Girls Get Off Co-Founder Viv Conway comes to you from the sex toy trenches in this new column Getting Off, where no topic is off the table, no chat is taboo and everything is just a little unhinged. This week, we dive into naughty little tales from the work Christmas parties!
Warning: it’s adults-only chat ahead!
Christmas is basically breathing down our necks, and it’s a lot. Like a lot a lot. Honestly, I don’t even think there is a word to describe how much it really is.
Between the office Secret Santa, the school concerts where your kid is cast as “Tree #4,” and the nine million end-of-year drinks, it’s a miracle you’re even reading this, and I want you to know that I appreciate you. I cherish you. I want to buy you a prosecco.
But I can only send good vibes, so since your calendar already looks like a festive crime scene, I figured, why not add five minutes of pure, unfiltered chaos in the form of work Christmas party sex stories. The kind HR whispers about. The kind that makes you delete Slack from your phone until about mid-January.
Last month, we asked the Girls Get Off community for their most scandalous, “I cannot make eye contact with John from Accounts ever again” tales. We also asked how many of you have actually hooked up with a colleague at the Christmas do, or better yet, the boss.
A surprisingly low 26% of the 3,000+ responders owned up to it. It’s the kind of saintly restraint that the girls who say “just one rosé” bring to the table, and I, for one, do not understand it.
Fortunately, a further 26% of queens who got a spot on the naughty list delivered, so buckle up, grab a candy cane for emotional support, and prepare to learn exactly how unhinged December can get when you mix colleagues with festive cocktails.
Here are our favourite work Christmas party sex stories, you know, just in case you’re looking for inspiration this year.
The Greatest Christmas Gift: I hooked up with one of my managers at a work Christmas party. Naughty, naughty, I know, but also incredibly hot, right? So, the story starts in silly season, we worked at a pub (anyone from a pub background knows how insane those Christmas parties are!). He was the manager of the overall pub, and I was one of the chefs in the kitchen. After a sneaky hook up at the Christmas party, we couldn’t stay away from each other, we started secretly sleeping together afterwards (and ok, even at work sometimes, oops). After about six months, our coworkers started finding out. Thankfully, it didn’t change anything. We are now coming up ten years together, happily married!
Blacked out on Eggnog: I worked for a family business that was mainly men, I’m talking truckers and heavy machine operators, all aged 40+. For some reason, I decided it was a really good idea to get black out drunk at our Christmas work party hosted at the boss’s place. Not tipsy drunk, not pass out drunk, not even high on life drunk, but completely black out and being a menace drunk.
At one point, I took off all my clothes, kept jumping in the pool, refused to put clothes on, drank everyone’s drink (seriously, not even the eggnog was safe, and I hate eggnog), and I lap danced on some of the workers. Did I hook up with anyone? No, but I had one worker think that was going to happen; instead, I just yapped his ear off and outdrank him instead. The next morning, I woke up with hangxiety to top all hangxiety. As a good Christian woman, I decided that night would conclude my time attending Christmas work parties with the family business, and I left the year after. Talk about embarrassed.
Gifts from Santa: It’s the annual office Christmas party. The punch is spiked, the DJ is spinning Christmas hits, and everyone’s a little looser than they should be. Sarah from marketing is doing tequila shots off the copier. Tom from sales is tripping near the dessert table to “accidentally” feed chocolate to Emily the intern. Chairs wobble, drinks spill, glitter is everywhere. Total chaos.
Meanwhile… I, the receptionist, have been quietly keeping my distance, pretending to organise the raffle tickets, but really, I’ve been sneaking glances at Santa, who was hired for the party and roaming around with that too-cheerful grin. One thing leads to another, and I slip away from the main floor. Next thing anyone knows, someone walks in on the two of us bent over the conference table, Santa in full red suit, me in a slightly naked, scandalised disbelief, and it’s a moment frozen in time.
Back on the dance floor, Tom and Emily are tangled in their “romantic salsa,” glitter is in every drink, and someone, probably Steve from accounting, is filming everything like it’s a reality TV show. The copier is covered in chocolate and glitter. The bathroom door is mysteriously locked. The next day, HR tries to act like nothing happened, but everyone knows the truth. Photos and videos exist. Whispers swirl.
The CEO emails: “Thanks for a spirited holiday party! Let’s try for fewer HR violations next year.” And the legend of “Santa in the conference room” becomes the story everyone tells whenever anyone mentions the office Christmas party… forever.
Now go vote for your favourite in the comment section…. Just kidding. Or am I?
