Psychotherapist Karen Gail Lewis talks about how her crystal-ball thought exercise can help women enjoy being single, why she doesn’t believe in soulmates, the importance of touch, and how women might work out if they really want to be mothers.
In a recent story for The Atlantic called ‘The People Who Quit Dating’, writer Faith Hill spoke to Washington D.C. psychotherapist Dr Karen Gail Lewis about the ‘crystal ball’ thought exercise that she often uses with single women.
Hill explains Karen’s approach. “Imagine you look into a crystal ball. You see that you’ll find your dream partner in, say, 10 years – but not before then. What would you do with that intervening time, freed of the onus to look for love?”
“‘I’d finally be able to relax’, she often hears. ‘I’d do all the things I’ve been waiting to do.’” One woman wanted a patterned dish-set rather than waiting to put it on a wedding registry someday.
This article – which is subtitled ‘being single can be hard, but the search for love may be harder’ – inspired my story about Kiwi women who ‘aren’t waiting around’. They’re not spending hours on apps trying to find someone – rather, they’re living their lives fully. If they find someone organically, that’s great, and if not, that’s okay.
Author of the book With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives, Karen kindly agreed to talk to me over Zoom, interested in what the women I spoke to had said.
Karen – who has a long-term partner but is marked ‘single’ on the U.S. census because she isn’t married – has decades of clinical experience as a marriage and family therapist, social worker and consulting psychologist. She runs virtual consults nationally and internationally – including sessions with single women and men, especially those in mid-life.
Her crystal-ball exercise was sparked by the concept of ‘ambiguous loss’ that her former colleague, Dr Pauline Boss, came up with and applied to parents with sons at war, and family members of people in comas. Basically, when loss is ambiguous – as in, you don’t know whether you have or haven’t lost someone – it’s very hard to get closure.
“I began realising that ambiguous loss is what many single women feel,” Karen says. Things can feel unresolved or uncertain as your imagined partner doesn’t materialise. “So in the meantime, is there something that can help you move on and still hold on to hope?” As opposed to waiting around feeling stuck, or letting go of hope.
The question is: how much more fun or fulfilling could your life be if you weren’t waiting to meet a man before doing certain things? As in, don’t necessarily giving up on dating, but don’t postpone living a full life until you meet someone. For instance if you want to learn to surf, go on a cruise, learn to dance (anything, really), get on that!
The grass is greener?
Early in Karen’s practise, many women felt embarrassed about being single. “After the women’s lib movement, there came this push of ‘I’m happy to be single’. Now some women have started to say ‘I’m happy being single, but if the right man came along, I’d be happy to have them’.”
Karen makes the distinction between someone’s public persona and private persona. “Even if someone feels content with being single, there may be things they don’t talk about publicly. Some women have told me that if they had a partner, they could go out and do something together at the last minute – but instead they have to call somebody and plan something.”
“Some single women tell me that, even though they have a full life, they’re lonely. But do you know what I often hear from married clients? That they’re lonely! Granted, all these women are in therapy, but a certain amount of loneliness is internal, existential loneliness. And no man can take all that away.”
Karen says many clients feel the grass is always greener. “Oh my goodness, how often I’ve heard married women say ‘if only I was single’ and single women say ‘if only I was married’.”
The Importance of Touch
Does Karen see any clients who have sworn off men, particularly given the recent storm of misogyny? “Some women, to protect themselves, say ‘I’m done with men’. But at the same time, many women living full lives say, ‘I really want physical contact – not necessarily even sex, just to cuddle’. Sooooo many women have told me that. One woman said ‘the only person who’s touched me all week is the doorman’.”
Karen tells women that affairs (not ideal), flings and polyamory are options. “Also, that there are couples who are committed, but don’t live together. They see each other on weekends only.” But if that’s not for you, Karen suggests you prioritise touch in other ways. “That could be touch [like hugs] with friends, with children, with animals, working with clay.”
Apps or No Apps?
Many of Karen’s clients think apps are the way they’ll meet someone. “Some of them have met someone that way.”
Karen says she’s no expert on apps. “But here’s something that’s true now and was true way back when women were going to singles’ bars, singles’ parties and speed-dating. I’d ask them ‘how did you feel when you came back?. If you had a good time because you met some nice people, that’s fine. But if you’re putting lots of effort in and getting depressed about not meeting someone, don’t do it’.”
And that can apply to the apps.
But some women worry that, by not searching for someone, they might miss out on the right person…. right?
“Look, many women are told by professionals – and other people wanting to be helpful – that ‘there’s somebody out there for you, you just have to find them’. I don’t believe that. There may be someone out there. There may not be. The idea that there’s a soulmate for everybody just doesn’t fit with what I’ve seen. You may meet someone who’s right for you. You may meet someone who isn’t quite right for you, but you decide that there’s enough there. Maybe you never know if a person is right for you, because the timing is off.”
“Having this approach takes away self-blame because, if you believe there’s someone out there and you’ve got to find them, then you think ‘if I haven’t found someone, it’s my fault because I’m not doing the right thing’.”
Could you be open to introductions the old-fashioned way? “Ask women 50 or older how they, their mother or grandmother met someone: probably introductions through church or through family members, which doesn’t happen much anymore. But I do think more women are now moving back towards ‘if you know someone I might like, please introduce me’ or they’re open to somebody telling them about a man they might like.”
Dating vs The Biological Clock
Of course, being contentedly single is harder when you want children.
Karen’s book has a chapter to help women think about the following. “Is wanting to meet someone about wanting a child and not necessarily about wanting a man? Because can you guarantee you’re going to be married forever to the man and that he’s going to be an active father? No. So the question is, how much do you want to be a parent, and are you willing to do it by yourself?”
You could wait to meet someone, taking the risk that this may not happen in time to have a child. “But if you really want a child, and that’s more important than meeting someone, decide when and how.” For example, look into using donor sperm or adopting.
Many women find they do really want a child, Karen says. “Other women find that they don’t, and that the real issue is pressure from their family, parents, and particularly their mothers. Mothers like to talk to their friends about their daughters and grandkids.” Some mothers blame themselves for their daughter being unmarried. “I’ve helped many women talk to their mothers about how ‘this is your issue, not mine’.”
“I ask single women to think about where the internal pressure is coming from. Is it about who’s going to take care of you when you’re old or if you get sick? And I ask women to think about where the external pressure is coming from. Is it from the older generation worrying about a woman not being married?”
Karen often draws a pie chart with clients. “So, what percentage of your sadness about being single is your own? How much belongs to your mother, father, grandmother, teacher, boss?”. (And society in general.)
If a woman really does want a partner, the crystal-ball exercise might come in handy. “A woman might say, ‘hopefully I’ll meet somebody that meets my needs, and that I want to spend my time with, but until then, I’ve got a full life’.’”
