The pandemic saw a spike in social anxiety. What are some ways to deal with it?
Jenny Valentish, who experiences social anxiety, is talking to me about this psychological phenomenon, having released her fifth book The Introvert’s Guide To Leaving The House, which she calls: “a practical book for introverts, awkwards, sociophobes and stand-offishes”.
The London-raised, Melbourne-based author and journalist (the Guardian, Vice, Rolling Stone) has written a book that has the tone of a witty, quippy best friend – and that also has practical exercises, personally-tested techniques, and “go forth lists”.
A distinction: there’s a difference between experiencing some social anxiety, and having Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). The latter is when, according to the Mayo Clinic, “everyday interactions cause significant anxiety, self-consciousness and embarrassment because you fear being scrutinized or judged negatively by others. In social anxiety disorder, fear and anxiety lead to avoidance that can disrupt your life.” (Professional help is highly recommended for SAD.)
When this story refers to social anxiety, it’s not referring to SAD. It’s referring to the feeling of finding social scenarios taxing and anxiety-inducing (as Jenny has experienced).
Pandemic hangover?
The book’s initial working title was ‘Does Not Play Well With Others’. “It was more about social reluctance or resistance, which I’ve felt. But when I started mentioning it to people [offline] or on social media, so many people said: ‘I need this book to be about social anxiety’.” Jenny learned all she could about it.
“The increase of social anxiety following the pandemic is definitely a thing, but I don’t quite understand why.” That’s because protracted lockdowns made her – an introvert with social anxiety – realise she does need to be around people. “Even just working from a cafe for a bit.”
Jenny Valentish
“Maybe people’s fear of socialising again is knowing Covid’s still out there. It came out of nowhere and changed our lives, so maybe it’s a fear of the unknown – or the known. We used to see a crowd or gathering as relatively harmless, then realised they were walking Petri dishes. So socialising might have that fear attached to it now.”
But there’s also a flipside. “Since the pandemic, there’s been a rise of events bringing people together in a wholesome way, so things like Parkruns have seen a real uptick of attendance.” These group jogs happen every Saturday morning at around 2000 locations in 23 countries. And Jenny mentions Club Sup, which throws dinner parties to bring together strangers in Melbourne and Sydney. “I think people are seeking out more meaningful connections more than ever. Maybe we’re reassessing what socialising looks like.”
So yes, the pandemic has had an impact. “But social anxiety can arrive anytime in our lives for any number of reasons. For example, through shame, losing a job, or being destabilised. It can happen to anyone.” Including extroverts.
“Introversion doesn’t necessarily equal social anxiety. But there’s a huge overlap of social anxiety and neuroticism with introversion – more than there is with extroversion.”
Social lubricant
One chapter is called “Are You Reliant on Dutch Courage?’. “If you’re somebody who’s very insular,” Jenny says, “and don’t open up very often, adding alcohol can feel really good because it lowers your inhibitions”.
Jenny started drinking aged 13, and later wrote a book about overcoming alcoholism.“I’d thought my drinking was a result of childhood trauma and perhaps hereditary aspects, but when I stopped drinking, I realised I’d been drinking because I’m an anxious person. I realised I was drinking just to feel comfortable. That was a real revelation. Anxiety didn’t exactly go with my personal brand of hard-nosed boozehound journalist.”
“Once I stopped drinking, I had to learn how to be social again, which was the genesis of this book. The exercises in there are exercises I set myself to try and overcome my social anxiety, but also to tweak my behaviour. I’d turned being sort of anti-social into self-preservation and developed a prickly persona, so I needed to explore my social reluctance.”
For instance, if someone she doesn’t know stops to say hi in a café. “I feel anxious and there’s a countdown in my head to get out of this conversation. I now ask myself if that urge to shut down a conversation is a hangover from the social wariness I learned in childhood? I think ‘is it serving me right now?’.”
Her book is literally “dedicated to all those I’ve blanked”.
The spotlight effect
“The spotlight effect is one of the egocentric biases. It’s where we excessively think that we’re being scrutinised and that our behaviour is impacting the actions and conversations of everyone around us. When I found out about it, I thought ‘great, this has a name, I’m not just an arsehole’.
“The spotlight effect is a form of self-absorption, but not a narcissistic thing. It’s a maladaptive thing tied in with low self-esteem rather than overconfidence. It’s a really horrible way to feel. I felt it particularly in my teens and 20s.
“If I walked into a gig, I’d feel like everyone was staring at me, which is weird because they’re there to see a band, not me. Yet I had such an overpowering feeling of being scrutinised. So now I find it’s useful to acknowledge the spotlight effect when it happens, and ask myself to focus on other people’s experiences.
“Say a film’s about to start, nobody’s gone into the cinema yet and you’re standing around feeling uncomfortable. You could imagine thought bubbles over people’s heads or imagine why they chose their clothes that morning.” You’re reminding yourself that they also might feel uncomfortable.
“In the past I’ve tended not to say hello to people in places like the gym or a lift, which suited me fine. But when my partner Frank strikes up conversations in situations like that, I find they’re often quite funny or interesting.”
Tips
If an event doesn’t interest you, for sure decline. But if social anxiety is causing you to avoid social situations in general, that can exacerbate the problem. “You’ve got to force yourself to do the ‘maintenance’ of going out.”
Jenny encourages people to fully engage, not stand in a corner. “I’ve amassed enough game plans to be able to tackle most social scenarios.”
“Social anxiety can be worsened if there’s a sense of not being able to control the variables. It’s good to prepare for things, and eradicate the unknowns if possible, because milling around without a role or road map is really difficult for people with social anxiety.”
Here are some suggestions. You could ‘hit a party like a swat team’. “You might go to the venue early and suss out the layout.” Or get to a party early, and employ ‘tactical positioning’ (perhaps stand near a door that could take you somewhere to decompress).
If you know certain people are coming, perhaps think up some topics or questions – for instance, about their job or hobbies –preferably something that you think may interest you. (Because if you’re bored, it shows.) “We also need to offer up interesting things about ourselves rather than waiting to be asked.”
Or assign yourself a role like the following. “You, an awkward, don an invisible hi-vis vest and become the champion of other unwitting awkwards, making a beeline for them in order to benevolently draw them into conversation.” Or you could be “snacks facilitator”.
One chapter’s called “turning small talk into bigger stuff” and the next is called “actually, fuck small talk”. Absolutely everyone dislikes small talk, Jenny says. “It’s a sandwich with no filling.I find people who excel at it tend to gamify it. Like, saying, ‘let’s all rate the artwork here’ or ‘name three songs you’d play on a long car journey’. I find that even more taxing – like I’ve got to perform. Extroverts sometimes do things like that to try and bring everyone into the conversation.”
Jenny asked her social-media followers to give her their favourite ‘IRL conversation starters’. Some goodies? ‘Have you ever done a runner?’ and ‘tell me the most boring fact about you’. One follower said “people with social anxiety have a tendency to take too much responsibility for conversations being awkward.” Good point. And if a conversation is stilted, or there’s a little faux pas, so what?
Jenny’s final chapter is called ‘Are you a control freak?’. I ask her if people with social anxiety sometimes need to let go of control? “Well, I think there are healthy and unhealthy ways of trying to control things. Unhealthy: having a few drinks to reach the ‘perfect’ level of confidence.”
Healthy? Rather than a face-to-face conversation at a party or coffee catch-up, you might socialise in a less intense ‘shoulder-to-shoulder’ setting – like group jogging, games’ night, or a working bee. “It’s that idea of recognising what you struggle with, what you’re better at, and swapping out X for Y.” Perhaps we’re reimagining how we socialise.