We’ve had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – eight weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, eight weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here to read it now! Her update at two weeks here!) A month in, here and at six weeks, here.
Now, Kim has reached the eight week mark – and, if she hadn’t already got very real, vulnerable and open about her journey, she’s certainly going there this week. Kim shares exactly what’s going on – particularly physically and talking about what we don’t often talk about (but all happens to SO many mums after/during childbirth…
Those who do not believe in magic may never find it.
I want to start with that because there have been many moments on my journey to motherhood that felt anything but magical. They felt heavy depressing lonely shameful and unfair. During my fertility journey I spoke a lot about mindset and worked damn hard to believe in magic even when it felt impossible. I remember working with healers and being asked to visualise what it would feel like to have a baby and I often blocked the feeling because it felt too painful after miscarriage. As if imagining it meant I could lose it just as easily.
This week I had a moment where my beautiful baby gave me a genuine smile and it mirrored one of those visualisations I once struggled to hold. It took my breath away. I was standing inside a moment I had hoped for, prayed for and worked toward and it felt so damn magical.
I also want to acknowledge anyone reading this who may feel triggered by my journey. You might be in the hopeless stage or working tirelessly to find levity. I know that pain and I am sending magic your way too. (And I am always just a DM away)
Happy Eight Weeks Coco!
Yep wrote that and started crying. She has grown out of her first outfit she is heavier to hold and I do not know if there is a greater feeling than getting a genuine not gassy smile from a baby.
This week I want to start by talking about my body then get into Miss Coco and some things I would love to get your thoughts and recommendations on.
I met with Haley from OsteOh again to check Miss Coco and also to check me. Miss Coco has one hip slightly stiffer than the other which we are keeping an eye on and may look to x-ray at twelve weeks just to rule out or make a plan if there is any hip dysplasia. One of her feet also tends to curl inwards so we are watching that too.
And then there is me. I suggest you stop here if you are not interested in reading about bodily fluids.
You are still here? Okay, you have been warned haha...
I started bleeding again for a few days and passed some really strange mucus that felt like a sticky goo similar to the paste you made in kindy from flour and water. It felt curious because I had stopped bleeding a couple of weeks earlier after birth, so it seemed odd to start again. I also felt a heavy downward pressure like there was a bowling ball inside my butt.
Because I am exclusively breastfeeding I wanted to rule out whether my period could be back prematurely, and whether I might have prolapse. The bleeding stopped and we concluded it was likely my body finishing its own internal clean out. The pressure however needed more investigation.
Haley did an internal exam and from my understanding there are three types of prolapse: bladder, uterus and bowel. The bowel itself does not prolapse out of the body but rather can drop into the vaginal space which can create pressure and heaviness. While it is still early days and tissues are quite soft she does not think I currently have prolapse. That does not rule it out entirely, but it was reassuring. The butt pressure however remained a mystery – more on that shortly.
She also tested my pelvic floor by asking me to imagine picking up a tissue. She used much more professional language than that – I am sharing my version. Side note: I did briefly think, ‘are people actually picking things up with their fanny and have I missed a secret skill all these years?!’
She asked me to lift the imaginary tissue, hold for three and release while she assessed the strength of the contraction. I was mid hold when she said, ‘okay, go now!’ and then there was silence. Oh shit, I was already holding! She could not feel much at all. So I did not do particularly well in that test, which means I have a lot of undercarriage exercises ahead of me. In other words the tissue would still very much be sitting there.
Apparently it is very normal postpartum for things to feel soft weak or slack – similar to wet cardboard. That said, if anything feels like it is dropping or falling down that is a sign to seek help as soon as possible!
Now the butt and the pressure…
I went to see my OB Richard at Origins for a follow-up. My external stitches have healed nicely and I have been referred to a colorectal specialist to check on my rear end. Not the official title but you get the idea.
I do not know if you have seen the South Park episode where they go to a rest home and all the old people walk around farting as they move with little to no acknowledgement of it but that is not entirely dissimilar to my situation. Dignity has left the building and taken my butt control with it. I have very little warning if I need to go to the bathroom and I now walk and fart. Awesome. Love that for me.
I will keep you posted on my progress. Sorry for the overshare but it is honest and it is what is happening and it is both mortifying and humbling. I checked with Haley before writing this that I was not alone and apparently I am very much not.
I am amazed by how many women walk around looking so put together while peeing when they sneeze, carrying back pain from rocking babies to sleep, running on very little rest and still showing up with grace to greet the day. It is remarkable. It is only now that I am in this season that I can fully appreciate how incredible that is. I am hoping to wash my hair at some point this week and that feels like a big goal. You are all superheroes.
Now to my eight week old baby…
Oh, my heart – it grows daily. I did not foresee myself being a Velcro mum, but here we are. I do not want to put her down. I want to tend to every grizzle. I know her so well and do not know her at all at the same time.
I feel like I have made progress with my confidence this past week. I am less rattled when she cries and better at watching waiting and reading her cues rather than jumping straight into trying everything after a small grizzle. My biggest parenting hurdles are my own brain. Is tonight the night we master bath time or do we let her fall asleep and bath her in the morning because she is already settled. That kind of mental gymnastics.
She has also started spilling a lot and I find myself wondering is this normal or is it too much or is her tummy just growing and adjusting. My brain is busy at all times.
My desire to do absolutely nothing else has never been stronger. I just want to be with her. Watch her. When she sleeps I miss her and also sometimes I am desperate for her to go to sleep. I feel so present and yet already feel guilt if I am on my phone or put my attention elsewhere even briefly as though I might miss something. It is stressful wanting to be in the moment while also knowing the moment will pass so quickly.
I am really working on my energy around her. Regulating my emotions my anxiety and what I bring into the room so she feels calm safe and loved. Something I never quite mastered just for myself but now feels easier because it is not only for me.
I so appreciate the help around witching hour. I have invested in blackout curtains from Deep Sleep Blinds and have a follow up booked with the wonderful Victoria from Early Parenting. I know this is the stage where conversations shift toward evening routines and that is where I feel the most unsure.
I try, but anytime I have an agenda Coco seems to revolt. If I think, ‘okay now we feed!’ she does not want to feed. If I think, ‘now we wind down because you have had a bath and I have white noise set to waves and I am singing your favourite song ABC!’ she says, ‘absolutely not’ and lights up the night with blood curdling crying.
I am also struggling with the front pack. She feels too small to have her legs out, yet when I curl them up she pushes into a standing position and seems uncomfortable. If you have tips please send help.
Coco loves a contact nap and so do I and so does every family member lining up hoping to be the chosen one holding her when she drifts off. A few nights ago after feeding her lying down I tried a safe sleep C position nap and she slept for four hours. The longest stretch yet.
This led me into the very controversial world of co sleeping. I want to be clear I have zero interest in being unsafe. I understand the risks particularly around rolling and the absolute rule that alcohol or drugs mean no bed sharing ever. I have been paranoid about falling asleep while feeding, so if there is a safe middle ground occasionally I would love to understand it.
I want Coco to self settle and sleep in her bassinet and eventually her beautiful cot which we just got her for when she is bigger. The Amara cot from Baby Rest is stunning.
However if you are sober aware, there is another adult present and you and your baby enjoy a co-sleep nap is it still completely unacceptable? I am asking not preaching.
Many mums I have spoken to co-sleep or co-sleep occasionally but do not talk about it openly. I would love to hear your thoughts wherever you sit on the spectrum because it is hard to sift through reels from strangers.
Now, our next adventure…
On February ninth we are heading to LA. I am a US citizen and we need to sort visa things for Tom check in on my apartment and our kitty Powder and see our American family.
I am a confident traveller but this will be Coco’s first long haul flight and my first time travelling as a mum. If I am honest, my biggest fear is being disruptive to other passengers or not being able to settle her with an audience.
Any tips tricks or things I might not think about would be so appreciated.
If you have had similar birth injuries or symptoms nighttime advice travel wisdom or front pack hacks please message me. I have walked this path feeling deeply supported by this community and I am so grateful.
And if you are reading this in a season that feels heavy or unfair I hope a little magic finds you too. Sometimes it arrives quietly. Sometimes it looks like a smile you once could not imagine. Sending magic your way.
P.S. If you are manifesting motherhood please make sure you also visualise yourself with a strong anus. Perhaps that is where I went wrong. 😅
