When does sharing cross the line to oversharing? Sarah Lang explores whether or not she’s an oversharer
Trigger warning: gut symptoms
“This is Sarah Lang, North & South’s Michael Mosley correspondent who wrote about her gut problems and her fetid farts.”
Excuse me?
Someone actually said the above to introduce me when I was about to walk onstage to interview Dr Michael Mosley (RIP) about his new book.
I was mortified, but brushed it off with a joke. However, why was I embarrassed when I’d literally written about this? Well, I feel I’m the only person who should share or overshare about myself! And there’s a difference between writing about such a thing on your laptop in an empty room, and looking at the wide-eyed expressions of people who’ve just been told about your flatulence.
I apologise if this is TMI!
In writing
I’m in a privileged position where, for certain stories, I can write about my experiences. But I hope I know what isn’t interesting, or when not to overshare?
Here are some personal things I’ve shared. My former eating disorder. Being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). My childhood growing up on a self-sufficient property intended to withstand a nuclear winter. Mindfulness meditation. Conquering perfectionism. Making and breaking friendships. Turning despair over my newsfeed into positive action. My decision to wear less (often no) makeup. Ageing out of ‘pretty privilege’. The kindness of strangers when I had a panic attack at an airport. Deciding to have only one child. Why I’m f***ing done with working-mum guilt. Why I’m f***ing done with reality-TV dating shows (Yes, I swear when appropriate.) I’m sure there are more.
I’ve also written anonymously if something feels too exposing or someone could potentially be identifiable. And there are big things I’ve never shared because the cons outweigh the pros or they’re too darn hard to write about. Plus I’ve got to save some material for my therapist!
Sarah Lang
For me, sharing things in writing is generally easier than talking about them – partly because I get to ‘say’ things exactly how I want. It’s also because I experience my sharing ‘at a remove’ – when I write it, you’re not reading it yet – and I don’t have to see your facial expression or body language. So I don’t have that ‘litmus test’.
When I do share, I think of it as drawing on life experiences to connect with readers. If something resonates, great. If it’s of use in some way – for example, my experience of a (former) eating disorder or a (current) digestive disorder – that’s a good thing, right? If someone thinks ‘gosh why would she reveal that?’ or ‘that is TMI’, that’s fine with me. I know you can just close the tab!
Now, at my next social event will I start disclosing such details to strangers or acquaintances? I mean, no – not unless there’s a good reason, or something just came up.
Dang, have I just overshared about oversharing? I asked my boss Kelly, who told me, “there’s no such thing as oversharing at Capsule”.
Where’s the line?
Sharing personal things has become much more socially acceptable than it once was – and I think that’s generally a good thing (especially given we didn’t always talk about periods, perimenopause or puberty).
But what constitutes oversharing? Kate*, an acquaintance, tells me that “I often obsess about oversharing, and I don’t think I’m very objective about knowing if I do it or not. I talk a lot, and as much as I really try to limit that, I’m not always successful.”
In a forbes.com article, psychologist Dr Mark Travers says that “oversharing refers to disclosing an excessive or inappropriate amount of personal information, especially in contexts where such information is unexpected or unwarranted. This occurs both online and offline, often creating discomfort or awkwardness for those receiving the information and sometimes regret for the oversharer.”
So what is ‘excessive’ and what is acceptably authentic? The only real answer is “it depends”: on the person you are, and on your relationship with the person (or people) you’re talking to. Colleagues and acquaintances tend to be the people where we wonder ‘how much should we say?’. But also friends (particularly if you’re not super close) may not want to know everything – and, TBH, neither do all family members. (Ever heard TMI about a family member’s sex life?)
In the article ‘There Is A Clear Line Between Oversharing And Being Authentic – Here’s How To Avoid Crossing It’, author Amy Morin writes that “the difference between being authentic and oversharing stems from your intentions. If you share your mistakes in an effort to help others learn, you are being authentic. If, however, you share your hardships to gain pity, you’re oversharing.” And, Amy adds, “authentic people build relationships first. Over-sharers blurt out personal information in an attempt to gain a sense of intimacy, without building trust.”
In Psychology Today story ‘The Real Danger of Oversharing’, author and podcaster Polly Campbell gives her take. “Personal disclosures spark a heightened emotional response. This can feel invigorating – as though we are connecting – and the more excited we become, the more we talk, the more our filters drop away and the more likely we are to overshare, according to Carnegie Mellon researchers Erin Carbone and George Lowenstein. Later, the negative feelings and repercussions set in. Yet, despite the awkwardness that comes with oversharing, it can be hard for us to avoid. Oversharing, say the researchers, might just be part of a primitive search engine.”
How so? Well, our hunter-gatherer ancestors needed to share personal experiences to help other tribe members, and thus get their share of food and shelter. So we’re hardwired to feel that sharing is good, but our wiring may not tell us when it’s TMI.
Reading the room
“Read the room” is a good phrase to keep in mind for future conversations, both in general terms – and, as in, literally, where are you? Perhaps think twice if you’re at work. There’s the risk of a third party (maybe even your boss) finding out something you’ve disclosed, and the risk of compromising someone’s else’s privacy.
We can also look back on past conversations. If you worry you shared too much, you probably did (unless you work at Capsule in which case, you didn’t). Did the other person seem to find it awkward at all? Would you find it awkward if that person told you a similar thing?
Also, who knew that anxiety could make you more, not less, likely to overshare? Aforementioned psychologist Mark Travers writes that “research shows that for those with social anxiety, social interaction can be draining due to the process of using up mental resources to manage anxiety and avoid social rejection. This leads to a lack of resources to engage in self-control, leading to uninhibited sharing.” This initially surprised me, but it actually makes sense, right?
And social media?
How does social media affect sharing and oversharing? Dr Travers writes that “gaining social validation through likes and comments can be powerful motivators, affirming the human needs for connection and approval”.
However, when you post on social media, you’re largely divorced from people’s reactions. ‘Likes’ don’t necessarily mean people are totally comfortable with what they’ve learned.
A litmus test: if you bumped into a Facebook friend or an X (Twitter) follower in real life, would you feel comfortable with what they know about you – or feel they know a little too much?
Being authentic
Look, I’m ABSOLUTELY not suggesting we overly ‘self-edit’ (and not just because that would be very hypocritical coming from me). Being authentic is important, especially in person. The act of sharing validates the importance and meaning of your experiences. It can also have a positive impact on others, help you connect with people, and help form and deepen friendships. For instance, perhaps you and a new friend have a similar health issue, but neither of you have mentioned it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to tell my barista about my SIBO (Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth) when he asks how I’m doing. (Whoops, I wasn’t going to go there!)
My friend Kate says she’s a “total oversharer” about herself (not about others). “Just this morning at work I coached myself ‘don’t tell anyone!’, then as soon as the topic came up, there I am, oversharing!”
“I think I have pretty good social judgement though, so usually the impact is positive – people feel endeared or closer, or we all have a laugh together. I’m a pretty open, honest person, and I much prefer deeper conversations, so usually my oversharing facilitates this.”
After saying this, Kate read the article ‘The Real Danger of Oversharing’ and had a rethink. “I do talk openly about intimate stuff, but only when appropriate, rather than making people feel awkward. I think rather than being an ‘oversharer’, I move through life with authenticity.”
