Capsule x Netsafe
Online dating should be fun and exciting, but as we all know there’s always someone who ruins the vibe for the rest of us and stops us from having nice things LIKE LOVE. Take the power (and confidence) back with this guide to online dating – and hear from two Kiwi women who had close calls themselves and encourage you to trust your gut when it comes to meeting people online.
Tess* had had a day.
She’d just been to a boozy hens’ party and, as the only single gal there, was feeling a bit vulnies (darls we’ve all been there). So she whipped out her phone and, fuelled by a few glasses of bubbles, messaged a guy she’d been texting for a few weeks to catch up.
“He seemed ok, but I stupidly just wanted to feel a little bit loved for an evening and went home with him.
“The next day – when I was sober – I knew the guy was a bit off, so I messaged him that I wasn’t interested in continuing and wished him the best. I thought that would be the end of it.”
It wasn’t – instead, floods of messages began – because Tess had given this guy her number, he could text her directly. Then he began sending messages on the dating app, and he then found her on Snapchat – where he proceeded to bombard her with nudes.
“He also managed to track down my friend, ask for my last name and then try add me on Instagram and Facebook. He even found my personal email address – *cue stalker music* – and kept sending me messages,” she says. “He mentioned he knew where I lived, so straight away I went to the cops to share this information and my concern. They gave him a warning, with the next step being a restraining order should he contact me any further.”
Tess, like so many women, had had her first stalking experience, one that shook her to her core – and she massively regrets giving her date her real phone number. It’s not been her only frightening experience – she was also once catfished by a man who, not 10 minutes into the date, insulted her about her (very successful) career and then after the date, proceeded to bombard her with nasty messages calling her a ‘fat ugly bitch that deserves to be single forever’.
“He probably messaged me about 30-40 times within an hour or so with nasty comments. I got home, screenshotted one or two of the message and then blocked him and reported him to the app. I wish I’d blocked him after the first message, all the other messages coming through took a hit on my self-esteem for quite a while.”
Odds are, all of you reading this have experienced what it’s like to delve into a dating app (yes, even you smug “I’ve been with my partner since before the apps” peeps because you’re the FIRST people who love to get out the single gals’ phones and “have a play” at a party).
“He managed to track down my friend, ask for my last name and then try add me on Instagram and Facebook. He even found my personal email address – *cue stalker music* – and kept sending me messages. He mentioned he knew where I lived, so straight away I went to the cops to share this information and my concern. They gave him a warning, with the next step being a restraining order should he contact me any further.”
Tess*, a dating app user
Dating apps are now a normalised weapon in the battle against singledom and we all have pals who have met their lobster after a cute Bumble date turned into something ‘real’.
But for all the success stories there are cautionary tales like Tess’, as our normalisation of online dating apps leads us to lower our defences (and sure, sometimes make some *interesting* decisions) in the quest to find what we’re looking for in love.
But team, we need to work SMARTER, not harder, when it comes to your safety online, and with the rise of AI, the proliferation of scammers and, frankly, the huge confidence boost it takes to put yourself out there in the first place, there will always be those who prey on vulnerability.
Netsafe, New Zealand’s online safety organisation, has partnered with our pals at Bumble to try and help Kiwis looking for love stay safe by launching a new online dating safety guide that reminds us all of how to online date properly – and avoid situations like Tess’.
Says Brent Carey, CEO of Netsafe, “Online dating should be fun, but we all know it can come with its fair share of cringe moments. Whether it’s a ghoster, a cat fisher, or someone who just doesn’t take no for an answer, knowing how to handle an online dating situation is key. That’s why we’ve teamed up with Bumble to create a guide that is about practical advice to help folks date safely and confidently. Because at the end of the day, you deserve to focus on finding the right person, not wasting your time and worrying about the wrong ones.”
I mean, Amen, Brent. As we know from our last yarn with Bumble, 72% of users are looking to find long-term love this year (FANTASTIC odds if you are too?!). The vibes are high and optimisim is back – so how can you utulise this for your own dating game, and what does the guide tell us? Here are some key takeaways (and you can read the entire guide here.)
- Make sure it’s a reputable app – the safe ones will have good usability, safety features and overall values (Bumble, for example, has photo verification to prevent catfishes and adds an extra layer of confidence).
- Get set up properly – for the love of all that is holy, turn on two-factor authentication. Yes it can be a pain the ass if you forget your password but it is WORTH IT. When you’re choosing your profile pics, don’t have any identifiable things on the shot like work lanyards or your kids’ schools. Also, just make it of yourself – no one wants to be guessing which person you are (and guys, come on, put the damn fish down).
- Think of filters like you would when you’re searching for that perfect dress when you’re online shopping – be SPECIFIC and only look for the ones that’ll fit! Distance, age, gender and interests help you narrow down all those fishies in the sea to the one you actually want to catch. And remember, don’t take rejections or mismatches personally – it’s literally not you. If you feel your vibe starting to falter, take a break (Bumble, for example, has a snooze mode).
- When you do connect and you want to start chatting, do not take any crap, just because it’s online. If someone’s behaviour makes you feel icky or annoyed, block them straight away -and as Tess says, do not give anyone your number until you’ve been on a few dates! You can also contact Netsafe for free, confidential advice. Trust your gut, be vigilant – and if someone asks you questions about your first pet, or the street you grew up on, RUN if you want to keep your money in your bank account.
- And when you meet in person, be smart – tell someone where you’re going, meet in a public place that you’ve chosen, and organise your own transport.
ABOVE ALL ELSE, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Anna* says that trusting her gut saved her from a potential financial and emotional disaster when she found herself on a date with a man who would eventually be dubbed ‘the sweetheart scammer’ by a national media outlet, when women he’d met via dating apps banded together to warn other wahine to steer clear (we couldn’t love that any more!).
“We had a few fun nights out [after connecting via app] but he got WAY too intense and was in contact all the time… turns out he’d used apps to meet women, then use them for free rent, cars and money. He went to jail and then changed his name when he got out… I was driven around in another woman’s car and taken to dinner with cash he’d “borrowed” from another!”
Anna later found out he was a convicted fraudster, and had more than 70 convictions for fraud, theft and taking pecuniary advantage. She escaped with no ill effects, however, she urges caution to other women, and for them to “trust their gut” if they have suspicions.
And as for Tess, despite her past experiences, she’s excited to hit the apps again this year.
“I’m still single after all these years and go long periods without going on the apps. I’m an absolute extrovert but still get some PTSD and very nervous when I go on dates these days because of the five or so dates that have been awful. But it’s important to get back out there, so hopefully 2025 is the last year I’ll ever need the apps!”
 back with this guide to online dating safety – and hear from two Kiwi women who had close calls themselves){kind=link}