Today, Monday 25 November is White Ribbon Day, an international day of awareness and action against men’s violence towards women. In NZ, our statistics of family and sexual violence is abhorrent – we have the highest rates in the developed world. Here, Elodie Berthe tells the story of a brave woman who managed to leave a violent relationship and start over.
Every day in Aotearoa New Zealand, countless women face an unimaginable decision: to leave, or stay in a violent abusive relationship to protect their family. These are women who sacrifice their freedom, fearing that leaving might make things worse for those they love. Women who feel isolated, not knowing where to turn for help. Women who fight to protect their tamariki while losing pieces of themselves in the process, struggling to find hope.
Our country has the highest rate of family and sexual violence in the developed world. Every four minutes, police respond to a family violence incident, and one in seven children in Aotearoa New Zealand grow up in violent homes[1]. Yet, these statistics only scratch the surface—less than 23%[2] of cases are ever reported. Many women call the police, and many more don’t, because leaving a violent relationship is never as simple as packing your bags and going. On average, it takes seven attempts to leave[3], and the challenges women face after can be overwhelming.
This White Ribbon Day, we hear the story of Chanel*, a survivor of family violence. Her story is filled with incredible strength, resilience, and selflessness as she leaves that chapter of her life behind and embark on the long journey toward healing.
Trigger warning: This story includes references to and descriptions of acts of family and sexual violence.
Step inside Mana Wāhine Coffee Group in Christchurch, and you’ll meet some of the most courageous wahine in town. Each woman here is part of something special. While their journeys are unique, they all share one common thread: survival from family violence.
Among these incredible wāhine present today is Chanel*. At first, she might greet you with a nonchalant shrug, but take a moment to sit with her. Her infectious laughter will soon fill the room, and her bravery – woven through every chapter of her life’s journey – is a testament of resilience and strength.
Chanel uses humour to express what she’s endured over the years. Her strong personality in the face of adversity means she has been able to bring a touch of laughter to very serious and sometimes taboo topics, as well as funny anecdotes like the time she punctured her ex-partner’s tires in revenge.
Behind the jokes are deep scars that will take years to heal, as the complexity of her issues cannot be addressed in isolation from one another. For Chanel, the roots of her trauma run deep. She has endured intergenerational harm, feelings of abandonment from an early age, and an upbringing marked by gang, conflict, unhealthy relationships, and substance abuse.
Her incredible strength has brought her here today as she recalls her surviving the unimaginable for years to protect the most precious people in her life. Chanel’s relationship with her ex-partner was horrific. She experienced sexual violence and all aspects of family violence – emotional and psychological abuse, intimidation, isolating behaviours, minimising, blaming and threats and coercion.
One turning point for Chanel is perhaps the situation she chose to share with us. Chanel ’s ex-partner had been gone for a few days, and when he returned, he started haranguing her on her whereabouts for the last few days – where she went, how long she was out for, who she saw.
“There was no point taking the baby for a walk because I would be interrogated, so it was easier to just stay home; I’d still get abused and get a hiding because I stayed home.”
And that day she did get a hiding.
The argument ramped up, and they moved into the bedroom, out of sight of friends visiting for the day. They knew – when Chanel went to the bedroom, she would probably be beaten and forced to have sex without consent. That day, they all feared for her life.
“I remember I was on the ground, he was strangling me and I could see the bedroom door. I knew my friends were next door. I reached for the door in defence and he banged my head hard on the ground.”
“My friend came flying to help. My ex was trying to strangle me and I was turning purple. I thought I was going to die. I looked up and one of my daughters was there too, standing over me. She was only four and she said ‘mummy, mummy, are you okay?’.”
“He calmed down with a cigarette, and then he was saying sorry, like usual, and I was comforting him, like usual, like an idiot, making him feel better.”
“But then, I was replaying my baby watching me and I ended up calling the police, got him locked up.”
The control her ex-partner had over Chanel was all consuming. She had tried to leave so many times, but it felt like there was no actual way out because of the fear of what he would do to those she loved the most – her family.
“I couldn’t leave him, I tried, I tried, I tried. It was easier to stay, for the sake of me, my kids, my house, everybody.”
“He was threating my family, my siblings – who are so close to me. He would threaten to smash each of them and put them in hospital. He’s part of a gang and he’d say ‘I know everywhere you go, I know everyone’. All my mates were getting abused and for everybody’s sake, it was easier to stay.”
The relationship finally ended when she learnt he had met someone else. Because she was of no value to him, he left.
And for the first time, Chanel had a chance to begin healing.
After putting a Protection Order in place, Chanel and her children began receiving wraparound support from Barnardos. Her tamariki and Chanel all attended Barnardos’ safety programmes. These are designed to break the cycle of violence and empower whānau to build long-term safety for themselves.
Barnardos’ approach is holistic – social workers address the immediate needs, and they work to support families rebuild from the ground up. They teach parents like Chanel to see relationships from their children’s eyes, helping tamariki find the words to describe what they’ve witnessed or experienced.
This understanding is crucial to ending the cycle of intergenerational trauma, and it was eye-opening for Chanel to read what her eldest daughter wrote in her safety programme workbook about her experiences. It brought up a lot of emotions when Chanel realised what her daughter had been through, just to keep safe.
“She’s been so brave. On two occasions, she used her safety plan – a set of actions identified in her safety programme with Barnardos to keep herself safe. One of these actions included going to a person she trusted – our neighbour. I took the book to our neighbour, to show them how my daughter talks about them, and how important they are to her. She’s gone through so much.”
Building trust and strong relationships with whānau is key to creating real change. Chanel’s journey isn’t just about her — it’s about ensuring her children grow up with love, safety, and a positive example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
“You can’t learn new things if you haven’t been shown, you can’t deal with that in a healthy manner if all you’ve been around and all you’ve known is abuse.”
Chanel is navigating a new chapter. Her new partner, also involved in a gang, is different. He treats her with respect, supports her, and makes her feel safe. “I call him weird because he doesn’t pick fights,” she laughs.
Chanel, who has been exposed to gangs her whole life, wants other girls in gangs to know that they are other ways of living, even if their whānau belongs to a gang, and that women and children are taonga (treasure) and can be treated as such.
“I want them to know they can be happy in their relationships. It’s not the patch that’s the problem, but the man behind the patch. There are other ways of living for us women.”
But Chanel’s past makes it hard to fully trust her new relationship. “When you feel safe, you think, ‘When is this going to end? How does it go from being so happy to so broken?’ I’m just waiting for it.”
“I’ve been doing lots of mahi on myself. I’m doing a lot of inner child work, revisiting my hurdles and trauma.”
“I feel guilty for what my daughters have seen. I owe them my healing and I owe them to be the best mum I can be.”
Chanel is proud of the progress she’s made. Through the village of support around her, including Barnardos and other local services in Christchurch, Chanel and her whānau have been on this healing journey together. The other mums attending the weekly Barnardos’ Mana Wāhine Coffee Group have played an important role in this. Mana Wāhine is a space where women like her can share, laugh, cry, and – most importantly – support each other without judgment.
“No one wants to talk about domestic violence but I have a way to get people to talk about the uncomfortable. Instead of trauma-bonding, you have to laugh at your trauma,” shares Chanel, with a smile.
“The group [Mana Wāhine Coffee Group] has allowed girls to slowly open up. We’re all at different stages, but it’s sort of the same.”
“It really fills our cup up. Without this, we would feel like we aren’t worthy of love.”
“If I hadn’t met Barnardos? I would still be broken, that’s for sure.”
Mana Wāhine Coffee Group is a place where the pieces of women’s lives, broken by violence, are slowly put back together.
Mana Wāhine Coffee Group is where the magic happens.
If you are, or someone you know is, seeking support, call 111 in an emergency, or reach out to Are you OK? on 0800 456 450, Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843, and Barnardos 0800 227 267.
[1]https://www.orangatamariki.govt.nz/assets/Uploads/About-us/Research/Data-analytics-and-insights/At-A-Glance-Harm-to-Children-in-New-Zealand.pdf
[2] https://www.police.govt.nz/sites/default/files/publications/annual-report-2020-2021.pdf
[3] Get Help – 50 Obstacles to Leaving – The Hotline
*names have been changed
