Writer Jessica Bell has been noticing a trend amongst her fabulous, but single 30-something friends: they seem to be suffering from burnout. What is ‘Successful Single Women Syndrome’ and why is it hitting women in their 30s so hard?
Like most people, I assumed I’d meet someone in my 20s, get married around 30 and shortly after, have a family.
However, at 37, I am single. I have a lovely family and wonderful friends, a job I love, I own a home, I’m fit, I’m well-travelled, I have interests and side hustles that I pursue.
While I know on a conscious level that I’m a good person who has built a great life (and there are many adventures ahead), it would be untrue to say that not having a partner doesn’t bother me.
A couple of months ago, my health really packed up. I was sick, exhausted, burnt out, tearful and grumpy. While that was caused by a range of things, I cannot help but think that some of it came from being single.
It might sound like an exaggeration, but when I looked around at my single friends, many seemed to feel the same. Despite being incredibly successful in their own right – great careers, big friend networks, well-travelled, the majority of them homeowners, each with interesting hobbies and great conversation, fit and attractive, these ladies seem to frequently feel bad and beat themselves up, are often tired and tearful; not to mention place huge amounts of pressure on themselves.
They twist themselves up in knots worrying about quite ordinary guys, and if they are not beating themselves up about that, they are worrying about their ability to have children.
The so-called ‘fertility cliff’ weighs extremely heavily on women’s minds, and while I absolutely value modern medicine and science, the messaging around single women and fertility can feel like additional pressure.
When I look at these women, all I can see is wonderful, interesting people with everything going for them. Why are we all being so hard on ourselves?
Successful Single Women Syndrome
Once I had observed that it wasn’t just me who felt this constant tiredness and overwhelm, I began to wonder if this was in fact a trend.
Enter my newly minted (and totally unscientific) term: Successful Single Women Syndrome (SSWS).
SSWS is the fatigue and stress that can come from the full-time job that is being single.
Aside from all the things that one is supposed to do to meet a partner – online dating, attending every event, joining a hundred different hobbies, ‘working on yourself’ – being single also brings it with a huge amount of thinking and emotion. We are all conditioned to believe that to be worthy, we must be ‘chosen’ by someone else, and if you haven’t yet found your person, that can bring up some pretty big feelings.
Women, in particular, tend to be very intelligent creatures, and we like to try and figure things out. What choice did I make, what did I do wrong, what misstep did I make that caused that relationship to end or mean I haven’t met someone yet? This kind of ‘loop thinking’ or ‘overthinking’ can cause a lot of stress on the nervous system.
Less than great Bumble date? Cue more overthinking, even if you were not especially interested in the other person.
The constant energy required to continually ‘put oneself out there’ cannot be underestimated. Getting to know people is tiring, being vulnerable is tiring, being rejected is tiring. Most people only have to do that occasionally at a networking function or friend’s dinner party, whereas single people are expected to do it night after night.
Dating app fatigue is real, and messaging someone now feels like one must put on a one-man show just to get as far as a date.
We know that pro-longed screen time can cause fatigue, disrupted sleep, eye strain and sensory overload or ‘digital burnout’, so it’s possible that constant swiping and chatting can also contribute to these symptoms.
All of this is of course on top of the energy required for the usual business of living – keeping a house, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, dealing with the car when it breaks down – but without someone else to share the load.
It’s little wonder so many single people are tired.
Tackling Successful Single Women Syndrome
Once I realised that my own thinking and feelings around being single were contributing to how bad I felt physically, I realised that I needed to find a way to manage it. Life wasn’t going to slow down and I needed to be a little kinder to myself.
If anything in this article resonates with you, you may wish to try some of the things that worked for me:
- One technology-free day a week – no dating apps, no social media, nothing. I know it can feel like if you’re not on the apps, you’re not trying hard enough, but one day will not make a difference to your likelihood of meeting someone. It will however put an intentional ‘break’ in the loop of overthinking. Social media is both a huge timewaster and a great way to feel bad about yourself by comparing your life to others – skip it for day.
- Try calming herbs – Chamomile, passionflower, licorice and withania (ashwaganda) can all help calm the nervous system and reduce feelings of stress and anxiety. Bach Flower remedies can also be helpful. Consult a herbalist or naturopath for a specific prescription.
- Diaphragmatic breathing – Deep belly breathing activates the parasympathetic ‘rest and digest’ nervous system, helping reduce feeling of stress and anxiety. Start the day with 20 deep belly breaths.
- Celebrate the amazing life you have. I no longer feel bad about staying home on a Friday night. Instead, I choose to be grateful for my lovely home, acknowledge my need for rest, and make myself a nice dinner, light some candles and watch something I want to watch. I ignore the pitiful looks when I book a holiday alone, and relish doing exactly what I want (four hours at the art gallery come at me!). The path I am currently on won’t last forever, and when I do meet someone, I will look back on this time with fondness.
