In Part 1 of our interview with neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy, we looked at what limerence is (in essence, a state of involuntary obsession with someone). In Part 2, we look at his own experience feeling limerence for a colleague, and how he and his wife got through it
Neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy – the man behind the blog-turned-website Living With Limerence and author of new book Smitten: Romantic Obsession – was (and still is) married when he found himself limerent for someone else. This state of involuntary romantic obsession with the LO (limerent object) obviously causes issues if you already have a long-term partner. “If you accidentally fall in limerence with somebody else, that’s a direct challenge. You’ll either stick with the existing relationship and try to manage the limerence for somebody else, or abandon that first relationship and move into a new relationship. Some people try to do things like an open marriage or experimenting with polyamory.”
And yes, you can be in a happy relationship while also being limerent for someone else. “That was my situation,” Tom says. “I’d had very intense crushes on women through my life, which I now recognise were limerence. I was limerent for my wife and she was limerent for me when we met in our early 20s.” They’d been happily together for 15 years when he began experiencing limerence for a colleague at the university he worked at.
He writes about this on his blog, calling his colleague LO3 – not to objectify her, but because someone you feel limerent for is often referred to as the LO (limerent object) – and she was the third person he’d been limerent for. “We spent a lot of time together, talking. Knowing what I know now, all the elements are there: the glimmer [initial jolt of dopamine], uncertainty, adversity, and the opportunity for intense interaction and bonding.”
After a long period of marriage, there was now “the thrill of novelty and the mania of limerence. Except now, for the first time in my life, limerence was a net negative force. I felt high a lot of the time, but then went home to my family and could not turn off thoughts about LO3. You can kid yourself for a while that you can handle it, and take the good without having to deal with the bad, but eventually you have to confront the fact that you are telling yourself a convenient lie.” Even though nothing physical ever happened.
Tom tells me he had two advantages in dealing with it. “I always saw it as a problem – and as a neuroscientist, I could see what was happening to me on a physiological level. When I found Dorothy Tennov’s book Love and Limerence, that was an ‘aha moment’ for me, because it captured my experience. I could then make sense of what was actually going on and why.”
He built up the courage to tell his wife. “It was a very uncomfortable conversation. She obviously wasn’t happy about it, but we were able to talk about it. Obviously there were low points – especially when it sunk in for her – but ultimately, we got through it because I told her. She’s an amazing woman.”
“Because my wife had felt limerence before, she could relate to what I was feeling. It’s very powerful if somebody gets what you’re going through. It makes it easier to develop strategies to counteract limerence. I couldn’t go ‘no contact’ because it was a coworker. At no point did I ever tell my coworker. That was an absolute line not to cross. I’ve now left the university, but not because of that.”
If his former co-worker read his book or blog, might she figure out it was her? “I don’t ever talk about distinguishing details because it somehow feels a little disrespectful – even though nothing happened. She didn’t invite this into her life. Possibly she’ll read about it and think ‘oh is it me?’. Maybe people who knew me in my university life will think it’s them and it’s not. I don’t know. My inclination is to not try and find out. Also, I’ve found through the site that most people think their experience is unique and that, if they say anything, it’ll give away who it is. But there are amazing amounts of similarity in limerent experiences.”
In 2018, Tom set up anonymous blog Living With Limerence with “a bit of the zeal of the evangelist. I’d just discovered this thing which explained so much about my past – and it could explain so many things about romantic misadventures in general. Because I had the perspective of a neuroscientist, and limerence wasn’t much discussed, I happened upon a niche and the blog grew and grew.” Total visits to the site are over five million, with about 120,000 visits a month. Through his site, Tom has corresponded with thousands of people.
After seven years writing as the anonymous ‘Dr L’, he’s just revealed his identity to pair with the publication of his book Smitten: Romantic Obsession. “My wife thought the book was a good idea. She said ‘a lot of people need this’, so that was the decisive thing.” He’s condensed over 450 articles from the blog, and other learnings about limerence. “There hasn’t been a definitive book on limerence since Tennov’s in 1979. Now we know so much more about neuroscience, so I thought another book is overdue.”
How did friends and family respond to his ‘unveiling’? “My family, and a couple of my closer friends knew, but otherwise I’d kept it very quiet. So it was a bit of a shock – although they knew I was interested in limerence because I kept talking about it. They’ve been quite positive about it all.” He now runs the site full-time – and just started a YouTube channel where he talks about limerence, neuroscience, and the psychology of behavioural change.
In early blog posts, why did he use the term ‘traitor brains’?. “I meant the scenario where your brain’s doing things you don’t want it to do. But I don’t actually think our brains are traitors to us. From an evolutionary and a biological perspective, there are reasons why limerence is a normal function for a brain. But when you’re in the thick of a limerent episode you don’t want, it can feel like your subconscious is working against you.”
“But becoming aware of limerence as a phenomenon and concept really helps people, rather than them looking for explanations like ‘this is a cosmic force’. Mentally reframing it – recognising that there’s neuroscience behind it – can help a lot.”
Tom’s written a 10-step guide to mastering limerence. Going ‘no contact’ may be required. Or you could tell the other person how you feel, ask how they feel, and see if a relationship is a possibility, Tom says. “If you can muster that decisiveness and courage, that can resolve limerence in itself, because you don’t have hope and uncertainty battling each other.”
“But it does depend on your circumstances, their circumstances and your triggers.There are also scenarios in which limerence is a warning sign, not a romantic possibility. If you find yourself frequently becoming limerent for people who don’t commit, treat you badly, are dismissive, unreliable, inappropriate, or unavailable – then your limerent tendencies are at odds with the chance of forming a stable long-term relationship. Then, your best strategy is not pursuing the limerent high.”
Many people he’s corresponded with – limerents and the partners of limerents – have faced another difficulty. “It’s hard to make sense of the cognitive dissonance of ‘I love and am committed to one person, yet I’m head over heels for somebody different’. Unfortunately, many people start rewriting history to make themselves feel better – saying things like their partner was never really right for them. So the partner of the limerent person has to deal with being devalued as well as having to deal with the potential breakdown of the relationship.”
“Those are some of the heartbreaking stories I hear: a happy marriage destroyed because a person chased after the limerent high.” Tom’s written a guide for how people could respond to devaluation by a limerent partner – and is considering setting up an online support group.
Running the site is rewarding. “People say things like ‘I never realised this before and it’s transformed how I’m looking at my relationships’ so that’s amazing to hear.”
