Last month, writer Jessica Bell broke down ‘Successful Single Women Syndrome’, this week she speaks to single Kiwi women in their 30s and 40s about their experiences, how rom-coms lied to us all, the ins and outs of online dating, plus an expert’s opinion on how to approach dating when you’re no longer in your 20s…
Like most millennials, I grew up on rom-coms– The Holiday, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Legally Blonde, The Wedding Date…
The heroines of these movies were powerful, successful women. Even if, at the start of the movie they went through a breakup; within a short time, they crossed paths with someone new – at a bar, on holiday, in a supermarket, or maybe they ran into an ex from university, and after a few ups and downs, they were in a new relationship that was far superior to their previous one.
The notion was that romance was everywhere – all you had to do was live your life, and it would find you.
Only, what we have now is hours of mindless swiping, messages that don’t go anywhere and dates that ‘just don’t click’. Disappointment is the new normal, not romance.
While of course, we know that life is not a fantasy, it sort of feels like modern dating has come so far off the rails that it’s wearing single people down.
Confusion, misalignment and other people’s opinions
In my last piece, I talked about the trend I’m seeing of successful single women feeling burned out and despondent from the relentless work of dating, on top of the usual demands required for modern living.
This time, I decided to go a little wider, and ask other women how they feel about dating and whether they plan to continue doing it.
One of the most common themes was around the calibre of potential partners, and the complexities of meeting someone in your 30s and 40s. As Olivia said, “The pool becomes smaller, it feels like the good ones might have been snatched up.”
Melanie lamented that finding alignment with someone’s aspirations at this age can feel like an additional pressure. “Every time I go on a date, I feel like I have all this noise in my head about whether we’re looking for the same things, or whether they’re just looking for casual or don’t want kids. It feels like I don’t have the luxury of time anymore…everything seems so much more complicated.”
The other aspect of age, as Olivia pointed out, was that the opportunities to meet people just aren’t as frequent. “The way that you meet people at this age is different – less likely to be through friends and or at bar as people just don’t that at this age. I don’t feel like there is the same opportunity.”
Another frequent comment was about how time-consuming and draining the whole process can be. Olivia agrees: “The time required to actually do it is major – the swiping, the messaging, the actual dates – between having a career, friends, interests, spending time with family – it can feel really overwhelming at times.
Not to mention the money, between ubers, drinks, dinner… all for a thing that within five minutes you know is not going anywhere. I could have spent that money and time going out with a friend and actually enjoyed it or bought something for myself! It’s not fun stuff to be spending your money on.”
The other aspect is other people’s opinions. Online dating is a world of its own, and I imagine it all looks quite simple to those on the outside. With what looks like a plethora of people to choose from, one could easily assume that the reason single people haven’t met someone is because they are too fussy. Equally, if friends and family had the good fortune to meet someone in real life, they can have the view that there are many available people ‘out there’ too, and single people are just not trying hard enough.
Oliva agrees, “Other people’s advice can be really hard to take, even though I know it is well-meaning. One minute, it’s ‘Are you putting yourself out there enough?’ And the next it’s ‘Maybe you’re giving off the wrong energy. Like when you want something so much, it could come across as desperate.’
The worst is when they tell you that they ‘absolutely couldn’t online date if they were single!’. When I hear that, I just want to say, ‘Well what exactly would you do?”
Building boundaries and trusting your gut
I spoke to counsellor Claire Lefevre to get her perspective on what she hears from single women in their 30s and 40s. It all sounded very familiar: “Often they feel very disheartened and despondent and frequently very hurt. There are these short bursts of intensity – with the lead up and lots of messaging, then maybe there is a date or two and it all comes crashing down.
There are big ups and disappointments, or it could be one of those things that never takes off. Or there might be something that goes on a bit longer, a sort of ‘dating’ that never quite turns into a relationship. There is no progression to that normal next phase”.
Claire shared some of the advice she gives women when they’re feeling like this, strategies to rebuild self-confidence and self-trust, develop boundaries and manage expectations.
“First, we debrief and find some learning and very often it’s about defining some boundaries.
That starts right within the profile – being very upfront about what you want. Often women worry that that is going to put people off, but it’s actually weeding out the people who will run for the hills anyway.
Be upfront about what you are looking for from the get-go. This includes: how long will you message before meeting in person? Where do you go on the first date? What are the boundaries? This includes physical contact on the first date.”
The other aspect is about listening to yourself and your gut instinct. Be clear about what you want – keep your eyes open, and give people the benefit of the doubt, but don’t sugarcoat something if it’s not working.
Where to from here?
With all the challenges, do women plan to continue their search for love? At this stage I do, but I’ll leave the last word to Olivia. “I go through phases where I go, f…if this as good as it gets then I would be better on my own.
It’s really hard to pick yourself up and keep doing it over and over. But then you see the couples, or you watch the Netflix rom coms and I go, maybe it is worth if I find the right person.”
Those rom-coms got us all.
