When you look ahead to sex in midlife, you might think of it as winding down. But what if you’ll actually be reaching a sexual peak? What if we care less about how our bodies look and more about how they can give us sexual pleasure? How do things change, and what can you do to help bring the spark back and get to reigniting intimacy to take advantage of this glorious peak?
We’re examining all of this in our new series THE MIDLIFE PLEASURE RENAISSANCE, brought to you by Peaches and Cream, New Zealand’s place for pleasure! In this edition, we’re looking at reigniting intimacy with a chat with Dr Nicole Pray, a clinical psychologist who also runs weekend workshops for couples, and who specialises in couples where one or both members have experienced previous trauma. And when it comes to reigniting intimacy, she has lots of knowledge and lots of tips! (Click here to read our first instalment about how women actually reach their sexual peak in midlife, too!) And read on for some spicy little helper recommendations from Peaches and Cream to aid your journey!
Capsule x Peaches and Cream
Hi Nicole! Is it common for couples to fall into not having sex, and become a little bit blase about it?
Oh yeah. That’s more the norm than the exception. And not just a cross-section of couples I see, it’s also a cross section of couples in research. It’s the exception who are having great sex all the time. There are couples who prioritise and schedule it. And even those will say, it falls out of popularity at times.
So schedule sex?
My god. Big time. If you don’t schedule it, it ain’t going to happen. The whole mysterious idea that sex is just going to pop up in our daily lives when we’re as busy as we are? No way. The couples who have sex are the ones that schedule. Research shows that. And they guard the schedule. And if they miss the schedule, they have a backup date. Schedule sex during the daytime, if you can, because your serotonin levels are higher. So generally after about age 35-40, night sex is no longer the “low friction” way to do it, as serotonin levels are generally at their lowest at night.
Are there some couples who have never talked about sex?
Yeah. When I see couples, I always ask, ‘how is the intimacy going? Often they won’t bring it up to me themselves. There can be a dance of avoidance around it. Couples are usually freaked out to start the talk, but then I’ve had couples who realize this is way easier than they expected once they’re given the right prompts to discuss it.
How might a woman, generally speaking, broach the topic not put it off?
A common entry-level invitation would be, ‘hey, I’m wanting us experience the best closeness we can. And I’d like to try to learn how to ask for what I want around that. Would you work with me on finding ways to help me ask for what helps me to feel closer, connected, more attracted and attractive?’
Is there a period that people ‘fall out’ of having sex like seven years, 10 years?
I’ve had couples that fell out at six months. At two years. It’s amazing how quick it can happen. As soon as commitment comes into the relationship, so does expectation. This changes things and couples don’t know how to navigate. I’ve had couples for whom years have passed and now they’re finally getting help for it. So it’s baby steps. We all fall off. But resetting and coming back to it is the key.
So if your sex life started out average, it can actually improve?
Absolutely. This is the case for so many couples where sexuality was not fully addressed or explored. These inhibitions have always driven their approach. Then they start to talk about it out loud and turns out their expressed fears and insecurities and hurts actually cause them to feel closer and safer to approach the topic.
And quality, not quantity of sex?
Yeah. And quality means slow, caring, connected moments of presence. You build attraction that way. It doesn’t have to be, let’s get right to the traditional orgasm. Penis vagina sex is so overrated. I think people get stuck in that idea sex is just that and that trips them up.
Are you in favour of sex toys?
Big time. It’s almost a must. In particular, with women after 40, sex toys are needed to get lubrication, priming and stimulation, but also so women can start to associate the sexual act with actually feeling pleasure. In midlife many women lose libido. Then she feels either guilt or feels like she’s a bad partner. The women whose libido does go up, oftentimes have been on HRT steadily and who have gotten past menopause. Because of HRT they’re well lubricated. Their brain tissue, which is largely what stimulates sexual interest, is now alive again.
Non-sexual touch is important for establishing intimacy?
Gosh, yes. With non-performance touch, you start to associate intimacy and pleasure together by taking orgasm out of the picture. So how do we create eroticism? That might be eight or 12 weeks of touching our partner in a way that they’ll feel not necessarily sexual pleasure, but sensual pleasure. Like maybe week one we have 10 minutes where we exchange with each other a massage of the lower arm. Then the next week our shirts are off, and we’re massaging each other shoulders or back, then legs.
It’s quite easy to fall into not touching, one of you might be watching TV, one of you might be on your phone, you’ve gone through the whole evening and you actually haven’t touched or maybe have barely talked.
Yes. I’m creating this 30 questions exercise for couples just to start talking and looking at each. You start with the light version for the first 10 questions. Like, what one really positive thing that came up for you this week? Then you mirror your partner, really listening then you summarize what they said, then you change turns. The next day the exercise might be something fun that I remember from our past. Then it gradually moves into deeper issues like, ‘something I’m afraid to talk about sometimes with you is…’ This deeper-level intimacy builds safety, vulnerability and attraction.
Also novelty can be exciting, right?
Yes, big time. You can create the excitement by doing new things, together, such as researching a new position, creating a new recipe or visiting a new trail or town, or having sex in a different place.
Date nights don’t necessarily have to be a movie and dinner.
Yeah. An exercise I love doing with couples is we create a fun list. You keep adding and updating the list in a shared folder. Then they pick off their list. Comedians are great because they make both partners laugh and relax.
Rituals, compliments, appreciation, all those things are really important day-to-day?
Rituals in particular are a foundational security thing. It’s what makes your partner feel most connecteed. Maybe it’s the 30-second hug upon arriving home, reading in bed together, having breakfast together or a weekly coffee.
Do you think there’s a taboo about female sexual pleasure with the focus being on the men’s pleasure?
Yeah, as women, we’re often in service of the other person,. But there’s a whole movement these days in the literature and across social media. You’ve got some very empowering gynecologists and urologists saying, hey, women deserve more and here’s how the anatomy works, you better learn how it works. Oftentimes women don’t know about their own anatomy.
The clitoris has just been mapped!
Amazing.
Maybe you need an actual instruction sheet for your partner.
Yeah, ‘here’s the map of my clitoris!’ ‘Here’s a little graph!’. Here’s the part that really likes the stimulation. It’s primarily on top, so stimulate her on the outside, by the way! Here’s how sex toys come in handy. Your partner could hold the toy. Also, for a female, the priming is always different. The priming might be ‘chore play’, as in doing the extra activities around the house and I’m valued and seen.
Do some couples watch light porn together?
Yeah, the use of “light” porn can be useful if it’s helpful for both and done jointly. As long as it’s both partners and they have a contract where they’re using it to get closer rather than they’re using it separate. I’ve got couples where one will write erotic stories. It’s about creating danger, mystery, attraction.
Can women’s bodies changing in midlife get in the way of sex?
Big time. From your late 30s to 65 your body is guaranteed to change. Most women become insulin resistant and exercise simply isn’t enough to maintain their weight. And women feeling guilt [about their appearance], they often don’t want to talk about it. And if they don’t talk about it, they think ‘it’s my fault’.
So it’s important to talk about how body changes might make you feel?
Big time. Those are the vulnerable conversations that make intimacy possible. That way your partner understands and cares about your feelings about your body, where that comes from, and how you relate to yourself right now.
Can there be misunderstandings like you feel unattractive, but haven’t expressed that and he might not realise you feel that?
Completely. That’s usually the case. The number of misunderstandings actually outweigh the number of accurate detections. The frequency of accurate detection between a long-time couple is actually quite low, versus misunderstandings being high.
And you have a ‘love map’?
What I do with couples, is creating a love map. What turns her on, what turns him on, what makes her feel attractive? Maybe he thinks of her during the day and texts her what he respects or values about her. Maybe he comes up with a few things they could do on a date if that’s her love language. So priming. And then for a guy, he’s visual. A guy is turned on by a woman’s body parts anyway. They don’t have to be a certain shape or size. He’s going to be happy to have his partner naked or partly naked, like maybe wearing a pair of fancy undies. The woman might think there’s this bulge showing, or cellulite. But the guy oftentimes wants confidence. You say damn it, I’m hot enough. And if you don’t want it, you’re in the bed with the wrong person.
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