A new campaign from Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa is aiming to reduce shame around sexual wellness and get the conversation started. One of the well-known Kiwis lending their voice to this is Emily Writes, who talks to Capsule about growing up in religious household and learning to overcome shame, as well as sharing the moment that radicalised her.
When Emily Writes talks, we listen. An advocate and activist, she’s fearless, open and inclusive in how she talks about gender, parenting, sexuality and more. And now, she’s lending her impressive voice to a new campaign by Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa (SWA), New Zealand’s largest national provider of sexual and reproductive health services, in an effort to help reduce shame around sexual wellness.
A new study by SWA shows that found that the majority of Kiwi (62%) keep sexual health concerns to themselves and 16% have never spoken about concerns at all. One of the major reasons for this? A feeling of shame, and the fear of being judged. To help start conversations about sexual wellbeing and reduce that sense of shame, SWA have released a line of ‘emotional support bits’ cushions – colourful, squishy and a real conversation starter to have sitting on your couch.
‘I very quickly realised I would not be a woman who would just sit down and shut up.’
Growing up in a religious household, and being taught at a young age to feel shame around her body, Emily Writes knows how insidious and damaging that emotion can be. She talks to Capsule about overcoming her upbringing, raising children in a shame-free environment and protecting her emotional support vulva cushion from an overly enthusiastic dog.
When did you become aware that you had been raised in a purity culture and that it had made an impact on both what you knew about sex, and how you felt about your body?
Right from my first period – I just did not know what was going on, I didn’t know what to do. And I wasn’t just scared – I felt disgusted that my body was doing this horrible, dirty thing. Now, of course I know there’s nothing dirty about periods. They’re painful, sure, but they’re not shameful. So puberty for me was just very difficult and upsetting.
I find it ironic so many very religious people are so obsessed with the puberty of trans children when all the while they’re pushing all of this shame into the minds of children going through puberty. That’s what we should worry about, not puberty blockers for a handful of children who need them.
Growing up within a religious system that encourages you to be closeted if you’re not heterosexual and to be in service to men if you’re a woman – I think it radicalised me. I very quickly realised I would not be a woman who would just sit down and shut up. And I very quickly became committed to making sure other young people don’t have to go through that kind of social conditioning. I think many parents just don’t know the messages their kids are getting at Sunday School or religious settings either. It all made me realise we need to be involved as parents.
Shame plays a huge role in so many people’s journey in growing up – what role did it play in yours?
I didn’t have access to sex education, so I just didn’t know anything. I also had that Christian purity culture influence that made me feel like I was impure until I was made pure.
‘I distinctly remember our pastor passing round a dirty toothbrush and telling us to use it. He told us a woman who has sex before marriage is like a dirty toothbrush.’
I distinctly remember our pastor passing round a dirty toothbrush and telling us to use it. He told us a woman who has sex before marriage is like a dirty toothbrush. Who would want that germ-ridden disgusting thing near them? It had such a profound impact on me.
I wanted to be “good” and I was constantly worried that any desire I felt was wrong. I think shame steals joy from people. And shame around sex and sexuality just removes the ability for you to love your body and yourself.
Why was that so important to change the narrative around sexual health for your own children?
You want your children to be safe, always. And I’ve learned a lot about how inserting shame into children about their bodies and how they feel increases their risk of sexual harm. We know from studies that if children don’t have access to sex education they are at increased risk of sexual harm – they’re not told their body is their own, they’re not taught what is harmful, they’re not taught consent or how to voice how uncomfortable they are. In my mahi in this space, we hear that some children do not even know that someone has harmed them sexually because they don’t know anything about their bodies.
As a parent, it’s my job to keep my children safe, so I will always, always give them the tools to try to keep them as safe as possible.
I also am setting them up in life so they love themselves – exactly as they are. And that means making sure they love and know their bodies. Because I don’t want them to feel ashamed or be closeted. To me it’s all about safety – emotional safety, physical safety, sexual safety.
Knowing ‘my mum and dad taught me I can always say no – even if I have started something’ or ‘my mum and dad taught me I can talk to them and I won’t get in trouble if I need advice or I am having big feelings’ – all of that is important to me.
We are in such a bizarre time for sexual wellness and information – we have so much more information that when we were growing up, but there are so many conflicting sources – social media, porn, being able to Google anything, now AI. On top of that, we have increasingly conservative governments around the world trying to remove rights or make things seem taboo again. How do you manage this balance as an adult human, but also as a parent?
I think if you’re finding it hard, it’s because it’s hard. I find it very hard. I am trying to have as many really open, judgement-free conversations with my kids as I can as they get older. I am lucky that those conversations have led them to discuss things with me about what they have seen online with friends or what they’ve heard from other kids – and that means we have been able to unpack all of this stuff together.
I can’t fix the world, but I can make sure my kids feel safe enough that they can ask me for advice and they can tell me what’s going on for them. And when I have that information I can actually help them. I can actually do something useful.
We also talk a lot about the state of the world. They know we have a health minister who is an anti-choice extremist and is a danger to our reproductive rights. Why shouldn’t they know that? This is the world they’re part of.
They can’t vote so they should know the adults in their lives are working hard to try to make their lives better. And they should know that we are on their team, that we want to hear from them, that the movement for equality and rights for all includes them. I think that’s empowering for young people and I think we adults can learn so much from young people.
Where do the emotional support bits fit into your life – both in terms of your educational journey (for you and your boys) and also literally: where in your house do you have them?
My emotional support bit is currently up high so our puppy doesn’t get it. She wants to chew and rip apart everything. And I’m far too fond of my plushie vulva to allow anything to happen to her! The kids have had a good laugh over her. We have had friends over who just burst out laughing when they see her up on the shelf!
“I feel like I’m giving younger me a cuddle and saying, ‘Hey, you will get there.'”
Sometimes I take her down and give her a squeeze, haha. I feel like I’m giving younger me a cuddle and saying, ‘Hey, you will get there. One day you’ll be 40, you’ll be happy, you’ll have a family and friends who love you, and you will look in the mirror and feel only love for your body. You’ll know yourself.’ I think that’s a real gift to be able to tell little you that one day you’ll know yourself.
What conversations do you think women your age need to be having more in terms of sexual wellbeing and sexual health?
I think no matter your age you need to be working on ridding capitalist and patriarchal ideals from your body. Capitalism tells us we don’t deserve rest, that our desirability relates to our worth as humans, that our bodies are commodifiable. The Patriarchy teaches us we must be small both in size and voice.
Both profit from us fighting our bodies. This is why people say loving your body is a revolutionary act. Rejecting capitalism and diet culture isn’t easy so I’m not going to say just practice self-care because that won’t do it. I guess I’d say give yourself grace and compassion as you explore the ways capitalism and the patriarchy have harmed you and continue to harm you. And join the millions of us out there trying to dismantle these systems!
