Some of us have sent closure letters, or nearly sent them and deleted them, or have an unsent draft, or may even be contemplating the shoulda coulda woulda right now. We asked some women for their opinions: to send or not to send?
Melanie, a 29-year-old from Auckland, was devastated when a boyfriend of two years – a man who had pursued her in the first place – broke up with her suddenly. “I was shattered that he broke up with me, but it felt like a slap in the face for it to happen over the phone.” She managed to say a few sentences during that call, but couldn’t communicate well. “My brain was short-circuiting or something.”
Later, her therapist suggested that Melanie write him a letter explaining how she felt about everything, then decide later whether to send or burn it.
“There were a lot of things I needed to say to him. Like, too many to even fit into your story, probably. So I wrote that letter. I thought about burning it – as in, deleting the file from my computer. But I decided that I needed to let him know how much I was hurting and exactly why. I made it clear that this was not in any way an attempt to get back together.”
After she emailed it, she felt nauseous for a month, second-guessing if she should have done it. “I’d said ‘please don’t reply’ even though part of me wanted a reply. But I was ultimately glad he respected that boundary.”
Sending the letter helped her close a painful chapter. “Now I feel that I’ve finally put all this behind me. But, man, it felt and feels so embarrassing that I disclosed what I did, especially the depth of my feelings and that I would have done anything to make it work.”
After sending that letter, Melanie was experiencing a “vulnerability hangover”. In an article for Psychology Today, psychologist Yesel Yoon says “this is the regret or shame some may feel after being vulnerable. People worry about how they will feel and what others may feel after sharing personal emotions or experiences.”
A vulnerability hangover after a closure letter may be the embarrassment and anxiety that can hit you right after you hit send, or hit you a little later. You might worry about what the other person thinks of you and/or the letter, and you may feel a desperate urge never to see the person again.
Then again, you might feel relieved you got it off your chest.
Good or Bad Idea?
Stacey Laura Lloyd, an author whose work focuses on dating, relationships and wellness, wrote a story for Brides.com (yes an interesting platform for this topic) called ‘Have You Been Thinking About Writing a Closure Letter to Your Ex? Read This First’.
Stacey suggests that you write your closure letter soon after the breakup to prevent negative feelings from lingering too long, that you focus on expressing your emotions and insights rather than blaming your ex for the relationship issues, and to consider writing the letter for yourself and not sending it as this can still provide closure.
Stacey notes that, in an article published by the British Journal of General Practice, researchers found that therapeutic writing has positive effects on the immune system and the mind. “But in order to reap the benefits, it’s important that you use the exercise to learn from your emotions instead of just reliving painful memories through the act of writing (and definitely don’t use it as an opportunity to just tell your ex off for everything they did wrong in the relationship).”
The benefits are for you, not your ex, Stacey stresses. “When writing a letter to your ex, the focus should be on yourself and how you feel. Rather than pointing out all their faults or blaming them for what went wrong in the relationship, it’s better to look internally.”
What Do Y’all Think?
I conducted an (utterly unscientific) social-media poll about closure letters in a women’s Facebook group. About a third of those who responded said they had sent a closure letter. Of those, about two-thirds said they’re glad they did it and a third said they wished they hadn’t.
“I felt so embarrassed by what I disclosed that I felt nauseous for days afterwards,” one women DMd me. There’s that vulnerability hangover again. “When I read his response I almost died from embarrassment. He was nice about it, but I wondered if he thought I was obsessed with him.”
If you think you may feel mortified afterwards, maybe burn it, or otherwise make clear that you don’t want a response.
Unsure? Maybe write it then sit with it a while. Perhaps show the draft to a trusted friend or family member first, to gauge if it strikes the right tone. One of my respondents said “I showed it to my best friend and she suggested I’d regret sending it, so I never did. Now I think, ‘phew!’.”
Another woman said “I needed to get it all out because when he broke up with me, I didn’t see it coming and was stunned into silence. This way, I got to express myself in full, with no interruptions or excuses. He phoned and apologised for not handling the breakup well. It was cathartic.”
Is Closure Worth It?
Relationship coach Karolina Brenner has written a post contemplating whether to send a closure letter. She says: “If you’re feeling very emotional and desperate, then sending a letter to your ex is NOT a good idea right now.”
Karolina also says it’s okay to contact your ex for closure when you need to get things off your chest. “There are likely things you’re hurting about. Maybe it’s about how your ex was relating to you while you were still together. It could also be about the way they chose to end things. This kind of heartache can cut very deeply, so much so [that] it might make it impossible for you to move on. This is where confronting your ex about how they hurt you could be the only thing that can allow you to start processing those feelings. Expressing your anger and hurt will make room for grief and eventually closure.”
But she adds: “an important note here: only do this if you want to move on. This kind of closure letter might be the last contact you ever have with your ex. Also, they will most likely remain in denial or react defensively. Or they might not respond at all. Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response.”
ReadIt?
Many people on the sub-reddit r/BreakUps (who knew there was such a resource?!) suggest that not sending a closure letter keeps you safe from a potentially hurtful reply.
Others are glad they did it. Someone posted: “Mailed a closure letter today… and I kind of regret it but I can’t do anything about it now. It was more for myself though. I put all my feelings and cards on the table and feel a little more relieved. Killed them with kindness even though they don’t deserve that. I’d be surprised if they even read it once it’s received. I’m not expecting anything from it though. They haven’t been willing to talk things out so I wrote everything down and sent it off. I guess there’s not much else I can do. If sending a letter is perceived as desperate or selfish then whatever. Their feelings aren’t my responsibility anymore and I’m just looking after mine. It was a physical act of letting go and it felt freeing.”
In another Reddit post on this topic, the OP (original poster) asked “Do you regret sending a closure letter? I feel like people who say they regret messaging their ex are people who messaged a ‘how are you?’ or something to try and restart conversation. Has anyone regretted sending a letter with all their feelings before or after no contact?”
Here are some replies.
- “No, cause the closure letter is for your sake, not theirs. It’s so you can say your piece and be done, it’s to let you have something back in a sense.”
- “Nope, no regrets. Feels like a weight has been lifted and I can move on.”
- “After a while I was glad I put it out there and it kind of helped liberate me and help me move forward. Being trapped in that ‘overthinking and regretting the past’ loop becomes a living nightmare. So I’m not glad I sent it, but it had to be done, for myself.”
- “No, I’ve never regretted it, because I wrote those words first and foremost for myself, and it made me realise just how much I’d changed. What’s more, I don’t think you should ever regret or be ashamed of something you did because you listened to your heart.”
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