Welcome to TBH – To Be Honest – Capsule’s monthly column with our columnist and old pal, Brodie Kane! This month, Brodie is dipping her feet back into the dating world with a piece of clever dating advice that takes the pressure off everyone.
And for her previous columns, click here!
Three years ago, on The Girls Uninterrupted, we interviewed a Kiwi entrepreneur called Rebekah Campbell, who’d just put out a book called 138 Dates. She was a hugely successful businesswoman who – despite the success and the bright lights of her shiny career – wanted love, and wanted to start a family.
Now, despite having not been on a date in 10 years, she set herself a goal to date one person a week for a year. The challenge went well past that – it took her from Sydney to New York, and would see her date 138 different men until she found love (and spoiler alert: she’s happily married with two children)! But she’d decided to treat it a bit like how she operated in the business world. She was good at that, so she set her mind to approach it like a business strategy.
She is a wonderful woman, and I strongly recommend listening to the episode and reading her book.
Anyway, why am I telling you all of this?
Well, I recently dipped my toes back into dating. Hahaha… oh how I laugh and cringe when I write this. I say ‘dip my toes’, but really, I have never been much of a dater. Up until the other week I could count on one hand how many dates I’ve been on in the past 10 years (actually, a couple of fingers, lololololololol).
But a mate told me about a single/mingle speed-dating night that was coming up. She’d been to one a few months back and said it wasn’t horrific, so I dived head-first outside my comfort zone and booked a ticket.
I had two gins before arrival, because truth be told I was absolutely bricking it.
I am an extrovert, I love people, and I love meeting new people, but I am so wildly out of practise when it comes to courting the opposite sex that this was extremely daunting to me.
We arrived, I smashed out another couple of glasses of Prosecco, the nerves were numbed and away I went. Sixteen five minute dates later and actually, I’d really bloody enjoyed myself. It was refreshing to be in a space where A) you know they’re actually all single and B) they’re there for the same reason you are.
I went away from the evening feeling like I’d ripped the Band-Aid off and that actually, it was nowhere near as bad as I’d built it up to be.
I had “ticked” five names of guys I’d chatted to, my benchmark was “I’d happily sit and have a drink with them”. Out of those five, just ONE had ticked me.
I had a bit of a laugh at first because I was sure there would’ve been more.
Then came the DROVES of punishing one-liners from my loved ones.
“It only takes one”
“It’s a numbers game”
“Good on you! You’ve got to be out there”
Fuck up.
But actually, as incensed as I get when anyone tries to offer me dating or relationship advice, there’s some truth to those one-liners.
And, it kept me going back to thinking about what Rebekah told us on that podcast.
So I went on a date with the guy I matched with, and then I actually went on a date the following night with someone I’d matched with on Bumble (classic Brodie, zero to a 100 real quick).
Neither set my world on fire. And while the conversations were nice enough, I didn’t feel the need to call or connect for a second date. Neither did they.
And do you know what? That, to me, is absolutely fine. Rebekah Campbell had told us a piece of advice from her book that her therapist had said to her right in the thick of her dating all those men. On the surface it sounds quite cold and callous but actually it makes perfect sense:
Treat it like buying a car.
You heard me!
“You are just a product with a set of unique features and someone out there is going to want exactly you. There’s nothing wrong with the product, you’re not faulty in any way, it’s just that you haven’t found the right match yet. So you need to find someone who’s looking for you.”
I do think I’m a bit cold and callous (37 years of single girl walls will do that to you) and I’m happy to treat it like buying a car and I’m happy to treat it like a numbers game and I’m happy to treat it like an appointment I need to find space for in my calendar.
So no, I most certainly am not going to go on a date every a week for a year, or for well over two years, as it was for Rebekah, but I can manage treating it more like a business strategy.
My problem is, there is way more important business to attend to! (And those two dates in one week will be the last for another five years).
Hahahahaha, Godspeed everyone!
To hear more of Brodie, jump onto her podcasts The Girls Uninterrupted and Kiwi Yarns