When women are told they should have a second child, don’t expect them to justify their decision because, well, it’s no one else’s business and it can also be upsetting.
OPINION
“You should have another one.”
“You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“Your son needs a sibling. Otherwise he’ll be lonely.”
“Only children are spoiled.”
These are honestly things people said to me after they asked if (or even when) I was going to have a second child, and I said I was one and done.
I didn’t feel I could say ‘butt out’. I’d say: “Personal reasons.” “Health reasons.” “A difficult pregnancy.”
Would you believe that, even after hearing this, some people still tried to convince me?
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be much easier this time. It’ll be worth it!”
If someone pressed me further, I’d say that I’m close to my nieces and nephews. That I used to look after both my son and niece on Tuesdays when they were pre-schoolers. That I’m sure those bonds will endure throughout my life, and that afterwards I’m sure they’ll spend Christmases together.
What did I not say? I didn’t say that this question hurt because I would have liked a second child. (I’m one of four. I love babies.) I didn’t say that I developed extreme insomnia and severe anxiety when pregnant. I didn’t say that I simply couldn’t risk my health, because I’d gone through hell. I didn’t say that I owed the three people already living – my son, husband and myself – more than I owed anyone a second child.
Once, my answer was: “this doesn’t apply to me, but do you realise some women asked this question may have fertility struggles?” That person went quiet.
When someone said it’s unfair that my son will feel obliged to look after me when I’m old, I got a bit mad. I said, ‘maybe I’ll be lucky enough to be in good health until I die in my sleep or fall down a staircase’. That person went quiet.
Something else I’ve never said is this: “I consider creating a mortal being a big responsibility. And we have an ageing taxpayer base, but also, I’m saving the world an individual’s contribution to climate change”. I haven’t said that in case it offends the questioner (who usually has two or more kids), even though they’ve offended me.
Sometimes I feel upset. Because sometimes I feel there’s an empty chair at the dinner table. But then I realise that three chairs is enough.
I’m in my mid-40s now, with an 11-year-old, so I don’t get asked about it as much. But I’m still asked why I didn’t have a second. Here’s what I say out loud (and should probably always have said): “I made the right decision for me and, as it’s personal, I don’t want to explain it.” Here’s what I say in my head: “None of your goddamn business.”
I also know someone who said she’d only had a second because she thought she should. Because it was expected.
On Social Media
Recently I’ve seen quite a few Instagram posts from people ‘coming out’ to say they’re only having one child and why. Many of the comments underneath are supportive. But some are rude. Judgmental. Self-righteous. Argumentative.
The wildest one? One woman posted on Insta that her husband doesn’t want a second child and she’s realised she agrees. A comment underneath said the woman must have an abusive husband and should leave the marriage.
WTF?
Fitness influencer Zoe Kimball made an Instagram reel about not having a second child. Mental health was one reason. She wrote this follow-up post:
I don’t even know where to begin because well I’m slightly terrified to bring this topic up again but if I learned anything from that reel receiving as much attention as it did, is that this topic is so important to talk about.
As women we have every right to decide what we do with OUR bodies. We do not OWE anyone children – and to say that we do is just beyond harmful (not to mention antiquated). I will never ever say that everyone should only have one child, or that they need to have children, PERIOD. I simply shared that my husband and I decided WE only want one (we know we can change our minds).
I was so overwhelmed by all the kind words and support I received and I truly mean it when I say that it means the world to me and frankly, any woman, when we are respected for the decisions we make regarding our family planning. I totally get that when you put yourself out there online you are opening yourself up to hate and criticism! Regardless of the hate I received, I’m so happy that I made other women feel seen and validated in their choices (even though of course none of us need it).
I hope this just shows people how much women go through every day not just internally (as they confront their own worries and guilt) but from others who feel that it is their place to tell us what we should do with our lives.
To any of the women who resonate with this, I see you, and you’re not alone❤️
A tone-deaf (almost passive-aggressive?) comment below this said: “Whatever works for you Zoe… I will say I loved my little brother growing up & at 46 still so happy to have him”.
Meanwhile photographer Abbi Hearne wrote an Instagram post accompanied by nine slides with photos of her family. The first slide says “we don’t talk enough about the grief that comes with choosing to be one and done”.
She and husband love having siblings. “I feel pangs of guilt not giving my daughter the same…. But, I’m aware enough to know that none of these reasons warrant bringing an entirely new life if I’m not certain I want, and can handle, everything that entails. I have a million more thoughts and things I could say, but I just wanted to put this out here because I know I’m not alone in this decision & the accompanying grief of choosing one path over another.”
Underneath someone posted “You never regret the babies you have, only the ones you didn’t”.
Yes, really.
Seeking Advice
I just read a story in thecut.com called ‘I Feel Bad That I Don’t Want a Second Kid’. It’s columnist Amil Niazi’s response to a reader asking for advice. I could relate to the woman, who wrote:
Dear Amil,
I’ve been trying to make a decision about having a second child for three years — I’m starting to wonder if not deciding is the decision.
My son is 5. He is healthy, hilarious, achingly compassionate, and everything I didn’t know I deserved. But the first two years after he was born nearly dismantled me. Colic that lasted close to a year, not the ‘few rough weeks’ the books promised. Depression and anxiety I wore like a second skin and told no one about. Tantrums and power struggles that still, at 5, rattle something primal in me.
He is what the parenting world calls a ‘deep feeling kid’. Yet nobody talks about the deep feeling mom. The one whose nervous system is chronically dysregulated. The one who is still reparenting herself. I don’t think I can do this all over again. And yet I can’t stop grieving the version of my family where I do.
I don’t want to rob my son of a sibling. I wonder if a second time I’d finally know how to ask for help. I wonder if I’d be better at it. But then someone says, “You guys should have another!” and something in me bursts and I overexplain myself to a near-stranger in the school parking lot and I think: Maybe the answer is already in my body.
Is it?
Sincerely,
Guilty for Thinking No Fucking Way
I decided not to read Amil’s answer and give my own so I don’t plagiarise anything. Here it is.
Dear Guilty for Thinking No Fucking Way
I won’t say don’t feel guilty, because that might sound like you’re getting ‘something else’ wrong. But, girl, it’s not you that’s the problem. It’s a society that expects women to pop out two children (at least). Yes, we’re lucky to live in developed countries and at a time in history where contraception and family planning are possible. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to question your choices. I also struggled hugely mentally during and after pregnancy. Like mine did, your gut is telling you not to risk it. So listen to your gut. As you say, the answer is already in your body. And when someone says, ‘You guys should have another’, maybe tell them just ‘nope’. No further explanation required.
Sincerely,
Someone who gets it
