Welcome to TBH – To Be Honest – Capsule’s monthly column with our columnist and old pal, Brodie Kane! This month, Brodie shares a dating story from her friend Caitlin that is a red-flag bingo for all the bad dates women have to put themselves through in order to find love. Is it worth it, Brodie asks, and why isn’t it okay for women to say they’re done with dating?
And for her previous columns, click here!
The last time I wrote about dating I told you I was going to treat it like a business. I’m happy to report that if that were the case, the business would have absolutely gone under.
I haven’t been on a single date since I spoke to you last. Does that upset me? Not in the slightest. Life has so much good stuff in it, that adding in the toxic, depressing, soul-destroying activity that is dating – particularly on dating apps (or sifting through rubbish bin, as I like to describe it) – ain’t got no place.
If you’re thinking, “no Brodie! Don’t give up!” well… you’re probably not single, haha. Let this story I’m about to share with you be a case study in understanding why single girls are giving up.
And to be clear, this story is one of many dating disasters and just one example of the absolute bullshit that amazing women have to put up with that I could share with you, from the amazing community of women I have in my life.
It is not good out there, folks.
My beautiful friend and The Girls Uninterrupted co-host Caitlin Marett does a better job of making an effort on the dating scene than me. But with more effort comes more disasters (that’s not on Cailtin, by the way!!) to put the rest of us off and the latest is a DOOZY.
Caitlin was down in Queenstown for a girls’ trip and skiing weekend. DREAM weekend right? She hopped on Bumble because best you believe there’s usually a good extra variety of men down there during the high season to maybe increase your chances of finding a decent one.
She matched with a guy. He didn’t muck around, and immediately asked Caitlin out on a date. Caitlin was like, ‘Shit yeah, let’s go!’ They agreed on a time, she got dollybirded up and was ready to go.
She met the guy – we’ll call him RF for Red Flag* – he hugged her and grabbed her arse. RED FLAG STRAIGHT AWAY.
They sat down to dinner and drinks, and Caitlin knew pretty early on this wasn’t going to be a good date. She could not get a word in whatsoever with RF, he spoke AT her the entire time, so she drank away the pain.
She then did what all of us do, which is go to the bathroom to figure out what the fuck to do next/how to get out of the situaton.
She went back to the table, and explained to RF that this wasn’t going to work, to which he replied, “You fucking girls, you always want to meet nice guys and I’m right fucking here”. !!!! Now, our Caitlin is a people pleaser, and despite her date just bursting at the seams with red flags, she tried to calm the situation and suggested a drink at a bar.
They went to a bar, which is where she met some girls and guys who were much more fun than RF. Let’s be clear, she’s already explained to RF she didn’t think it was going to work. She wanted out of this situation.
She and her new pals decided to leave, and so they did.
Moments later, she gets a message from RF: “Really???”
And then her gal pal responded, “Sorry I couldn’t say goodbye, I waited out the front a bit for you but I’m out with Sarah* and Craig* now. Have a great night.”
To which, RF responded:
“You are just another brainless skank who’s going to get used by every man she meets until she is impregnated by some abusive alcoholic… standard dumb c*nt.”
Now I don’t think I need to break down or explain to you how many levels of awful, inappropriate and downright offensive all of that is. Totally 1000 percent inexcusable. Thank goodness Caitlin was safe and with other people to be able to get her out of that situation. Oh yeah but wait there’s more. HE TURNED UP AT THE NEXT BAR.
He went to come over to Cailtin and when her friend interrupted and said “Absolutely not, RF!” he replied that he just wanted to give her a hug. Then he leaned over and called her an “evil bitch”.
Now, at this point we’re thinking ok, RF is a real piece of work. No woman should ever have to deal with any of RF’s behaviour. And unless RF gets some help, RF will likely be angry and alone forever. But here’s the thing, he’s not the only RF out there.
And before anyone says “yeah but not all men”, check yourself. If that is your FIRST thought after hearing this story, you simply don’t get it. No shit, ‘not all men’, but there are plenty of men who behave in alarming ways that women are dealing with on a regular basis in that nauseating pursuit to find love.
Which brings me to the back to the start. If that is what we have to go through then, seriously, what IS the point? Why would we bother going through disaster after disaster to find the one thing that everyone still thinks is a societal norm/measure of success? Why should that be acceptable?
Now, Caitlin being the legend she is, is now able to laugh it off, and shit, it’s a good yarn to share over a wine as we all laugh through gritted teeth and joke, “another one bites the dust”.
But I couldn’t help but think how much it made me not only furious for her, but also reaffirmed that, actually, going through that just isn’t worth it.
Does that mean I’m giving up? No. But I will also do everything in my power to not go through something like that. If that means dating completely dries out until it feels right, then let’s celebrate making those decisions, and NOT telling our single friends: “he’s out there,” or “it’ll happen when you least expect it,” or “you’re a catch”. Because currently, he’s not out there. And currently, it’s not happening. Let’s normalise that instead.
To hear more of Brodie, jump onto her podcasts The Girls Uninterrupted and Kiwi Yarns
* names have been changed by Capsule, despite not being deserved so in RF’s case, because we simply do not have the energy to be sent more threatening letters and he sounds like the kind of person who probably would.
