More women in midlife are saying no thanks to what can feel like an unrelenting obligation to look for someone – and also they’re fine if the right person doesn’t come along. Sarah Lang chats to a group of women who are quitting dating in midlife – and why they’ve never felt more free.
Many women in midlife are always in a relationship or trying to find one. Some women in midlife are totally fine with being single for the rest of their lives (for good reasons!).
Then there is another kind of women in midlife: they’re single, they aren’t actively trying to find a relationship, but they’re open to meeting somebody. As in, if they meet someone, that’s great, and if they don’t, that’s fine.
“One day there might be a man for me. I just figure that if the time’s right… I can wait til I’m 60 and I’d be fine. If no one comes along, that’s fine too.”
I was surprised to find that a LOT of women have this mindset. Is this a shift? A trend? A movement? If so, maybe we can call it NWA (Not Waiting Around), if NIWA doesn’t mind.
These women I spoke to are rejecting the societal pressures to be actively trying to find a partner. But why should they feel an unrelenting obligation to do so? Their mindset about quitting dating in midlife comes from a place of empowerment and knowing their worth isn’t tethered to being coupled up.
While these women are fine with being single, they’re also open to meeting someone out and about, because who has the energy to sift through the apps, then go on often awkward dates?
These women certainly aren’t putting off things – like overseas trips, or learning to dance, for example – until they potentially meet someone. They’re enjoying their lives right now.
What they’re not doing is waiting around.
“I’ve long given up caring whether I’m dating.”
Mel*, 47, enjoys single life in a small town. “I’ve long given up caring whether I’m dating.” In her 30s, she cared very much. “I was desperate to have a child, thinking I’d left it too late, then I settled for someone.” They had a child.
When they split after three-and-a-half years, Mel wasn’t too fussed about meeting someone else. “I thought ‘oh well, I’ve procreated now’.” Dating felt less urgent. Less necessary, even though she ideally wanted another child.
“After the separation, I must have had a free, relaxed look because I got approached by men organically – like, at the beach or in a shop – and we’d start chatting then they’d ask me on a date. They were all older, quite attractive, and nice enough people.”
“I had a couple of dates with two of them. I wasn’t into them. I just couldn’t be bothered dating.”
Mel also kiboshed a potential relationship with someone she’d been surfing with, because she wanted another kid and he’d had a vasectomy.
When she was 45, Mel had a one-night stand with a friend, got pregnant accidentally, and miscarried. “I thought ‘I’m getting too old to have another kid now’, which took away one of my reasons to date.”
Apps aren’t for her. They’re not organic. And while Mel’s not actively looking for someone, she’d be open to a relationship if she met someone IRL (for instance, through her many hobbies). “If someone gets into a conversation with me about something I’m interested in, if he’s good-looking, and I like him, I’d date him.”
“For me, dating means you meet someone, you’re instantly attracted to them, you get on really well, you start forming a relationship slowly over time, then eventually you’re dating. And I haven’t come across the right guy yet.”
“He’d have to add something special to my life, be trustworthy and financially independent. He’d have to be a feminist and capable of working as a team, but also someone with his own aspirations. Someone loving, kind and working on his own issues. Then we could slowly meld our lives over time.” If he’s a parent, he’d need to be a good one, especially if a blended family is on the cards.
“It’s a tall order. But I’m not too fussed about meeting someone. I’m enjoying the outdoors, my home, my garden, my work, my son, and going at my pace.”
She does feel a bit lonely for about a day after her son goes to his dad’s. “But I enjoy my own company and do lots of things with friends.”
Do people ever ask about her single status? “No! I’m a staunch feminist and I’d laugh if they did. And I live in a small town, so everyone knows my story.”
“One day there might be a man for me. I just figure that if the time’s right… I can wait til I’m 60 and I’d be fine. If no one comes along, that’s fine too.”
“It took me years to get past social conditioning and realise it’s okay to be single.”
Polly*, a 45-year-old from Taranaki, isn’t waiting around for a man. “I’m open to the idea of a relationship if it ever happens organically but I’m happy on my own. I just have no interest in apps or dating, to one day maybe find the one.”
She’s had rheumatoid arthritis since she was nine, which affects what she can do physically. And relationships can take a lot of energy. But she had one relationship that lasted eight years, then a four-year relationship that ended in 2019.
“After the break-up, I just found it was so much effort to date guys.” She’s talking about chatting on apps and meeting in person. “With apps, I don’t have the patience or energy to wait for someone to eventually open up. Personally, I’m an open book but it’s like pulling teeth to get a guy to give you straight answers.”
Also, some men saw her arthritis as a deal-breaker. “That felt disappointing and tiring.”
“But once I really accepted myself for myself, it became easier to be by myself. It took me years to get past social conditioning and realise it’s okay to be single.”
She’d still quite like to meet someone someday. “If I was having a few drinks at a bar or social event, or doing some sort of hobby, I’d for sure be happy to spark up a conversation with someone, and see what happens. But I don’t need a guy for the sake of having a guy.”
Polly isn’t putting off anything until she meets someone. “I don’t live life in a holding pattern.” She does things socially with friends, and has always been happy to go for drinks or dinner on her own.
“Some friends offer to set me up with someone, which I don’t do because it comes with pressure. Most of my friends just leave me to it now.”
Polly has friends who don’t wait even a month after break-ups to date again. “I have some friends who aren’t really looking for relationships because of past experiences. A lot of women are learning their standards can be higher. It’s becoming more normalised to be happy being single. You’re not considered a ‘spinster’ like they used to call it in some books!”
Any loneliness? “No. I have friends and family to talk to. And being alone is pretty relaxing.” And if people ask about her relationship status? “I say I’m currently single but I’m happy on my own and there’s no hurry to find someone.”
“Look, I’m not against love. I’ve just learned that being happy by yourself is quite freeing – and I think that allows you to be open to someone else who has real potential. If it comes it comes, and if it doesn’t I’m happy with my life.”
“I’m so much happier focusing on my family and myself.“
Anna*, 44, has come to a decision. “I’m giving up going on dates or going on dating apps.”
Anna, whose son is now nine, got divorced five years ago after 14 years of marriage. After that she got onto dating apps. “That proved to be a huge waste of my time and energy, resulting in a loss of confidence – hence I settled for someone. We had a failed toxic relationship.” It lasted four years, ending earlier this year.
“I tried to get back on the apps but it was just draining even to think about. Downloading the apps again, writing a profile, and the time and energy spent looking. I’m not going to spend an hour every night scrolling.”
“It’s like playing Lotto in that I could miss out on the big win but most people don’t win the lottery. The apps are more net negative than net positive.”
“So I’ve deleted all the apps and I’m living my life as a single person. I’m so much happier focusing on my family and myself.”
However, if she meets someone IRL, great! “I feel like when you meet someone one on one organically, you value it more. I’m open to love and if something evolved into a real healthy partnership, I’d be all in.” She’d also be happy with a blended family.
“But I need real partnership. I need someone who actually nourishes me. Otherwise, I’d rather be on my own.”
It’s been difficult to reimagine her life. “Because I always thought I’d have a partner. But I’ve done work on myself and now know I actually can be happy single. It’s about focusing on what I already have and on the things I can control.” She has shared custody so spends lots of time with her son, and goes to gigs or brunch with friends.
“But yeah there’s stuff I’d like to do with someone.” She sometimes feels lonely in the evenings and in the holidays.
No one asks about whether she’s met someone. “Well, only my parents! They just want me to be happy, they’re not pressuring me. And all my friends know my situation. I’m a single mom and I work.”
And when it comes to romance, “whatever happens happens”.
“I decided that instead of living to the beat of somebody else’s drum, I’d live my life by design.”
Amber*, who has four children in their 20s, split up with her husband two years ago. “I thought ‘gosh, who’s going to look after me?’ then I thought ‘hang on, you’re quite capable of protecting and providing for yourself’.” She had a revelation. “That validation and self-worth comes from within.”
Her ex-husband’s career had been prioritised, dictating where and how frequently they relocated. “I decided that instead of living to the beat of somebody else’s drum, I’d live my life by design – doing things I’ve always wanted to do. And I thought, ‘what am I waiting for?’.”
Amber lives on a rural property. “I got the four-wheel drive I’d always wanted, joined a four-by-four club, and I do off-roading with my kids.” She got back into surfing and paddle-boarding. “I’ve also signed up with a talent agency for acting.”
She’s been on dating apps for six months. “I’ve found the quality of the profiles is really low. So people don’t write much in their profile, and they rely on a photo taken from under their nose to somehow attract somebody? Or there’s a photo of them drunk. That’s been an interesting lesson for me – what will I accept from someone else?”
Amber is currently cancelling all her subscriptions to dating apps. “I thought ‘there might be a diamond in all of this rough, but do I have the emotional and mental capacity to sift through this?’. I think there’s a more healthy and organic way to meet people, and it starts with me looking after me. I’m taking two weeks off over summer to go on a big roadie in my truck with my surfboard, my sleeping bag and my hammock. I’m doing a dancing course next year.”
She’d be open for a relationship if it did happen organically – for instance if a friend invited her and someone else to a dinner.
But Amber likes the freedom of being single offers. “Occasionally I think, ‘it would be nice to do X or Y with somebody’, but I don’t get lonely. I have great books, great friends, great activities.”
And no one really asks about her single status. “People in my life know that I’m actually just out there doing me.”
“I’m probably more interested in dating women than men because of the current political climate.”
Cara* a 42-year-old from Wellington, has a son aged 13 and a daughter age 10. She was with someone for seven years in her 20s, then with her children’s dad for 13 years. She met them both through work and friends.
After the split with her children’s dad, Cara had a nine-month relationship. “My first relationship with a woman. But since that ended about two years ago, I’ve just had a couple of dates.”
She hasn’t given up on dating, but she’s not putting her life on hold or putting a lot of energy into meeting another partner. “I’m busy and happy enough by myself.”
“I’ve tried the apps and it feels so artificial to meet someone that way. This will sound woo woo but I’m much more attracted to someone’s energy and you can’t get a sense of that from a static image. I sometimes peruse the apps as a bit of virtual tourism but the effort of going on a stink date isn’t worth it.” Especially given she has her kids six days a week. “If I’ve got one day free, I’d rather spend time with my friends.”
“Finding a partner would be lovely, but I’m really only interested if it develops in real life.” How might that happen? “I’m an extrovert. I like people. So I go out and do things. If I’m invited to a gallery opening or book launch I try and chat to at least one person I’ve never met before. I’m always up for meeting new friends, it doesn’t have to be romantic. I talked to a kid’s dad at the pool for three minutes then my daughter later said ‘are you gonna marry him?’.”
Do people ask about her relationship status? “When I haven’t seen someone for a while, they’re like, how’s life? Any news? I’m like, ‘no news. Nothing’s happening.’ But I think that’s less about pressure to couple up, and more about people wanting to have a fun gossip.”
The best thing about being single is doing what you want with your time, “though I do live my life around my kids. But if I paint the walls, I can choose any colour.” No compromises needed. She does get lonely on occasion when she wakes up without someone next to her.
Does Cara have a list of qualities for a potential partner? “It’s basically a one item list – that my life is better with them than without them. They also have to be emotionally available.”
“Right now I’m probably more interested in dating women than men because of the current political climate, the patriarchy, the misogyny and all that shit.”
She’s not waiting around to do things, like make big purchases or go on overseas trips, until she meets someone. “There are some TV series that I’d like to watch with someone but I could do that with a friend. After my kids move out, I’d be happy to have a long-term flatting situation with a friend.”
If Cara doesn’t meet a romantic partner til she’s 43, 53, 63, or 73, that’s okay. If she never does, that’s okay too. She’s happy on her own.
