Welcome to Am I The Only One with Meg Mansell, our new regular Capsule columnist. Meg is one of our favourite members of the Capsule community, bringing us smart, warm and thoughtful pieces on mental health, body positivity, motherhood and more. This month, Meg writes about the bittersweet joy of having a long-distance best friend and how physical distance is no match for the emotional power of friendship.
When I was a child, I had the perfect set up. I was walking distance to my school, my local park and my favourite spot of all – my fairy dell. I made it in my backyard with toadstools and fake flowers, dried leaves and any miniature bits and bobs I could get my hands on.
I dug out a little lake for my water inclined fairy friends, fashioned tiny beds and I visited them every day. From the first light on Saturday morning until dusk fell on Sunday night, I was playing with my garden companions, having conversations and making boats out of petals or perfume that I would patiently try to pour into tiny bottles that my mum gave me to make them happy.
As I grew older, my magical friends faded and my favourite pastime grew into being with my real-life best friend – still within walking distance. I fondly remember becoming a part of her family, letting myself in the front door and giving a smile to her Mum or Dad which was as natural as saying hello to my own.
I would make my way up the stairs to her bedroom, where she wouldn’t even flinch as I plonked myself down on her bed. She would usually be in the middle of rearranging her room (a classic 90’s kid activity) as I would flick through magazines and we would discuss what the plan was for our upcoming birthday parties.
All the way up until I was 18, I was lucky enough to be within 5 minutes of my closest girlfriends. We even worked together at the same cafe for a time, which always ended with our shifts turning into some sort of drinking games and crashing at someone’s house.
It’s been 15 years since those glorious memories of physical closeness to them – I moved to Christchurch for university at 19, and it became sporadic catch-ups whenever I visited home.
For a few dreamy years, one of my girls moved to Auckland where I was living and we ended up flatting together. We were nine steps away from each other at all times. I remember when our landlord who lived next door said it was wonderful to wake up to laughter over the fence every weekend morning.
My friend ended up moving to England a couple of years later, which was the greatest thing she ever did, meeting her husband and now having a gorgeous baby boy. But it’s not a secret between us that it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
And as lonely in my emotions that I felt, I’m far from alone in my situation. Long-distance friendships are becoming more and more common – I recently did a poll on my instagram of 2000 people with 90% saying that yes, they too have a long-distance best mate.
These friendships ranged from starting at primary school having stood the test of time despite the distance to more recent uni and work mates moving away for love, adventure or career opportunities.
Luckily, 36% seemed to have not only survived but thrived regardless of how far away they live from one another – only 14% no longer talk because of it.
We are all becoming more accepting that we will have to get creative when it comes to communication and I learnt of all the ways everyone is doing it. The most popular being the beloved Facebook voice message – which has evolved into allowing us all to make mini podcasts of life updates for each other.
The second most popular was the phone call or Facetime on the way to or from work depending on the time zone difference. Some have set up monthly catch-ups, driving the distance to cook and fill each other’s freezers.
Snapchat has had a resurgence with Gen Z – and is still treasured by so many because of its ease to send videos and photos to LDB (Long Distance Besties).
There are sporadic ‘no pressure’ messages sent, more like diary entries than a mere couple of sentences with no deadline to reply right away. Once-a-year girls trips with shared savings accounts, snail mail and, popping up more and more, specific apps designed for this kind of friendship.
There’s Cappuccino – where you record voice memos and every morning at 7am it releases to your group of friends. Locket is another, where you send photos to each other in the moment. Then there’s Letterloop (I can vouch for this one) where your friends all answer questions about what’s happening in their lives with photos and once a month a collated update is sent to your email inbox – like a mini newsletter but just for your inner circle.
I even have a shared private instagram page with one girlfriend where we have posted one photo each, alternating, every single day for nearly two and a half years now.
Because I can’t speak from experience, I don’t know if it’s the same for boys and when their mates move away – but there is something so girlhood and romantic about how women have adjusted to still be involved with each other’s lives apart, all the while supporting their friends need to leave their shores temporarily, or for good.
As much as I long to be merely steps away from lounging on my best friend’s bed, lost in effortless conversation once again, I’ll take her happiness abroad and our wired words any day.
Reflecting back on when I was younger again, I always dreamed of having a pen pal. Now with some perspective, how lucky I am to have had my wish granted so many times over with my far-away friendships. Life moves fast and it scatters us along different pathways, but the right friendships don’t fade – they adapt.