At this time of year, many young people leave the ‘nest’. Are some of us experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome or nervous about experiencing it when the time comes? Should we be careful of using the word ‘syndrome’? How might we deal with difficult emotions? And could this transition open up exciting possibilities?

Kim, whose 18-year-old son has just left home to move to a new city and into a flat, chokes up talking about it. “I wasn’t prepared for how difficult and, honestly, distressing this would be for me. Partly because he’s an only child. Our bond is so tight.”

Kim’s husband (her son’s father, who is doing fine) reminds her that this is a necessary life transition. Kim logically knows this, but that doesn’t make it any easier. “I didn’t want my son to feel bad, so I put on a brave face when he left. Then I cried for a week. Without his drum set, and his loud voice, the house feels too silent.” She asked him to phone every few days, which he has, and they’re texting too.

Does she feel grief? “Absolutely. I’m shocked at how intense it is. Not to be dramatic or anything, but it feels almost like a death. Maybe a death of my identity? My identity has been tied up in being a mum. I still have my career, my husband and my friends but I can’t help thinking ‘now what?’”

Kim isn’t the only one dealing with an empty nest at this time of year, when many young people are leaving home to go to university, a job, an apprenticeship, or other training.

Grief and excitement

Bridgette Jackson – relationship coach, divorce coach and founder of Equal Exes – has four children aged 23, 21, 19 and 16. She was a solo parent for most of their lives, and her youngest recently left home.

“For me, empty nesting started years before the house was actually empty,” Bridgette says. “I was grieving before they left. There would be moments that would really hit me, as I realised that this phase was nearly over.”

“During the days leading up to each of them leaving, the growing sense of significant change grew heavier.”

The departure of each was different in terms of the range of emotions. “The first one was really difficult, because of the realisation that life was changing. Frequently, I’d be looking in his room and he’s sitting there and I’m thinking ‘oh god, he’s not going to be there soon’.” When he left she had a big cry.

In a way, an ‘empty nest’ has challenged her sense of identity. “I built my life around my kids for 23 years.” But she also feels excitement for them starting a new chapter in their lives. And excitement for her own life. “It really does feel like a new chapter for me.”

Bridgette and her partner spend their time between Auckland and Melbourne. His two children moved to Australia; meanwhile, Bridgette has a daughter in Brisbane, and her two sons are moving to Australia this year. “Actually currently, 13 members of my immediate family live in Melbourne. My brothers married Irish sisters. So between the three of us, we’ve got 12 children.” Her dad, who has motor neurone disease, and helped her through her divorce, lives in Melbourne and she wants to be there for him.

So yes, she’s closer to family when she’s in Melbourne, but it’s still a new chapter – just one without as many groceries or as much laundry.

Bridgette had long experienced ‘mum guilt’. “I did wonder if I’d worked too much, if they’d felt supported enough. But once the house was empty, I felt my guilt change shape. I had the space to look back and reflect about motherhood. I thought ‘was I a good enough mum?’.” And now she knows she was. “My kids are independent and very self-sufficient. They’ve grown up with a single parent – me – and that’s been tough on all of us but they have matured well and I’m proud of that.”

An empty nest feels freeing in a way. “Now I’m actually able to put myself first. The decluttering for one! And the washing machine isn’t on every day. The great thing is that the house has become quieter … in between visits and stays!”

As Bridgette’s finding, a parent forges a new dynamic with a son or daughter who has flown the nest. “My belief is it brings you closer. The parenting never stops, it just morphs into a different form.” There’s almost more of a friendship there. “They’re always ending a conversation or a text with, ‘love you, mum’.”

She doesn’t see this as Empty Nest Syndrome. “It’s a life transition. I think that’s better than calling it an emptiness transition.”

Is it a syndrome?

What exactly is Empty Nest Syndrome? A Cleveland Clinic story says it’s “the complicated tangle of feelings parents experience when their children move out of the family home and begin their adult lives”.

The story quotes psychologist Dr Adam Borland, who says empty nest syndrome is very common. “A large part of one’s identity often becomes defined by their role as a parent. And suddenly, there’s this recognition that a significant change is about to occur, that time has flown really quickly. It’s OK to feel a sense of loss and uncertainty during this period of transition.”

Dr Borland says parents may experience some of the following feelings: fear, grief, sadness, guilt, stress, loneliness, irritability, emptiness, powerlessness, rejection, and apathy. But empty nest syndrome isn’t a diagnosis or disorder (though if you’re experiencing anxiety and depression that interferes with your daily life, please see a medical professional).

Here are Dr Borland’s suggestions for adjusting to the transition:

• Prepare yourself for them still needing you, just in a different way.
• Celebrate what you’ve accomplished – raising someone mature and confident enough to live independently.
• Let your child and other family members know you’re going to miss your child, and it will be a transition for you).But don’t guilt your child (it’s OK to let them know how you feel but not OK to make them responsible for fixing it).
• If you have a partner, respect how they feel about or are dealing with it.
• Reframe the situation. Your nest isn’t empty, it’s being renovated!

Paula also has an empty nest. “But I feel adding ‘syndrome’ to the term ‘empty nest’ dangerously pathologises it. I had a few people – not parents – mention this when my child was a teenager. It was one of a number of things that caused me to both disconnect emotionally from my offspring a little too much too soon, and rush into new plans so that the next phase of my life would be full.” Plus boomerang kids are a thing. “I think with modern housing costs, educational needs, precarity and more open, respectful parent-child relationships, it’s better to see the adolescent-to-adulthood phase as a period of comings and goings.

Dr Jeffrey J. Arnett is the world’s foremost authority on the age period between 18 to 29, which he named ‘emerging adulthood’. Also, his twins left home a few years ago. In a story, he recounts how the term Empty Nest Syndrome came to be. “The term was first proposed back in 1914 to describe the slide into depression that supposedly occurred for women after their last child left home and they were stripped of the daily meaning and structure of the motherhood role.” (Reader, it must have been harder on women who didn’t have careers.)

“As sometimes happens in psychological research,” he adds, “this idea struck some kind of cultural chord and became widely popular, even though there was no real evidence that this was a common experience. When research finally accumulated on this topic, in the 1970s, the ‘syndrome’ was mostly debunked. Most people, dads as well as moms, reported experiencing a sense of relief and freedom when their last kid left home, even as they also had some feelings of loss and sadness.”

People might also experience excitement for themselves (not just their kids). Maybe it frees up time and money for travel, hobbies, volunteering, seeing friends, or strengthening your relationship with a partner if you have one. Perhaps it’s a good time to change careers or where you live.

What might help?

A WebMD story has suggestions to help prepare for and deal with the transition, including:

• Accept your feelings are normal.
• Take up a new hobby or one you’ve put on hold.
• Brainstorm new interests you’d like to explore.
• Take a class you’re interested in.
• Volunteer for a cause you care about.
• Make a list of your current roles besides being a parent. This could include spouse, sibling, child, friend, employee, and volunteer. Think about which of those roles you’d like to expand.
• Realise your role as a parent has changed shape but will continue.