We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – she welcomed her precious first baby last December: a darling little girl. And Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here, 12 weeks here, 14 weeks here , 16 weeks here, 18 weeks here and 20 weeks, here.
From those early trenches of motherhood, we started catching up with Kim every month – you can read her five month update here, her six month update here and her seven month update here.
This month, Coco is now eight months. Eight months! Kim’s reflecting on the last month – and it’s been a big one. She’s looking back at all the different versions of Coco, the beautiful mourning of each stage, and updating us on what’s been going on this month.
I had a wee Google to see what “most mums” are feeling at the eight month mark, something I have done a bit of over my motherhood journey as I often feel maybe I am an outlier, only to find I am more normal and not at all unique each time, which is honestly a good thing. Whilst I thrive on being unique in most areas of life, my emotional rollercoaster is one I prefer to be sharing than be alone on.
A quote that came up was, “I wish someone had told me that I’d miss every version of my baby, even while I was excited to meet the next one.” On these milestones, and when I sit down to reflect on the month, tears come instantly. A moment to take pause and look back at each four weeks, notice the changes in my baby girl, her size, her features, her movement, and it bottles in my throat making it hard to swallow.
It’s a mourning of sorts, in a really beautiful way, and a pressure to not ever forget the tiny details of each stage, the memories I hope are somehow tattooed in my brain forever. And it’s also so much joy. Holding two big emotions at once has really been the definition of my motherhood journey and again, knowing I am not unique is comforting.
Eight months will forever be a milestone for me for a few reasons, which a lot of you may have picked up on, and something I am sure when I find the appropriate way to share, I will do so. I think there are some things in life that need a little time before you can find the right words for them, and I am giving myself permission to have that time. But Coco and I are on a new little journey and I am committed to making it full of love and good vibes only. There is so much I want for this little girl and so much I want to experience with her, and I think this next chapter is going to be about leaning into that.
I think what I am noticing most as we step into our 8th month of mum and bub is that my capacity is now adjusted, or corrected, and I can or am expanding the kind of chats and tasks that had been sidelined for almost the past year. What I mean is, the late pregnancy and newborn phase, every waking moment was filled with thoughts that pertained to that exact moment. Something has shifted in the last month. I think a lot of mums who return to work earlier have this shift, or are able to make this shift happen out of necessity earlier, but for me it’s only just starting to happen. To hold space for ideas, conversations and plans that are bigger than the moment I am currently in. It might sound silly but when you are in mum mode, being able to be a good friend, daughter, show up to something for someone, have a conversation that isn’t about a baby, or even think about something that isn’t immediately necessary can all feel like so much sometimes, and then like magic, your capacity just adjusts.
I went to a conference with Coco that my sister ran this week that was all about engineering change for our country, and that in itself was not even in my mind to be able to care about a few months ago, let alone enjoy, and yet this week Coco and I were there from 7am–7pm, injected with information, riveting conversations and people doing really interesting things, and she was happy, fed and slept on me all day. We were there, we did it, and we bloody nailed it. Even a month ago this would have been put in the impossible camp. Yet we bloody did it.
Stretching my capacity and Coco’s capacity is still a bit uncomfortable to me and I think that’s where I am still finding my confidence. When is it disruptive and when is it part of life or experience? Is being out all day overstimulating and will stress her, and when is it a nice change to the norm and expanding her world? I feel we can all answer this for ourselves but I tend to answer it more in hindsight. I feel icky about doing things, then I do them and I’m like, oh, that went well. That was fine. Maybe that is part of motherhood too, learning that sometimes the thing you were worried about is actually completely okay.
I think I am experiencing the first stages of what is defined as mum guilt. I feel bad when Coco has to come with me to do chores, yet maybe she loves being in new environments. I feel bad when I need to take her in the car more than once a day, but maybe the places we go are exciting or new to her and that makes her brain tick. I think I am starting to realise that I have this idea that I need to be providing the perfect childhood experience for her at all times, when actually she is probably quite happy just being along for the ride. There is a lot of life that has to happen around babies and perhaps they don’t need us to make every moment magical. Maybe doing the boring stuff together is also part of her world. I’m trying to balance the two.
I also have been watching a bit of Bluey. We aren’t big on screens but in the morning, while I am making Coco her breakfast of a lamb chop and broccoli or similar, I have been putting it on so I can cook, which I am not very good at at the best of times. And my God, it’s brilliant. Bandit is totally setting unrealistic and aspirational roles of a father, but also some great messages. I always thought before motherhood I would hate having to watch kids TV or listen to cheesy music, yet I am all in. It’s amazing! I might tire of it, but wow, it really is a fantastic show haha. I’m like, how can I make an animation for kids this good? That’s where my brain goes at nighttime when I am feeding Coco to sleep. My creative brain is starting to wake up from its little slumber over the past year and it’s pretty damn exciting. I have missed that part of myself. The part of my brain that is constantly making things, thinking of things, coming up with ideas and wondering how something could be done differently. I can feel it coming back, and I am very excited to see what happens when I let it.
Even though I said I wouldn’t, I did Google eight month milestones and whilst Coco is army crawling a bit, she isn’t making any repeated sounds, just blowing raspberries and dribbling a phenomenal amount. No teeth yet either, but I can see them under the gums almost ready to pop through. How cute. I have become that mum who Googles milestones and then immediately regrets Googling milestones because suddenly I am comparing my baby to an imaginary baby who apparently has achieved everything on the list already. She is doing just fine. I know this. But apparently I am still human and still in therapy to work through some of my perfectionism and achievement addiction.
Something else I didn’t think I would be so invested in is poop haha. Not my own in this case, Miss Coco’s. What a fascinating journey this is becoming as she starts to eat more and we get the little real looking poops. Haha, it’s so funny to me and somehow both adorable and insightful. Something else I understand is a full first time mum experience. I was so overjoyed with her first more solid poop that I sent it to the family thread, which was not met with the same excitement I possessed haha, so I refrained from adding it to my mum chat thread. I genuinely thought everyone would be equally as proud and excited by this new milestone and skill. Apparently not. Haha.
I did have a bit of a body update too. After some of you might have seen, I went to get some more tests done which included a very intimate exam with a balloon and a very long wand at Auckland Colorectal to see if I have nerve damage, voluntary muscle damage or involuntary muscle damage. I genuinely never imagined that this would be something I would casually write about on the internet, but motherhood has a funny way of making you completely lose your previous boundaries around what constitutes TMI. I am set to see the specialist next month and discuss what some treatment options might be. Somewhere between the body healing itself in amazing ways and also medical intervention that could look like a pacemaker inserted to help with the damage to my sacral nerve. I’ll keep you posted. The human body is absolutely wild and I have a whole new respect for what it can go through, repair, adapt to and sometimes just absolutely surprise you with. I have included a photo of the wand so you can see what I mean about very intimate …
Breastfeeding Awareness Week was last week and as I walked around the house with Coco feeding, as I do one handed chores, it was nice to take a moment to pause and see how far I have come on our feeding journey, from low supply to being able to move and feed. Coco is still exclusively breastfed with the addition of some foods, which she plays with more than eats, and I freaking love it. During those early days I really was so in awe of the mums who latched with such ease and prayed it would one day be that simple for me, and now here we are. I know feeding is not for everyone and everyone’s enjoyment is also a spectrum. Before motherhood I always felt a little judgy to mums feeding over 12 months, and the judgment came for no real reason other than the conversations I had been part of, with no curiosity to explore my own feelings further. Perhaps because it feels less common to see that I naturally had a judgment ingrained. And now in the thick of it I am loving it. It helps regulate us both and I want to continue for as long as Coco is comfortable too, or for as long as it works for us. Funny how we can flip on things so massively in motherhood. I welcome it. I like it when my position on things changes. I try to embrace it and see it as a sign of growth. I think there is something really lovely about being able to say, “I used to think this, and now I think something completely different,” without needing to defend the old version of yourself.
I also want to talk about my village. In what will be a new chapter of my life, I think it is so important to thank you all, the friends, the family, the readers who reach out and pour in to our journey. Without you all I most likely would not have the confidence I have, the joy and the community around me that have made this journey so much richer. There have been moments over the last eight months where I have felt like I absolutely knew what I was doing and moments where I have been standing in the kitchen wondering if I am fundamentally failing at this. And the people around me have been the constant reminder that I don’t have to know everything. Sometimes you just need someone to say, “Yep, that sounds normal,” or “I had this too,” or even just “You’re doing okay.” That has meant more to me than I can probably explain.
Let’s talk about first mum energy and why I am also taking a big pivot and going to embrace it. I have spent the last eight months trying to channel second time mum energy. The kind of chill energy that can only really come from walking the path before and taking your hard earned lessons and approaching things with familiarity not fear. I have watched second mums, questioned them, studied them almost and tried to walk through life with their swag. I have admired the mums who seem to know when to worry and when not to, who can throw a baby in the car with three nappies and a muslin and somehow survive the day without packing the contents of their entire house.
But here’s the thing, I am a first time mum. And I think I need to embrace that.
It’s been a few months of big reflections for me and one of those is that I am always trying to perfect things, and motherhood cannot be perfected. I am adding more stress to my plate by trying to act like someone who knows what they are doing and whilst in some settings that is a very helpful tool, in motherhood I think there is some grace and embracing I am trying to nurture in being a first time mum. It’s okay to be a first time mum, to worry about things more than you might if you had done this before, and to need reassurance sometimes. I think I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I should be more chill, when actually maybe I am just a person who cares deeply and wants to do a good job.
There is also something incredibly freeing about embracing some first time mum vibes and feeling safe to do so. I trust that other mums will be there to lend a hand or kind encouraging words or advice. It’s okay to not know what to do and to ask for help or for someone to pour into the experience, and I don’t need to beat myself up for asking.
Take last week when Coco was sick. I didn’t know if I needed to take Coco to the doctor, the hospital or if I was being ridiculous. I felt so nervous about not taking her and then feeling like I should have, and being a bad mum for not. Thanks to the community, I started showering with her and feeding in the shower to help relieve the congestion, putting Baby Vicks on her feet and being available to keep her on me and upright as much as possible. Simple things, but I was so clouded by concern it helped to have some veteran mums look her over and share some tips to help keep her comfortable. Sometimes the best thing you can do is ask someone who has been there before.
So that’s the eight month update. We are embracing being a first time mum, and Coco and I are embarking on this next phase with a lot of love, a lot of support, a slightly questionable amount of Bluey and, hopefully, a little less pressure to have it all figured out. I don’t know exactly what the next few months will look like, and for perhaps the first time in a while I am okay with that. There is a lot I don’t know, but there is also a lot I do know. I know this little girl is deeply loved. I know she is happy. I know I am lucky. I know I have an incredible village around me. And I know that whatever this next chapter looks like, I want to meet it with as much love, humour, curiosity and good vibes as I possibly can.
Eight months. How is that even possible?
As always, if you have any advice, thoughts, or you are walking a similar path to me at 8 months, I would absolutely love to hear from you. I learn so much from the women who share their experiences with me, whether it’s a little tip, something that made you laugh, something you wish you had known, or simply a “yep, me too.” It means more to me than you know to have this little community to share the highs, lows, questions, ridiculous poops and everything in between with.
x
