Back in 1965, the average age of a first-time mum was 25.5.
Back then, you’d have likely got married at 21 and spent a few years adjusting to married life, before starting to have kids – probably three or four of them (the birth rate then was 3.5 per woman).
It was likely your own mother would have started having children by her early 20s too – if not earlier – so when you gave birth, your mum would have been about 50 and around to help, particularly because she wasn’t likely to work.
In last year’s statistics the average age of a first-time mum in NZ hit over 30 for the first time – 31.7 to be exact. The stats show that in the last 40 years, but especially the last 20, the age of a first-time mum has shot up significantly.
In a lot of ways this is amazing – it reflects that women’s roles have changed significantly and we now have so many more choices available to us. It also speaks to the fact that IVF and fertility treatments are making parenthood possible to more men and women.
We ran a story just a couple of months ago about the Hollywood baby boom amongst celebrities who are over 40. This year Aubrey Plaza announced she’s pregnant at 41 – so is Anne Hathaway at 43 and Natalie Portman at 45. It’s something I have a little experience in myself, after having a baby a few weeks after I turned 40. It’s a joy and a blessing and I’m so grateful it was a possibility.
But here’s one of the catches we don’t often address: as we continue to have children later in life – the crush of the sandwich generation becomes a little more intense.
It’s a time in life that’s been talked about for eons. Finding yourself in the generation sandwich is traditionally experienced by women around the time they enter menopause. At that stage, if they’ve followed the social norms, they’re also watching their parents entering their mid seventies and perhaps experiencing a decline in health, or facing a serious illness or diagnosis. And yes, at the same time, she might be waving goodbye to her kids – the youngest of whom are now ready to leave home.
It’s a lot – becoming an empty nester at the same time as you go through the hormonal rollercoaster of menopause AND have to navigate caring for your aging parents.
But here’s the other new scenario a lot of millennials are now facing. If their parents had them a little later in life, and they themselves had their kids a little later, many are now in the squeeze of having elderly parents needing assistance, whilst, yes, they’re entering perimenopause with preschoolers or young kids to care for.
Suddenly you’re not just getting the daycare call that your little one has a temperature and needs to be picked up, but you’re getting the other call – the one from the hospital, retirement village or care centre. There’s been an unusual blood result, the emergency alarm has been activated, or there’s been a fall. How do you be everywhere at once?
Life coach Nikki Taylor, who has written a book – Is This It? – all about modern midlife, included a chapter on The Sandwich Generation, because it’s a pickle she’s seeing so many women in NZ and abroad now finding themselves in.
“So many people are navigating this challenge, yet it still seems a topic we avoid sharing,” she says.
“Many people in midlife find themselves supporting children on one side and ageing parents on the other, often while managing several other areas of life simultaneously. It’s a lot and in the era we grew up in, asking for help was not common and at times frowned upon.”
It means so many of us feel we have to somehow solider through, whilst also not sharing the struggle we’re experiencing. But Nikki says it’s a time in life when we really do need support. She says it’s important to talk about the realities of the situation, but also, ideally, talking to our parents well ahead of time to discuss what future plans might be.
“My advice comes down to three things: communication, capacity and compassion,” she says.
“First, be honest about what you can realistically do. There is only one of you, and you cannot be everything to everyone. Understanding your own capacity is essential.”
“Second, have the conversations early. Too many families avoid talking about future care, living arrangements, finances or expectations until a crisis occurs. These aren’t always easy discussions, but they’re much easier when everyone has time to consider options rather than making decisions under pressure.”
“Third, remember that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Every family has different dynamics, relationships and circumstances. Siblings may have different capacities, perspectives and levels of involvement, and that’s okay.”
Nikki says it’s also worth thinking outside of the box.
“It’s also important to recognise that support doesn’t have to come solely from family members,” she says.”There are many organisations, services and professionals who can help share the load. Asking for help isn’t a sign of failure; it’s often the most sustainable solution.”
And, most importantly, says Nikki, is making sure you’re looking after yourself during this time and remembering to put your own oxygen mask on first.
“If you’re constantly giving to everyone else without replenishing your own energy, eventually there will be nothing left to give,” she says. “Looking after yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential.”
__________________________________
About the Author:
