When you look ahead to sex in midlife, you might think of it as winding down. But what if you’ll actually be reaching a sexual peak? What if we care less about how our bodies look and more about how they can give us sexual pleasure? We’re examining all of this in our new series THE MIDLIFE PLEASURE RENAISSANCE, brought to you by Peaches and Cream, New Zealand’s place for pleasure! First off, Sarah Lang dives into the pure facts – that midlife is the time to embrace pleasure, rather than hide away from it. It’s just science! (And read on for some spicy little helper recommendations from Peaches and Cream to aid your journey!)
A friend I’ll call Liz is frank about talking about her sex life – and she’d love women out there to know her story. Now 47, she went through two years of perimenopause, but managed symptoms thanks to HRT [hormone replacement therapy], other hormonal treatments, lubricants, and a female boss who understood her needing to leave a meeting when she got a hot flash.
When Liz and her husband first met, they had sex every few days, then once a week. Over the years, that became about once a fortnight, then once a month. “Maybe half the time, I experienced clitoral orgasms which were pleasant but not incredible. I just figured I didn’t have much of a sex drive.” Her husband complained that she rarely initiated sex, and counted the days until she did, announcing the number of days passive aggressively. As problems developed in the marriage, they stopped having sex altogether. “We didn’t talk about it, but the silence surrounding it was loud.” Her husband wanted out and Liz found she agreed. They’re co-parenting their children, 11 and 9.
After menopause Liz found she did have a sex drive. She found herself very attracted to a colleague on a work trip. “It was visceral to the point I masturbated thinking about him. We hooked up twice and the sex was the best I’d ever had and then some. I’d only had clitoral orgasms before but these were vaginal orgasms and it felt like a thunderclap. I thought ‘wow, this is what is meant to feel like!’.” They decided it was best to remain colleagues and friends. Now Liz is casually dating and having a great time. “I do feel I’ve reached my sexual peak but I’d also love it if my peak lasts longer!”
What does she think has changed? “I used to be self-conscious about my body, and beat myself up for gaining a few kilos. After menopause, I thought ‘you know what? This is my body, I like it, and you can take it or leave it’.” She also finds it easier to express what she needs during sex.
“And if I meet someone, that’s great. But I’m not putting up with any man’s bullshit and I’m not going to settle for sub-par sex. In the meantime, I have my vibrator.”
A ‘sexual peak’?
There’s still this strong societal narrative that midlife is when your sexual life winds down (or even ends). So, some women contemplating the prospect (well, the certainty) of midlife and menopause might feel their sexual peak must have happened by now, and that it’s all downhill from there.
And yes, anticipating perimenopause can be a bit scary. Perimenopause is the transition phase before menopause, characterised by a drop in oestrogen and symptoms including hot flashes, mood swings, vaginal dryness and a reduced libido and problems orgasming. But these can be treated with the likes of HRT, other hormonal and nonhormonal treatments, and products including vaginal moisturisers and lubricants. Some women only have mild symptoms and others can get symptoms under control.
With that said, what if the societal narrative is not that accurate? What if some women’s sexual peak is actually in midlife?
It seems there’s no one biological age when you reach your sexual peak, so the better question is: why do many women have the best sex of their lives in midlife?
Well, for starters, a sexual peak isn’t all about all-consuming sexual urges and multiple orgasms. It’s more about feeling more comfortable in your body and more honest about what you want in the bedroom.
Award-winning writer Jackie Tempera has written a story for Woman’s Health called “When do women peak sexually? Here’s how your sex drive changes throughout life’. She writes that “men typically reach their so-called sexual peak in their early 20s, but women tend to reach the height of their sexuality in their 30s and levels of desire can continue to rise into their 50s, according to research”.
“A person’s ‘sexual peak’ is often associated not just with hormonal changes, but with the quality of the sex people are having. With that in mind, women’s sexual slow burn makes sense, both biologically and psychologically,” says Dr Holly Richmond. She’s an American psychologist, sex therapist, and marriage therapist.
The pope of menopause (what a title?!)
If anyone knows their stuff on this topic, it’s Dr Rachel Pope: an obstetrician/gynaecologist, Chief of Female Sexual Health at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, Chief Medical Officer & Co-Founder of MiM Menopause (heymim.com), co-author of Love, Sex and Menopause, and these are just some of her involvements.
Dr Pope has written an article called ‘Why Midlife May Be a Woman’s Sexual Prime’. “Research, lived experience, and countless stories from women point to the same thing,” she writes. “Many women report stronger desire, deeper pleasure, and more satisfying sex in midlife. That often includes perimenopause and menopause.”
Yes, some of the changes that come with perimenopause and menopause can put a damper on sex, she says, but there are many very good treatment options if women ask for help.
And she says menopause can actually improve sexual satisfaction. “The lack of periods and no more concerns about pregnancy can be liberating and reduce stress around intimacy. Some women experience increased libido simply for these reasons, but libido can also increase with menopause changes in general.”
Midlife can be a time of sexual freedom, she says. “Many women feel like they know themselves. They know what they want and they don’t settle for less than that. They may also have more time to spend on themselves than before.
“A sexual peak is not about constant arousal or performance. It is about feeling more at ease in your body and more honest about what you want.”
And more time for sex toys!
The pursuit of pleasure
Rachel Strevens, a sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator who runs The Passion Project, started having the best sex of her life in midlife, as well as her first proper orgasm in her 40s . After learning about her own body and pleasure, and qualifying as a sexologist, she now works with many midlife women to help them better understand female pleasure, orgasm and desire.
When we discuss whether many women experience a midlife sexual reawakening, Rachel says we first need to look through a certain lens. “Throughout history, women have often been shamed when it comes to sexual pleasure. Although you may not really think that’s still an issue, some of those underlying things can get stuck in your subconscious. Women often struggle to feel that they can go after that pleasure. But it’s becoming a bit more acceptable and normalised these days for us to talk about and accept female pleasure.”
Rachel says that, for a long time, there hasn’t been a lot of information about pleasurable sex for women in terms of clitoral stimulation, and what we need to orgasm. “So as women get older and we find out a bit more about our bodies and sexual needs, we can often find the words to help ask for those things with a partner.” Many women that she sees say they’re done with faking orgasms.
Rachel doesn’t think there’s a biological sexual peak that comes with being a certain age. Everyone is different, of course. For many women during perimenopause and menopause, she says, the drop in oestrogen and progesterone can mean a drop in sexual desire, she says. “But sometimes women’s testosterone is a bit higher than those hormones. And that means a higher sex drive for some women during that time.”
“But also, many women in midlife feel more confident in themselves, care a little less about what other people think, and finally put themselves first and seek out that sexual pleasure for themselves.”
Body confidence is one of the biggest things that stops women from really enjoying intimacy, she says. “When you don’t really give a shit anymore what people think about your body, and think ‘I’m just going to enjoy it for what it is’, that’s actually really refreshing and freeing for many women.”
“I think that’s why you sometimes see a ferocious, unstoppable, sexually demanding woman of that age, not really caring what others think and finally giving herself permission to seek sexual pleasure.”
Yes, Rachel has seen women who have left a long-term relationship and found a spark with somebody new or dating. “They’re coming back into it [intimacy] with more freedom and confidence. Two big things that lead to great sex are novelty and experimentation.” But you can also bring novelty and experimentation into a long-term relationship (look out for a story on that soon!).
So, whether you’re partnered up or single, when it comes to sex in midlife, you could actually look forward to what may, well, come!
Ready to embrace your own midlife pleasure renaissance? Whether you’re rediscovering intimacy with a partner or simply getting to know your own body better, these Peaches & Cream favourites are designed to help you explore pleasure with confidence at whatever stage of life you’re in.
LELO Enigma – For discovering what your body is capable of
If you’re ready to explore the next chapter of your pleasure journey, the LELO Enigma is one of the most innovative pleasure products available. Combining gentle sonic waves for external clitoral stimulation with an ergonomic internal arm that targets the G-spot, it’s designed to stimulate both areas simultaneously. It’s luxurious, beautifully made from premium body-safe silicone, and ideal for women who want to discover new sensations or experience blended orgasms.
Le Wand Classique Petite Wand Massager – Powerful pleasure in a petite package
Don’t let its size fool you. The Le Wand Classique Petite Wand Massager delivers the deep, rumbly vibrations wand massagers are famous for in a lighter, more manageable design. With multiple vibration speeds and patterns, it’s perfect whether you’re new to wand massagers or looking for something that’s easy to hold and manoeuvre. It’s cordless, shower-friendly and just as suited to solo exploration as it is to partnered intimacy.
Evolved Come With Me – A confidence-boosting first step
Sometimes the best pleasure product isn’t the most high-tech—it’s the one that helps you reconnect with your body. Come With Me by Evolved is designed to provide comfortable, approachable external stimulation, making it an excellent option for anyone beginning their pleasure journey or rediscovering it after a long break. It’s simple, unintimidating and a wonderful reminder that pleasure doesn’t have to be complicated.
JO AGAPĒ Original – Helping intimacy feel natural again
As our bodies change through perimenopause and menopause, comfort can become just as important as desire. JO AGAPĒ Original has been specially formulated to closely mimic a woman’s natural lubrication, creating an incredibly light, silky glide that helps intimacy feel effortless and enjoyable. Free from glycerin, glycol and parabens, it’s an excellent choice for women who are mindful of ingredients and want a lubricant that’s gentle enough for regular use. Compatible with all sex toys and easy to clean, it’s the perfect companion whether you’re reconnecting with yourself or sharing intimacy with a partner.