We’ve had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – six weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, six weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan. If you haven’t read her first piece, head here to read it now! Two weeks later, she sent in another update of the incredibly wild ride that is postpartum (you can catch up on that here!) and again a month in.
Now, Kim has reached the six week mark – and heck, do things change and move quickly within postpartum. Here, Kim shares what’s been going on for her, as always, telling her story so generously, in a very real, raw and vulnerable way.
Off the back of my last blog I have booked in a session with my hypnotherapist Bec to work on my intrusive thoughts. Thank you to everyone who reached out about having intrusive thoughts. I think sometimes a curse of having an overactive imagination is that our brains can so quickly catastrophise and when you are tired, it is so easy to follow the thoughts. When I contacted Bec she let me know that it was super common and that as women our brains literally change when we give birth and part of this is survival and protection for our young ones. I am hoping that some hypnotherapy will help me interject some of the thoughts and fill me with more ease.
Six weeks of Coco and all I see is mothers. And all I need is compliments.
You are doing great.
These four words have quietly become my new drug of choice. This past week I have had messages from other mums in my DMs simply saying ‘you are doing great’ and I cannot express how lovely that is to receive or how much of an elixir it has been.
I remember when I was first diagnosed with depression learning the importance of someone saying how does that make you feel rather than you should go for a run. Now in motherhood I feel like the equivalent is you are doing great rather than how much sleep are you getting?
I encourage anyone who knows a mother to remind them that they are doing great. And I also need to say it more to my own mum. She has been an absolute rockstar these past six weeks – and always! – but especially right now as she is literally holding Coco and burping her so I can write this. I cannot for the life of me nail the burping, so it has become one of the things I am most happy to ask for help with.
I wrote last week about wanting to be a superhero and how Kim 2.0 felt more like a squeezed tube of toothpaste. But what motherhood has already taught me is a grace and compassion for mothers that I did not have before. I have always admired mothers of course but just like the yellow car theory once you start looking for yellow cars you see a lot more of them I now see mothers everywhere. I see the mum out walking with two dogs a pram and a toddler. I see the mum being patient in line at the supermarket whilst being asked a thousand questions. I see the mother, feeling excited for a young one going down the slide.
They’re all things that existed before, but were just in the background of my vision. They are all now popping with colour and I feel an emotional tie with all of them. Like a shared joy empathy and understanding. Like a club that has been hiding in plain sight that I have just become a member of. Also, I have never felt more desire to be around women. Like a need and longing for female energy at all times. Perhaps being tired I need mothering myself. When the daughter becomes a mother there is still a girl inside that needs maternal energy. Strange then that I caused a fight with my mum this week. She has been in the trenches with me and I have been a little short with her which I needed to apologise for.
I will also own that I was the common denominator in both arguments I had this week. One with Tom and one with mum. Sometimes when you are sleep deprived it is hard to both feel justified and recognise that you might also be too stubborn. Today I had my first proper nap and I dreamed. A normal dream. It made me realise that besides intrusive thoughts I do not think I have had a proper dream since Coco was born.
New mother fatigue is odd. I know I am tired because I have not slept more than a couple of hours at a time in almost six weeks, but I also feel kind of okay. So, when people say, ‘you must be tired’ I feel defensive. Most likely my ego, as I like to think I am a great actress and that my tiredness can be masked, so the suggestion I might be tired feels like a personal attack. It is tiredness without logic. I want more help, but I do not want anyone to do anything baby-related which makes no sense at all. I think I honestly just want compliments.
Compliments have always been my drug of choice and being a Kiwi that is a very inappropriate thing to say out loud because it does not sound humble at all so let me explain. My love language is words. I love kind words, partially because I have negative self talk. I speak horribly to myself in my own brain so when people say nice things it interrupts that narrative and challenges it in a good way. As a mum -something I feel like I am doing poorly or not good enough most of the time – it feels especially nice to hear encouragement. It feels strange to ask for compliments and I do not think we hand them out very often, but I will be the first to say it. Right now while I am tired and constantly questioning myself words of encouragement are what I need.
So what has been going on?
One of the biggest developments this week is that I am now able to stay much calmer when Coco cries. The panic of the witching hour cries that had me in tears those first nights has subsided. I am now able to hold her and regulate myself at the same time which feels like a big achievement.
Physically I am off to see a pelvic floor specialist this coming week. I am not sure if I have prolapse am still healing internally have internal haemorrhoids or am just taking longer to heal than expected. There is a constant downward pressure that honestly feels like I could poop a bowling ball at any moment. It is really uncomfortable and makes sitting and standing less than ideal. I would genuinely love to hear from anyone who has experienced prolapse or something similar and how they worked to heal.
Coco will be due for her six week jabs. I am not looking forward to her being uncomfortable and while I know some mums wait an extra week or so, we have to travel soon we will be getting them done as scheduled. Any tips for post jab care for newborns would be so appreciated!
And the witching hour. Or more accurately the witching evening. I was very close to calling an ambulance the first night as out of nowhere Coco had a rash a different coloured poop and a cry I had never heard before. Much like The Amazing Race I did not learn about this until I was already in it. Now that I am here I am weirdly excited to see what the next level of motherhood unlocks. That is how I am choosing to reframe it. Like a game where the next stage is not revealed ahead of time you just arrive and have to figure it out quickly.
My mood. I have not gone full bitch mode but I am tired from Coco’s nighttime party phase and am operating in what my best friend calls survival mode week. Unable to weather idiots / slightly on autopilot and capable of little outside of functioning. This too shall pass. I want love and attention and also to be left alone. A very fun dance for everyone around me, I am sure!
I am at bliss when I am with my baby. And also in pain from the duality of feeling so deeply in love while grieving how quickly she is growing. She has eyelashes now. She is heavier, more alert and somehow already so old. How is she so old already?
This past week we also finished our nursery. I wanted to share a few of the things I got based on your recommendations. Thank you so much. It meant a lot reading what you did and did not use. I promised I would share a list so you can pass it on to anyone due soon or save for later.
As always I love hearing from you. If you have advice experiences or something you think might help me on my motherhood path or help baby Coco please send me a message. And if you know a mother remind her she is doing great.
Kim’s List:
Capsule: Nuna Arra Flex
Carry Cot: Nuna Cari Next
Front Pack: Nuna Cudl Deux
Co-sleeper: Shnuggle Air Lite Bedside Crib
Cot: BabyRest Amara Cot
Dresser/Change Table: BabyRest Amara Chest 3 Drawer
Change Mat: BabyRest Nova Change Mat
Nappy Bin: Aster Nappy Bin
Nursing Chair: Celeste Electric Nursery Chair
Baby Bath: Shnuggle Bath
Bath Thermometer: Shnuggle Pebbly Bath Thermometer
Sterilizer: Dr Brown’s Bottle Steriliser and Dryer
Lounger: Little Bee Baby Lounger
Nursing Pillow: Doomoo Nursing Air Pillow
