We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – 10 weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, just 10 weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here to read it now! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here and 12 weeks here.
Now, Kim is sharing the latest piece of her story – riding solo for two weeks. With Tom away for work, Kim’s been on her own with Coco for the first time… there’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, but she has some fab updates to share.
I have some good news to share. I was, in all honesty, petrified of being a solo mum in LA for a few weeks, after being surrounded by family (lots of family!) for the first 10 weeks of Coco’s life and then it being Tom and I for the two weeks after in LA together. For the first time I was going to be alone with Coco for a few weeks. I know for some that might not seem like a big deal. It was not that I did not back myself, I had just literally not been in a house alone as a new mum ever. There has always been someone around.
I knew I would be okay but my super fun brain – as I am sure you are beginning to learn – loves to catastrophise. Things like how would I shower? What if she gets a rash? What if I need a second opinion?!
I drove away from the airport at LAX after dropping Tom off bawling my eyes out and Coco quickly followed suit as we got home and I had to do multiple trips to unpack the car. We were alone. Just us.
It is funny what we learn about ourselves in these moments. I had built this up in my head as something that would be challenging and distressing and I had lacked confidence in myself. All of this for no real reason. When people are around I navigate my day and do almost all things for Coco myself, so why would I think I would suddenly become incompetent without our audience?
One of the biggest things I have learnt in therapy is the art of reframing. Shout out to my therapist Gwendoline Smith who wrote the book The Book of Overthinking, which in many ways became like a bible to me a few years ago. The art of the reframe. Yes I could stress, doubt myself and spiral (I had kind of already done that) or I could shift into gratitude and challenge mode where I get to spend a few amazing weeks just me and my daughter with no interruptions, no outside voices and learn to navigate everything together at a slow pace.
I have to remember getting into the car and achieving things in a wake window is not actually a race. Good time to mention I also seek support for my addiction to achievement haha. I do not need to do things fast. Why do I keep needing to remind myself of this? Slow is so uncomfortable for me.
So the reframe. This special window. The time I will not get back with my growing baby. The goal is to be present, to learn, to navigate and to enjoy.
On that first morning I decided we would attempt the supermarket. Mainly out of necessity but I was told by my best friend Albie that she vividly remembers her first solo trip to the supermarket with baby and how it ultimately shifted her confidence. I love it when mums share things like this with me. Subtle hint to send me your mum wins.
I would never have considered a supermarket trip an achievement but like all scary things once you do them and they are behind you they are no longer scary and the bar shifts to the next goal. And that is progress.
I could not get Coco in the front pack so I just carried her awkwardly, pushed a trolley with one hand and navigated our way around, fielding comments and compliments about how pretty and sweet Miss Coco is. Every aisle I went down I felt a little more on it.
Once we got to the car a nice lady offered to return my trolley. We got in the car and we made it home. We did it.
Then something shifted. Rather than just faking the pivot I actually felt a weight lift. We did it. We are a mum and baby who can go to the supermarket. Shit yes. Where shall we go next?!? Haha.
It is a long story for the fact that is all we did but I needed this. I am such a confident person in so many areas of life and motherhood has been a bit of a spanner in the works. At times I feel like the best mum ever and other times I am filled with guilt and doubt and wondering how little tummy time we are doing even though it feels like it is all we are doing.
So to come home, and have some evidence in my corner as a capable solo parent absolutely rocks.
This week also had a few ups and downs in terms of milestones. I do not know if you have Googled baby milestones or not. It is one of those things that if you do you now have a marker point that you are either achieving or not. And if you do not, how do you know what you should be working towards in wake windows?
I have been told by many mums to ignore the milestones as they can make you spiral and to base any concerns on Coco herself if there is anything that seems off.
I think because I was alone this week there were some very normal shifts in Miss Coco. Excessive drooling and her hands in her mouth. But the one milestone she has not yet really shown interest in is reaching out for objects. On the flip side she did an independent roll from back to tummy which was very exciting.
Another milestone that has quietly occurred in this household is that I now know every single word to The Happy Song by Imogen Heap. If you know, you know. It is less of a song now and more of a lifestyle choice. I find myself singing it when it is not even playing which I assume means I have crossed some kind of parenting threshold.
I am also deeply grateful that Taylor Swift’s final show from the The Eras Tour lives on Disney+ and runs for over three hours. There is something deeply comforting about filling the apartment with girl pop goodness while Coco and I navigate our day. At this point it feels less like entertainment and more like emotional support programming.
Shortly followed by an inundation of “get ready for the three to four month sleep regression phase”. What is it? Is it a real thing? Do babies regress? Is this another fear tactic?
From my limited understanding it is when babies start to sleep for shorter amounts during the day. Having a breastfed baby who has had many a day and night cluster feeding moment I am not sure I understand the difference but it is something mums politely warn you about. I am not sure if I want to live in delusion here and just leave my research there or not but I would love any advice as I enter that “phase” if there is anything you did to make the transition smoother.
It has been interesting as a few friends of mine have had milestones this week. One with one of her babies starting school. I feel the pull of wanting your babies to stay babies and then also wanting them to grow up given that is life.
It is certainly something I have felt this week as I put more of Coco’s clothes in the donate pile. I am even crying now. It is like this mourning of a chapter that is now a memory. Yet when you are in that chapter you are wanting to reach the next chapter and then feel a ping of sadness when you get there. Gosh motherhood is a trip.
I was watching Coco about an hour ago go from laughing to crying to smiling all in the space of a minute and I realised her emotional roller coaster almost mirrors mine. Moments of love, exhaustion, admiration, awe, warmth, delight, joy and sadness all in a moment. No wonder we are all tired. We are doing emotional gymnastics constantly. And I am told it never ends haha.
Another milestone is that we have finally nailed the front pack wrap. Or as I call it ‘earth mother origami’. As I write this Coco is asleep on me and I absolutely love it. Should she be having more naps in a quiet dark room during the day? Maybe. But wearing my baby as she sleeps while I can and while she loves it feels like a delicious treat.
I have two hands free, a sleeping baby and I naturally rock side to side at all times now as if I always did.
I also feel like I have completely let myself go and I am actually totally okay with it. Do I have aspirations of being more put together at some point? Of having a hair free body, slightly more moisture in my skin and wearing something other than spewed on sweats? Sure. But right now I spend far more time and joy choosing outfits for Miss Coco and my overall appearance is so far on the back burner that I am surprisingly comfortable being someone who has, for the moment, let herself go.
I honestly could not care less and that in itself feels kind of empowering.
I am sure as I start navigating schedules, which is another thing we do not have in play yet, I might find a bit more capacity and care for self presentation. But right now if she is napping and not napping on me I prioritise cleaning up our space.
I know there is very much a “let the house be messy” permission card for new mums, but the truth is a super messy house gives me anxiety. It always has. It is almost like my brain cannot really function. I have always been that way. If there is a job I need to do, a project that needs attention or lines that need learning, the first thing I must do is clean.
Anyone else?
I also never knew that speaking openly about my butt prolapse and having a weak anus would bring so many wonderful things into my life haha who would have thought. One of those is a new budding friendship with Kiwi director Rachel Ross who has brought me on to help with a project which will be a short film and then hopefully a feature film based on her experience and challenges with women’s health issues.
What better way to tell stories than through something creative that can raise awareness and entertain. If you want to learn a little more about it or if you have capacity to help us crowdfund I will add the link here. or on instagram.
I guess the silver lining in all this is that a problem shared is a problem halved and us leaky bottom gals have to stick together haha.
On that note and a wee update really I do not feel like I have had any improvement with my pee and poop prolapse issues. Almost as if I have stagnated. I will be back in NZ soon and will look forward to getting checked out as I am hoping there is more I can do to help the healing other than just giving it time. Patience is not my strong suit haha. I still have to go to the bathroom with urgency, packing and wearing disposable underwear. Shout out to Vital Bits, they have the best disposable undies if you find yourself in need.
So we have officially survived two weeks just us. We have left the house, we have figured out situations that have felt challenging and I have had at least a couple of showers. Life is good.
For the first time in this journey I actually feel really proud of myself in the way I have navigated these past two weeks. Not just surviving them but slowly trusting that I really can do this.
I knew I could do it but being on the other side of it now I do feel confident and empowered. Which from what I know about motherhood probably means it is all about to change again, haha.
As always thank you for being on this ride with me. I so appreciate all your messages with support and advice. If you do have any advice as we now hit the 3.5 month mark before the next big brain development I would love love love to hear from you, and also your relationship with milestones and how you found a healthy way of taking note without fixating on them.
Love Kim and Coco
