Kiwi author Lauren Keenan, who you might remember from her book The 52 Week Project, writes about how to break the cycle of negativity when you’ve gone through a bad series of events and are finding yourself in a bad mood spiral.
Sometimes, life gives you lemons.
These lemons come in all shapes and sizes – breakups, accidents, horrible interpersonal situations and illnesses to name a few. Sometimes you find the ingredients to make lemonade and eventually put that period of your life behind you. Sometimes you can’t, nor should you expect to. There is a certain sort of trauma that stays with you, regardless of how much time passes – and that’s okay.
Then there is that painful purgatory in between. Going toxic. The symptoms might be familiar: rumination, ranting, anger, cynicism. Turning toxic is horrible, both for the individual and those around them. It can also feel tragically unfair, for not only did a bad thing happen in the first place, but now you’re being hurt by the nasty citrus from the toxic lemons.
How, then, to stop going toxic?
Break the rumination cycle
Rumination is the act of walking around an issue and poking it with sticks. At first it’s useful. Looking at the problem from different angles and unpicking the strands can help you understand things better. There comes a point, though, when poking a problem with sticks no longer serves you. Especially as rumination begets further rumination, because when you think about something often, the places you are when you have these thoughts eventually become triggers in themselves.
You ponder the problem whenever you listen to a certain song, while brushing your teeth, and when you see that manky cat from down the road. Then, time moves on, but your thought loops don’t. Instead of leaving the toxic rumination behind, you’re reminded of the problem whenever you do those things because – at some stage – listening to that song, brushing your teeth, and seeing the manky cat have become a trigger for remembering.
Events in my life that have turned me the most toxic are those where I haven’t had the courage or permission space to call out the people who wronged me.
You will never move on unless you break this thought loop. It’s not easy to do this as it requires intense mental strength. But you must try. Things that may help include paying close attention to what triggers your negative thoughts, and avoid those things if you can. Avoid the manky cat, and stop playing that song. Keep cleaning your teeth, though. Dental hygiene is important, y’all. But maybe buy a new toothbrush.
Understand anger and outlets
Anger can be a grenade with significant collateral damage. Many of us are taught from a young age that anger is a ‘bad’ emotion that needs to be suppressed. We are praised for being ‘the bigger person’ or ‘dealing with that situation’, even when the situation in question might be something we’re justifiably angry about.
Events in my life that have turned me the most toxic are those where I haven’t had the courage or permission space to call out the people who wronged me. Because if the anger isn’t expressed, sometimes it doesn’t go away. It just turns inward and festers on your soul.
Anger as a grenade does to great harm to people and those around them. But anger doesn’t need to be a grenade. It can be expressed in a controlled way, such as in a well-timed conversation. It’s amazing how empowering that can be, and how it can help you throw the toxic lemons into the bin.
Choose who to talk to and when
Talking about your problems is good thing and should be encouraged. Sometimes, though, talking about the same thing over and over can keep you in a rut. Especially when talking to the wrong people – those who secretly feed off your negativity as it affirms their own world-view, or those who are toxic themselves. Or, people who let you say whatever you want without ever subtly calling you out when your narrative starts to stray from the truth. It’s nice to have such advocates in your life. But, over time, the end result could be an accidental distortion of the facts to suit your narrative that ultimately holds you back from healing.
There sometimes comes a point where you have to stop prodding a memory with sticks and walk away. Far away. The sort of distance that requires sensible shoes.
Also be mindful about when you talk about your issues. Catching up with a workmate for Saturday brunch and a cathartic moan about the boss significantly reduces your chances of unwinding from work over the weekend. Heavy, angry conversations late in the evening will not help you sleep. And engaging in intense online chats as you go about your day will keep whatever is upsetting you following you around like a dark cloud. As I said earlier, talking about your problems is ace. Just be careful about when and to whom – for your own sake.
Understand that space is important
In order to truly understand a situation you need space and distance. There sometimes comes a point where you have to stop prodding a memory with sticks and walk away. Far away. The sort of distance that requires sensible shoes. Once you clear your mind and walk away in your sensible shoes, one of two things will happen. Either you get the time and space required for your sub-conscious mind to finally fill in the gaps in your understanding. Or, you’ve walked so far away you don’t actually care anymore. Win win!
Appreciate that your issue may be something else entirely
The human brain is tricky sometimes. It’s not unusual to subconsciously deflect from your gritty neuroses by focusing on something safer. Like how a kid might have an epic tantrum about which spoon they are given to eat their breakfast with on the first day of a new school. Plot twist: the issue is not actually the spoon. Grown-ups do this too. It might not be about breakfast paraphernalia and new situations, but the same principle applies. And crying about a spoon is easier to articulate than the really tough, confusing stuff.
It’s not easy to follow this advice, but if you’ve gone toxic it’s important to at least try. Otherwise the only person that will be most harmed by this rancid toxic lemon is yourself.
