One of the creepiest headlines to come out of the global news in the past few weeks is that the Trump administration is trying to encourage women to have more babies (‘encourage’ takes on a very sinister meaning when you consider who’s saying it), including bringing in a ‘baby bonus’ for mothers. As birthrates around the world dwindle, the pronatalism movement picks up pace – in America, but also here in NZ as well. Locked in her own internal battle about whether or not to have more children, Emma Clifton considers the factors that might actually persuade her and other parents.
Things That Might Actually Encourage People To Have More Children
- Complementary replacement set of fresh nipples and/or labia after every birth.
- Childcare that doesn’t cost $400-$800 per week, per child.
- A biological clock that slows down at 50, not 40, giving women another decade to reach financial stability before having children (feels necessary in cost-of-living crisis?)
- Siestas become a mandatory part of the daily routine for everyone but particularly for mums.
- Ozempic-style injections but just to return your boobs to their former magnificent glory, rather than the pair of worn-out slippers they currently resemble.
- #workschoolhours, because the maths ain’t mathing that the school day finishes at 3pm and the workday finishes at 5pm.
- Baby & me movie screenings for movies we actually want to see, not children’s movies. As IF I’m going to see Minecraft by choice?? The babies can’t tell!
- Instead of playing that very intense breastfeeding movie on repeat, one channel at Birthcare is instead dedicated to playing a never-ending loop of Pride & Prejudice.
- Mother’s Day treated with the same sanctity as ANZAC Day, only the dawn service is that everyone else leaves the house but mum stays in bed.
- The Motherhood Penalty becomes a good thing, like a penalty kick, rather than a systemic lack of flexibility that punishes women for their entire career!!!!
- Universal Basic Income.
- Every family is assigned a Mary Poppins for the first 10 years.
- The same paid parental leave – for both parents – that all those Nordic countries get because they really seem to have their shit together.
- Email ban after 5pm like the French do.
- Any politician who talks about wanting women to have more babies has to personally run a daycare for one month straight, in the middle of winter, during gastro season. Then let’s see the policies they come up with.
