We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – 10 weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, just 10 weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here to read it now! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here, 12 weeks here, 14 weeks here , 16 weeks here, 18 weeks here and last week’s 20 weeks, here.
Happy five months Coco!
I can’t believe we are at the five-month mark, team. And I say team because a lot of you have been walking this journey with me since I was 16 weeks pregnant, and the love, advice, and kindness you have poured into us has been overwhelming in the very best way.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge Mother’s Day. I feel a mix of emotions this week, so I am sure this will be classically unhinged and contradictory as always. But starting with Mother’s Day, I understand the day can feel heavy for some who are on a journey wanting to be a mum or who have a complex relationship with their own mothers. For others, it’s a feeling of joy and acknowledgement, and for some it’s a non event.
I feel less excited about it being my first Mother’s Day and more weighed down by the amazingness of mums who are not recognised enough, including my own mum and friends who are mums, for the amount of work they are doing. I am equal parts amazed and in awe, and sad that I am also guilty of taking so much for granted. I saw a reel that said a dad’s work has a clock-in and clock-out time and a mother’s work is never done. Whilst again, I know that is a gross blanket statement, it does feel very true.
Now that I am a mum, I see with even more clarity the planning, the cleaning, the emotional regulation, the entertainment, etc, that mothers are constantly doing. And for most, happy to do so, but it is a lot. So on behalf of all of us who didn’t see the “work” you were all doing in such clarity before, thank you from all of us.
It brings tears to my eyes when I think about Miss Coco and how happy I am that I get to be on this journey as a mum. I spent a lot of days after the loss of Baby Blueberry thinking that might have been my only chance to be a mum in this way. I have never said that I am grateful for my miscarriage because I don’t feel that way, but I am grateful for the empathy it has awarded me and how it has coloured this motherhood journey with more gratitude than perhaps I would have had otherwise.
On that note, I felt a little odd this week hitting the five-month milestone and also having our first chat about solids and allergens at our Plunket meeting. I found myself having quite selfish thoughts. I don’t want her to grow up. I like that she is dependent on me and me feeding her. Now I am sharing this because obviously I will feed my baby solids and want her to grow to be an amazing, independent, kick ass lady. But in this moment, I didn’t realise how much I have enjoyed her dependence on me, and as she grows that dependence will shift, as it’s supposed to naturally, but I wasn’t expecting to have emotions about it. Purely selfish emotions.
I think there is something in me that really enjoys when people or pets depend on me. It gives me some external validation that I am needed, I guess, and that gives me self worth. So when thinking about solids and my baby growing, I was hit with this wave of emotion I am sure mums across the board feel in some way during those big milestones like going to school, sleeping over somewhere else, etc, that I never understood. Now I get it, and God, it’s such a big feeling of both joy and sadness at the closing of a chapter. Perhaps part of it is also the fear element of food, the choking, the allergens, etc, that also felt quite scary rather than exciting when the conversation came up. If you have any tips for us to navigate this step, possibly in the next month or so, please send them my way. I clearly feel a little anxious about it.
We also had her five month shots yesterday, which resulted in me having to hold Coco down as she was quite distressed, a memory I would gladly like to rid my brain of, to be honest. Poor poppet. Thank you to the mums who suggested holding off feeding her so she can have a big drink and comfort after the shots that really helped. And nice to know we are not due back to have more till she is one.
Time for the juicy stuff haha. Update on the prolapse. I am still experiencing a lot of urgency when I need to poop. I was advised to purchase a douche from a sex toy store. Apparently they have longer tube attachments to try flush out my butt in case, because of the prolapse, something might be a little stuck in there also causing pressure. Yay, stuck poop. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any hotter… I purchased something called Mr Play Anal Douche, mainly because the name sounded fun and it was the only one that didn’t look super phallic, haha. Given I’m not using it for a sexy reason, I kind of didn’t want anything that looked like a big willy going in my butt, given I feel anything but sexual at the moment. More on that next update, as I do feel Tom and I have a bit of work to do in that space as we feel like that classic ships in a night situation at times.
I have made some effort this week to get my physical self back on track. I have been quite happy and comfortable actually wearing nothing but PJs, no makeup, and leaning into the “letting myself go” season. But last week I actually felt quite gross and felt like maybe taking a little more pride in myself, whilst not necessary, might improve my own self worth a little. I have hairy nipples and I’m so dry all over, I just kind of felt like the ship had sailed and feeling hot would be a future Kim problem. But I figured I would, in the spirit of Mother’s Day, treat myself to a few feel good things. I got my nails done and organised Mikayla from Bodymindhealthcare to come to the house to do some reiki and spinal flow work with me to maybe help shift some of the energy around my prolapse.
This might sound a little too woo woo for some, but stay with me for a moment. During my fertility journey I did a lot of work connecting to the body. I hated my body in many ways because it wasn’t “doing what it was designed to do”, as in getting pregnant. Working with a few different teachers and healers to shift that negative energy and help create a safe and more nurturing space for a baby to grow really helped me. I felt the same logic could possibly be applied when working with my prolapse. Yes, I have a birth injury and physically need to build my pelvic floor strength. But it is also not lost on me that digestive issues are not just joining the chat. There has been some underlying worry there for some time and this has exacerbated it. So why not be open to exploring whether there is some work I can do emotionally and spiritually to shift some of the yuck vibes I am having internally?
Those who prescribe to reiki or contact care usually swear by it, and I really enjoyed my session and have booked in another. I think it was funny that actually off the back of this, and a therapy session with Gwensoline Smith this week, a few things came up that were symptoms of the old Kim, pre pregnancy, that have snuck back in during this journey of motherhood. I have in some ways reverted back to behaviours and mindset patterns that I was able to shift in pregnancy but have had a resurgence, most likely due to fatigue in recent weeks. An influx of negative self talk. So the consensus is that I need to find more time to rest and digest. How? Well, that I am also not 100% sure on, but I need to pivot in some ways or I will, like us all, run into burnout. I need to remember that I don’t get an award for being the busiest new mum, and that it’s also something I don’t and shouldn’t be striving for. My addiction to success is still alive and well, it seems, so finding moments to reflect and regulate will be the goal in the next few weeks.
Probably the most inappropriate pivot… now let me tell you about my new business venture hahaha.
It’s been bubbling away for a while. After thinking I would breathe my baby into the world like some kind of ethereal goddess, life had a slightly spicier narrative in mind.
A 3A tear, an episiotomy, and now a double prolapse.
Consider me humbled, but also deeply inspired.
Because this chapter has opened my eyes even wider to what so many women quietly navigate in their postpartum recovery. The physical healing. The emotional processing. The parts we don’t talk about enough.
It’s also what makes me so proud to now be part of the Vital Bits team.
I was a fan and a consumer of their products long before joining them, but more than that, I believe in their ethos. Supporting women when they need it most, in some of the most vulnerable and under supported moments of their lives.
My postpartum journey has now, in many ways, pivoted into a prolapse recovery journey, and I’m still using so many of the products that supported me in those early days.
I’m incredibly proud to be working alongside a brand that is genuinely committed to helping women feel supported, informed, and less alone. And I’m equally committed to showing up for women in this space, sharing honestly, and hopefully helping others feel a little more seen in their own journey. I want to join the many women in the space who are working to make postpartum care products available to women who need them. Yes, there are ecommerce options available, but there were times where I needed things right now. My goal, and I would love some help with this, is to make these available in many places. I am now using the products on my prolapse journey and without them I honestly, well one, would smell bad, but two, would have even more anxiety when it comes to my incontinence.
I have never stepped into the product space before and I understand it is a tough time right now, but when a door closes I always look for a window and feel that together, as I would love your help, we can make things better for those who walk the path next. (if you have any experice in getting products in stores please hold my hand or share your journey with me)
As I am about to hit send on this, miss coco sat un assisted fro about three seconds. Something we have been working on.
Thank you all for joining me on this journey. Coco and I feel so lucky to be so held and supported by you all. Motherhood is more magical and harder than I ever imagined because I want to do a great job. I see the world so differently now and on this Mother’s Day I want to acknowledge all women and how freaking awesome they are. Including those who fill the very important roles of aunty, friend, step mum, godmother, and guardian, I see you and all you do to hold what feels like freaking everything together. Thank you from Miss Coco and I.
x
