How can introverts reclaim our power in a society that rewards extroversion – and what are some life hacks? Expert Jenny Valentish shares it all…
London-raised, Melbourne-based journalist Jenny Valentish (the Guardian, ABC etc) is also a podcaster, journalism tutor, workshop facilitator, and keynote speaker (including about overcoming alcoholism). You might not expect her to be an introvert, but she is one.
Jenny recently released her fifth book The Introvert’s Guide to Leaving the House: “a practical book for introverts, awkwards, sociophobes and stand-offishes”. How to best define introverts? Jenny describes them as “people whose battery is drained in company, as opposed to extroverts, who become recharged”.
With a chatty tone and many a quip, she gives introverts some ‘aces up their sleeves’ to navigate interactions – including handling social scenarios, going to parties, making small talk, being a ‘team player’ at work, dealing with judgement, posting on social media, handling conflict, and public speaking. There are useful bullet-pointed summary lists and practical exercises.
Funny and unfiltered, Jenny has ADHD and can maintain the energy that an interview requires for 45 minutes. So that’s what we do over Zoom, with no need for constant eye contact.
Feeling less than
As I tell Jenny, I feel like us introverts can feel ‘less than’ living in our society. Not only is there this ingrained idea that being an introvert is worse than being an extrovert, but there’s also often the idea that extroversion should be an aspiration. We just need to try harder!
Jenny nods. “Yeah, I remember an extrovert saying to me, ‘Jenny, you’d be perfect if you were more extroverted’. I thought, ‘that’s a bit gutting’.”
Also, someone that she’s been close friends with for seven years said that Jenny wasn’t an introvert. “Even though I’d just written a book on being an introvert! I explained to her that introverts have their special people who they can let loose with and not be guarded around. Plus, we’re both journalists, so she sees me professionally, and we introverts learn how to ‘mask’ in our jobs. I suppose I should be flattered that she thinks I’m pulling off being more confident than I am?”
We’re not living in a world made for introverts, Jenny says. “We’re living in an extroverts’ world because introverts are around 25% to 35% of the population, which surprised me because I thought it would be a dead split.”
Through suggestions in her book, Jenny wants to help make things less taxing for introverts. “Consider me your creative accountant, set on minimising your tax as much as is legally possible.” However, she’s not saying introverts need ‘curing’. “Some introverts are perfectly happy the way they are. They don’t feel they need to adjust anything.”
A common stereotype: that all introverts are shy. Jenny isn’t shy these days. As she writes, “I can be reasonably outgoing in a social scenario, but there’s a window of tolerance and, beyond that, my interest and energy abruptly run out. [Also] I need to be in my own head and I feel irritated if I’m interrupted.”
She thinks introversion became a little less uncool since the pandemic began. “Because during lockdowns, many introverts were saying ‘I’m fine, thanks’.”
Jenny says there’s much to admire about introverts. “They can hold whole universes in their heads. They’re so good at self-directed work and self-sufficient life.” She’s not trying to diss extroverts at all. “But there’s so much to celebrate about introverts, and workplaces need to catch up.”
Because, TBH, being introverted can consciously or subconsciously be held against people at job interviews. How many introverts have felt they needed to impersonate an extrovert for that hour? Especially when the focus is ‘team player’. “You just have to lie,” Jenny says. “Some companies do psychometric tests if they’re looking for a really outgoing person for a role – or if they want an office culture where everyone takes parts in social events and doesn’t slink off and hide in the toilet.”
And if you get the job, in an organisation full of extroverts, that can be draining.
It can also be tiring trying to mask your introversion outside of work, at social events. “I’ve been known to disappear at parties for a while, or go into the bathroom to recharge for a sec.” If it’s talking face to face, Jenny’s introversion plus her ADHD mean she finds it hard to stand still and make prolonged eye contact. “I might get antsy when I’m talking to people, so I always find an excuse to pop off here or there.”
“I’ve never been bothered about being an introvert – it’s no affliction.” But she doesn’t want to come across as cold or rude.
Jenny writes about how her friend Jane thinks of social interactions “as an exercise in energetic budgeting” with a limited amount of “sociability credits”.
Because introverts only have a limited window of energy, Jenny has coined a technique she calls SUFOE (Show Up, Fuck Off Early). “You get that one-on-one time with your hosts, who are often grateful when people show up early on. As other people turn up, you’ll have the advantage of being more ‘well established’, as you’re not the nervous person walking in. Then you can play it by ear. If you need to go after an hour or two, you’ve already made your presence known. You could just say goodbye to the host and leave with without doing five laps of the party to say goodbye.”
“You know that Ed Sheeran song Bad Habits, when he says nothing good happens after 2[a.m.]? I believe nothing good happens after 9pm, so I’d rather have left a party by then and be at home watching Netflix.”
Making A Commitment
As Jenny writes, “you won’t find any ‘fake it till you make it’ guff in this book, because I don’t think that’s a good fit for introverts… I don’t believe reserved folks can just paste on a huge smile and ramp up the volume.” Rather, she recommends showing up in an authentic, committed way. “This book is about really committing to something, becoming a hearty participator, not a bystander or passenger.”
“Only partly engaging with life means there will be untold missed opportunities. So figuring out your social limits, and then vowing to be fully engaged before you meet them [your limits], is a good compromise.”
“Often we’ll have friends who are a bit more social than us,” she tells me, “but I say ‘don’t let your mate take the weight’. I suggest you walk into a room, and try and get the most out of the situation. We can offer up interesting things about ourselves in conversations. Maybe think of funny anecdotes that involve you. Otherwise it’s tempting to just relentlessly ask the other person questions, and just smile and nod. We’re not getting anything out of that.”
Jenny says you could choose a ‘power animal’ – someone who excels in certain situations that you find difficult – and think about what they’d do in that scenario. Her very extroverted boyfriend, Frank, is her power animal. “I wouldn’t sub in just any extrovert. Frank really likes people and wants everyone to feel comfortable – and that’s not necessarily what every extrovert does.”
But she doesn’t want to use his extroversion as a shield when they’re out and about.
Another tip: if you’re naturally irritable around noise like she is, maybe experiment with earplugs that reduce background noise while still allowing conversation to cut through.
Does she think there’s a spectrum from extroverted to introverted? “I think that’s probably right, because there are supposedly ambiverts.” Ambiverts are supposedly people who exhibit both introverted and extroverted traits (that’s not something she gets into in the book).
I wonder if life events can move you along the spectrum?
“Well, it’s been found that as people get older, they become more introverted. But my mum used to be an introvert and when she hit her 70s, she became really extroverted and she didn’t give a f**k. If that happens to me, I’m kind of looking forward to that phase.”
It’s early days when it comes to feedback from readers, but Jenny has heard from introverts who feel better understood and better-equipped, as well as extroverts who now understand introverts better.
“People who aren’t introverts have also connected with the book as I’m writing with a personal lens, and I’m neurodiverse and have a bit of trauma in my history. A friend of mine has experienced awful grief, and she’s a real extrovert, but she recognised the aspect of the book around trying to tweak aspects of your behaviour and set yourself positive missions. So that resonated. And in the book I talk to people who have ADHD, and people who have ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder] – and of course plenty of extroverts have those things and they also might have social anxiety. The book is much broader than introversion, but frankly, we needed a title with searchable keywords!”
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