it can happen there, it can happen here’.”
What if there are children from both Palestine and Israel, or from both Ukraine and Russia, at your child’s school – and your child can’t avoid finding out certain things? “Help them use critical-thinking skills and come to their own opinion, because when we have a solid sense of what we think, we’re less likely to be influenced at either end of the spectrum.”
Media & Social Media
Emma mentions that ‘if it bleeds, it leads’. “It’s important to tell children that in a world run on the commodity of our attention, the most salacious information gets the most attention.” As for photos, some children (as might adults) might accidentally see something that they can’t unsee. “It’s really important that we prepare kids for what to do if they see something they’re uncomfortable with. Who could they talk to about it? How does it feel in their tummy? How can they manage those feelings?”
I mention that my son doesn’t have a phone or social media, but that I know I’ll need to deal with that later. “Actually,” Emma says, “I think now is the time to have conversations about what’s good to look at, and what maybe isn’t. Kind of prepare him.”
In comments under a YouTube video on this topic, someone said ‘we used to protect innocents and shield them, and now we treat kids like little adults’. Another commenter said ‘kids are stressed out enough. We don’t need to add this to their plates’.
“But it’s already on their plate!” Emma says. “Whilst saying that is well-intentioned, it’s actually an untruth. Just because you’re talking to children about what’s going on in the world doesn’t mean you’re overburdening them with the problems of the world. You’re trying to help them process what they’re already exposed to. You’re trying to set your kids up with the tools to deal with the reality of the world we live in, while also knowing they are safe.”
