Keeping kids safe online is something that yes, all parents have (or should have) top of mind at the moment – but, trying to understand the dangers and working out what works best to mitigate the risks can be very overwhelming. Here, sex and relationship therapist Jo Robertson breaks it all down for us and explains how to approach it with your children and the exact questions to ask them.
For parents, the conversation about children and the online world can sometimes feel like a losing battle. There’s so much to worry about – screen time, social media, gaming, porn, bullying and who our kids might be talking to online. We need to understand what they’re seeing, who they’re listening to, and what messages they’re absorbing – all while holding down work, friendships and a household.
The internet is not just a place our children visit. It is increasingly part of the environment in which they develop their ideas about relationships, sex, gender, consent, body image, money and what it means to be successful. And kids don’t have to go looking for this information, algorithms are doing an excellent job at delivering compelling and novel content to them. Unfortunately, content that we know can harm.
A child might watch a video about gaming, and then be recommended a streamer talking about sex and the perils of feminism. They might search for a question about puberty and end up in communities talking about body image and disordered eating. They may stumble across suicide content, radical ideas, or extreme violence without ever intending to see it.
I hear adults downplay exposure to this content in different ways. Firstly, they think their kids won’t see it, or their kid is so “responsible” that they wouldn’t engage. But the reality is that there is no “unicorn” young person who always makes great decisions and never has a moment of curiosity. Parents also say things like “we all saw some weird stuff and we’re OK” or “they just need to know it’s not real” (but it is), or somehow feel it’s not as serious to see it because it’s on a screen rather than in “real life.” But here is what the research says – even if young people know something like porn is acted sex, many still copy what they see. Pornography has become an informal sex education curriculum. It teaches young people what bodies are “supposed to” look like, what sex is “supposed to” involve, how people are “supposed to” behave, and what someone should tolerate to please a partner.
We are seeing the influence of online sexual culture turn up in real-world behaviour.
Young people are encountering ideas about rough sex, choking, coercion and sexual performance online and interpreting these behaviours as normal parts of sex. The concern isn’t that young people are curious about sex, or that they are wanting to do it. Curiosity is normal, as is sexual exploration. The concern is where they are getting their information from.
The same applies beyond sex.
Online spaces are shaping how boys understand masculinity. They encounter influencers telling them that vulnerability is weakness, that women are the problem, or that success is about dominance, money and status. They can easily fall into communities where extreme ideas are normalised because the algorithm takes them on a path they never expected.
And then there is AI. Our children are growing up alongside technology that can generate images, imitate people, answers intimate questions (poorly) and provide endless ‘companionship’ and validation. We need to be thinking seriously about what happens when kids begin turning to technology not just for information, but for advice about relationships, sex, identity and mental health.
None of this means we have to go live off grid, although I know that is tempting!
What our kids need is boundaries, conversation and digital literacy. They need adults who understand that online experiences can have offline consequences, and are going to guide them through it.
We need to ask questions like: What have you seen lately? Have there been any influencers that have made you feel icky? What do you think about X topic? Do you think porn seems realistic? What would you do if someone asked you for a nude pic? What would you do if a friend said they were going to meet someone that they’d only known through gaming?
And importantly, we need to be a soft landing place for them if something goes wrong online. If the first response to a child telling us something scary is punishment or shame, we simply teach them we are not a safe place to talk.
The answer isn’t to live without devices (although less would be good) – we have to teach them how to exist in this world, age appropriately. We teach children how to cross a road because we know roads are dangerous. We don’t simply tell them never to leave the house.
The online world requires the same approach.
Our job is to create sensible boundaries around access, reduce unnecessary risk, stay interested in what they are doing online and, most importantly, build the kind of relationship where they know they can come back to us. Because ultimately, the most important online safety tool a child has isn’t a filter or a parental control – It is a trusted adult who is paying attention.
One more thing; this can’t just be all up to parents. I don’t believe the entire responsibility for the safety of children online should rest on parental choices – if something impacts a whole generation, it demands a whole-of-society response. Good policy, nationwide campaigns, national guidelines, research and education in schools. When we know there’s a phenomenon that impacts every single young person, we should act accordingly, not relying only on those parents with access to information to create change. This is political, so wherever you have influence – use it, for the sake of all of our kids.
Jo Robertson appears in the documentary What Happened to Sex? which airs on TVNZ 1, Monday, August 24, 2026 at 8:30 PM and on TVNZ+
