We look at dating app fatigue and how to get through it – just in time for hot girl summer!
Capsule x Bumble
There’s a certain cycle you go through again and again and again when you’re single. You download the apps, swipe your little heart out, match with a few hotties, maybe even go on a couple of dates, get disenchanted that it’s ‘not working’, swear off all apps, delete said apps… and then two weeks later, begin the whole damn thing again.
Dating app fatigue is a real thing that those looking for love – or a good time – have to contend with. ‘Putting yourself out there’, as your smug coupled friends always tell you should try doing, is f***ing exhausting at the best of times. It’s a massive thing to be vulnerable all the time and, if you’re in the ‘my God I just want a partner’ space, from personal experience, I know that it can be a real soul-crushing time.
BUT, it doesn’t have to be.
Why are we struggling with dating app fatigue?
If you’re in your 30s and using the apps, you were around when they were first a thing – back when meeting on one still carried a stigma (remember everyone writing ‘happy to lie about how we met!’ on their bios!?) and we, the millennials, had to navigate a veeeeery new way of meeting people at the most wild time of our lives – our 20s – where, let’s be honest, we had no bloody idea what the hell we were doing most of the time (as my veeeeery cringe-worthy Facebook status updates tell me. Kelly Bertrand is… not living, laughing and loving now, thank you very much).
Of course, the universal frustrations remain – ghosting is a primary one, the effort it takes to be engaged on the apps in the first place, the courage it takes to keep on keeping on.
But also, online dating looks NOTHING like it did back then, yet, for our generation at least, we might just approach it like nothing has changed.
Millennials and Gen Z’s approach and handle dating wildly differently – for example, research from Bumble shows that 53% of millennials say their sex life is impacted by financial stress, but the same is true for only 36% of Gen Z’s. Eighty-five percent of millennials define sex as ‘intercourse’, while only 75% of Gen Z’s think that’s true.
And as for the Gen X’s? Just like in the property market, they’re having a far better time on the apps, according a Forbes study. What’s their secret? Annoyingly, age, maturity and knowing what they want, apparently – they’re much more selective, are more serious about finding a match and they’re dealing with people who are just more mature in their approach. (Um, anyone thinking about changing their age bracket?)
While we can’t change that, there are ways of dealing with dating app fatigue that’ll set you up for success if you’re heading into summer with the intention of getting your swipe on, (are we still doing hot girl summer or have the kids replaced it with a newer, cooler term?!). Here’s how to combat dating app fatigue!
Reframe what success is
Honestly, this is the biggest one you’ll have to tackle – a mindset shift as to what a successful experience is. Says Bumble’s APAC Communications Director, Lucille McCart, look at the bigger picture when it comes to dating apps: “One of the top complaints about dating is that it is ‘not working’, or that people don’t feel like they are finding success,” she says. “This is really tricky, especially when you are dating with the goal of finding a relationship – it is hard to view anything but finding a partner as a win. A helpful mindset shift can be to refocus on what you are getting out of each experience and thinking about the ‘micro success’ moments – a funny, engaging conversation, a great date, a new friend, are all wins even if they don’t progress into something serious. If you enjoyed yourself, had a good time and connected with another human being, that is fantastic.”
Lucille McCart
Stick to one app at a time
Technology overwhelm is a huge thing in our lives right now – we have apps for literally everything and our phones are constantly buzzing, demanding our attention and filling up our mental load. Add two or three dating apps into the mix pinging with chats and matches and it’s enough to make you want to hurl your phone at the wall (only if you have Apple Care obvs). Stick to one app and focus on developing good, quality conversations, rather than spreading your net too wide and allowing the fish to slip through (excuse the very tired plenty of fish metaphor).
Have a little chat with yourself
I mean I need to do this CONSTANTLY to keep myself on the right track with, well, life – ‘no, you DON’T need another sports bra, you barely exercise at it is!?’ – so why not dating? Lucille agrees. “I also like to talk about mindfulness and intention setting when it comes to dating,” she tells. “Setting intentions, visualisations, manifesting are all zeitgeist-y topics right now, but don’t often get applied to dating in the way that I think they could. If you feel like you are in a funk with dating or have had a bad run, I would really encourage you to spend some time getting clear with yourself on what your dating intentions are and what you want to get out of the experience. Once you have this clarity you can adjust from there.
“If you are only dating to have fun and meet new people, update your Bumble profile to be a bit more fun and flirty and be super open-minded about who you match with and the type of dates that you go on. If your intention is to find something more serious, then don’t be afraid to say so on your profile. Make sure that when you are swiping, you’re connecting with people who are also looking for a relationship – otherwise you might find yourself on dates with people you’re attracted to but not compatible with, which can compound any feelings you have of frustration or exhaustion.”
Don’t be afraid to take a break and set boundaries
Speaking of frustration or exhaustion, what do you do when you experience those feelings in real life? You stop, relax, take a break and re-group. Do the same with dating. “Taking a break when you recognise the signs of dating fatigue is helpful because it allows you time to breathe, to process your experience, and to reset before re-engaging,” says relationship coach Dr. Susan Trotter
She recommends creating a 10-point scale so you can easily assess signs of dating fatigue, with one being no fatigue, and 10 being total burnout. Anything above a five might warrant a break from being active. You can start with a brief break for a few days and then reassess. If you feel better—optimistic, positive, excited—then resume activity. If not, then extend the break for as long as you need until you start to feel better (or as long as you feel like it!).
Remember, make it fun
I say this as someone who was single for more than a few of Taylor Swift’s eras, so I know that you’re probably rolling your eyes at this right now because yes, I know that dating can sometimes feel like another full-time job. BUT, meeting awesome people is supposed to be a fun, rewarding, exciting experience, even if, at the end of a date, you haven’t met ‘the one’. Says Lucille, “When you aren’t enjoying the dating experience, it can be exhausting. On the flip side, when you are relishing the dating experience it can be fun, entertaining, life-affirming and eye-opening.”
