Pretty Postpartum with Kim Crossman: ‘Stretched, Thriving … and Now My Lady Bits Are Lifting Weights’

We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – 10 weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, just 10 weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.

Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here to read it now! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here, 12 weeks here, and 14 weeks here.

Now, Kim is sharing the latest piece of her story – Coco is 16 weeks and Kim is finishing up a one-month stint alone in LA with her, while Tom – her husband – has been working. Kim reflects on perfectionism, sleep, stillness… and weight training her fanny…

Firstly, a thank you again for the love and support of myself and Miss Coco on this journey. It feels very timely and poetic to be writing this today as we prepare to head back to New Zealand, marking the end of a month of solo parenting with Coco in LA.

Motherhood has truly stretched me… and now, quite literally, my fanny is about to start weight training. Every week I find myself more and more humbled, and I do seem to be coping with it primarily through humour, which, for now, is working.

I got told this week I was giving “second child mum energy,” which, as someone who is working to project ‘cool, calm, and collected’, but feels ‘neurotic and full of self doubt’ internally, I am going to take as a compliment and absolutely dine out on it. I guess growing up in showbiz, there is something to be said for the ‘fake it till you make it’ energy. Although we all pride ourselves on authenticity, tricking your brain or reframing any scenario is a powerful tool, I must admit.

Another two weeks of solo parenting in a different country, clocking me up to a full month of Kim and Coco time, and I must first address the elephant in the room for anyone who follows me on socials. After sharing that I was proud of myself for overcoming my own fears and doubts and doing better than I thought at solo parenting, I was met with a few nasty comments from full-time solo mums.

So, let me first start by saying I 100 percent know that people are doing motherhood with more struggles than I am. Secondly, I am in awe of any mum, no matter their situation. Thirdly, I think “difficult” is an individual spectrum. And fourth, if anything I say or do is tone deaf or missing the mark, I hope you all know by now that my DMs are always open. I am always eager to learn and to adjust. I am in no way concrete in anything or any belief, and I want to be challenged. I never want to be putting out content that is disrespectful.

I will also say that commenting hateful things anywhere at any time is a bit of a low blow, but I also understand that is the internet. Please know I am always reachable and open to a dialogue, especially if I have unintentionally triggered anyone in some sort of way. Let’s talk about it.

Okay, now we have the house cleaning out of the way, let’s dive into the juicy goss from the last two weeks. I feel I have stumbled upon the next faux pas subject now that Coco is 16 weeks (crying), and that is sleep training.

I am dipping my toe in and understand there are many schools of thought, and depending on what did or didn’t work for you, you will likely sit somewhere on that spectrum. Here is the thing: we actually have a system that is working for us, but that is because I do not have or need a regimented schedule in my life right now. It has just been Coco and me, so whether it is 7pm or 9pm that she starts her “big sleep” for the night, it has not been any kind of issue for me.

Will that be different when I fly home and am back in family land, where dinner is an event and I have other people to align with? Maybe. But for now, we are being a bit more free flowing. If it takes an hour for her to really go to sleep after a bath and a rock, I have been okay with that.

Some nights we are thriving, some nights we are vibing, and some nights we are surviving with a boob out and no sense of time.

Should I cement things more now to avoid trouble down the line, or is it actually okay to just flow for a bit? It is hard when I see reels about “your baby thrives on a set routine” and also reels about “read the baby cues.”

It is also interesting how I have been reflecting on what I thought I would be like as a mother and how I am actually showing up. I was all in on the ‘cry it out’ method before Miss Coco was born. I had seen it work well for friends and family. However, now that I am in the hot seat, it makes my insides curdle if I do not respond to her whimpers, let alone a full meltdown. I do not think I am built to be able to do that. Is that okay? Will she ever learn to self settle, or is that not that important either?

It is hard to know sometimes if I am doing things for me and my comfort or for Miss Coco. Personally, I adore a contact nap. She will sleep on me for two hours at a time versus independent naps, which do not last longer than 30 minutes. We are doing a little bit of both, but I cannot ignore that when she is sleeping on me, like when my cats or dogs sleep on me, I feel like the luckiest human on the planet. That you can make something outside of yourself feel so safe and calm that they can simply sleep.

What our nights currently look like is that we both go to sleep at the same time. She sleeps in the bedside co sleeper. I hear her stir, feed her, she goes back to sleep immediately, and we repeat this a few times in the night. We both wake for the day around 10 hours after we initially went to sleep. That works well for us. Do I need to intervene, or does that come when that setup no longer works for one or both of us?

I would love to hear what worked for you, what you did, or how you navigated this space. No judgment. It really helps to know what mums who have walked this path before me have done. Every mum and every baby is different, so sharing lots of different ways is so insightful and helpful.

I know it can feel challenging when things are different to how you would want to do things or did do things. We are all just figuring it out as we go, and when you are not sure yourself or you do not trust your instincts, things can feel overwhelming too.

I took time this week to reflect on what it has felt like to be completely cracked open. I met with a pregnant friend, Jess, who is due to give birth in about a month. It feels like a world away from when I was prepping to meet Miss Coco, and I feel like a completely different human. I see everything so differently. It is almost like a complete departure from who I was.

I had to tell a story for something acting related on Zoom, and I cannot even remember what I talked about before I talked about Coco (or my prolapse, haha). It is almost as if what I used to care about or worry about seems so trivial and immature now. I don’t find anything else as interesting to be honest. 

I am yet to feel any mourning for my past self, and I know some mums do. I think I feel more like I am trying to set a north star on becoming Kim 2.0 rather than any kind of regression. I would love to know how anyone navigated staying in that mindset. When your capacity is less overall and you are moving in all aspects at a slower pace, embracing that can be a challenge, especially for us overachieving types.

In talking to some other mums with older children, the conversation came up about how our children are sent to test us or meet us toe-to-toe in some area of life that forces us to stretch in ways that might be inherently uncomfortable. I walked around thinking about how I anticipate Miss Coco is stretching me, and I think it is in patience and presence.

I have to admit I have always struggled to just be. Stillness has always been very uncomfortable for me and a big part of my mental health journey. Like many who have experienced depression and anxiety, we are often more comfortable marinating on the past or obsessing and preparing for the future. That is where we live.

One of the reasons I have an addiction to improvising and acting is because the moments between action and cut are when I am actually fully present and truly living in the now. And I love it, but it does require those conditions for me to do it.

Part of my mum guilt with Coco is that I am sometimes trying to be present, but I also feel like my brain and I are battling. My heart wants to be in the moment, and my head is already two steps ahead making to do lists or guilting me for even feeling aware that I am not present when I am actively trying to be present.

Perhaps only the other type As reading will relate. But I do think that is what Coco is teaching me. Like she is some wise little willow tree, gently reminding me to slow down, take a breath, and that it is not a race.

I am working on having grace with myself too, but that in itself is a challenge. I not only want to be a good mum, I want to be the best mum. She deserves the best of me, and that is where I get tripped up, I think. Crying.

I have struggled with perfectionism in many areas of life, and I think the expectations I have on myself as a mum sometimes need adjusting. But also maybe that is the lesson of motherhood. We are all doing our best and trying our best, and it almost always feels like we could, should, or want to do better. Perhaps that is also the sign of a good mum?

My confidence in the past two weeks has, in many ways, skyrocketed. We even went to Disneyland alone. We met friends there, but we navigated a long drive, lines, security, trams, car parks, and thrived at Coco’s first concert ever. Bluey. It was perfect.

I made a few jokes online about both of us travelling with a diaper bag (which we do), which brings me to the juicy topic of prolapse.

From what I learned from Instagram this week, many people are dealing with prolapse or the long term effects of it, based on my DMs. I thought I would share what I am experiencing and my plan of action. By all means, if you have walked this path or have any advice, please do reach out so I can also share it with anyone else going through the same thing.

I first had an inkling something was not quite right about 10 weeks ago when it felt like I had a constant downward pressure. Essentially, it felt like I needed to go to the toilet all the time. I also do not have the control to hold in a fart or any pinching ability and often need to go to the loo with urgency. Sorry for the TMI, but I feel it is important to share my symptoms so if you are experiencing any of this, you can get yourself checked out.

I was referred to a specialist, after my OB said very sweetly that my butt now falls outside his jurisdiction. Thanks to having a birth injury recorded, I was able to get some ACC subsidy on my appointment, which is great. I had an episiotomy and a 3A tear from Coco’s forceps delivery, so these side effects are somewhat normal apparently.

The plan of action: I have mentioned my pelvic floor exercises before, but I do feel like my progress has stagnated, meaning I am still experiencing leaking when I am doing pretty normal activities and severe urgency if I need to poop. I am going to get a follow up check up, and Haley from OsteOH, who I adore, has sent me a link to get some pelvic floor weights.

They look suspiciously like sex toys, haha, and I am not entirely sure how they work. I am assuming you put them inside you and have to hold them in place? They come in varying weights, so perhaps you work your way up once your flaps are at bodybuilder status. Buff fanny era pending.

Also, for anyone dealing with prolapse or anything similar, I have found two things that have genuinely helped me day to day. I will link them here. One is the best disposable underwear I have tried, and the other is a peri bottle that is elite. I have tried a lot, trust me. When you are in the trenches, these little things make a big difference.

Anyway, that is where I am at this week.

If there is one thing I am learning, it is that we are all just figuring it out in our own way, in our own time, and what works one week might completely change the next.

Please do reach out and share in my DMs. I am always so grateful to connect, to learn, and to hear what this journey has looked like for you.

Much love, 

Kim and Coco