In the age of low-energy dating culture, we need to get better at flirting. How do we do it?
Capsule x Bumble
There are some things that just don’t go together in life – cheese on a fish burger (come at me), brown shoes with black suits, Donald Trump and a coherent thought.
Kiwis and flirting!?
My single days were dotted with two things – horrific pick-up lines: “Are you a BP pie at 3am because I’d happily blow you… safer communities together *wink*’ was a genuine one I got that I’m pretty sure did the rounds around 2017 – or absolutely nothing at all: ‘chur’ ‘howzit’ or the one that every ‘enlightened’ man thought would get the feels going in a millennial, ‘hey girl’.
Ryan Gosling, I can assure you, they were not.
Whether in person or on apps, the lack of flirting ability in Antipodeans (in my case men, but let’s be honest, it’s probably not a gender-specific thing, I know what I was like on dates) is a real issue. Sure, we’re more down-to-earth, more level-headed, more pragmatic than some of our European counterparts but tell me this – what romance movie has ever been built on pragmatism!?
Fucking NONE of them. Deep down we want Spanish passion, French flair, Italian cheekiness. God damn it, we want Continental flirting!
Capsule editorial director Emma agrees – fresh from European summer (I know, I know) she couldn’t believe the difference between Kiwi men and their Italian equivalents – and, as she points out with as much emphasis as possible, she was, at all times, holding a BABY.
“Even though I was holding a squawking toddler or with my husband, Italian men have a way of really looking at you that manages to be flirty but never gross,” she says. “It’s an art? Whereas back when I was single in NZ if you ever made *meaningful eye contact * with a man across the bar, they would panic and look away.”
There’s been much made of our frustration at the lack of ‘low effort dating’ – you know, when you have plans with someone to go out to a nice restaurant or see a movie, which gets changed at the last minute to Netflix and takeaways – so why are we settling for next-to-no flirting?
I asked some of my single gals if a lack of flirting was still an issue – I got a lot of eye rolls, cry-laughing emojis (yes, young people, we are still definitely using them) and long-winded voice memos back.
‘I’ve given up trying to find a man with game – I just don’t think it’s in a Kiwi bloke’s DNA’
‘I think I’m the issue with flirting. I have no confidence in my sensuality I guess, and I figure that’s where good flirting comes from. What the fuck are you supposed to say when you’re flirting?!’
‘Do we even flirt in 2024 anymore? Is it anti-feminist? OR is it feminist to flirt because we WANT to flirt… that’s an interesting one actually, I’ll come back to you on that’ (I will say that comment was from a pal who’s read a lot of feminist writing recently and I’m pretty sure I caught her when she was a bottle of chardonnay down).
So yeah, we have a problem with flirting – it’s not a natural cultural fit, we don’t really know how to do it anymore, and it’s a whole lot harder when you’re trying to convey *flirt* over an app.
Research from our pals at Bumble backs up the lived experiences we’ve all suffered through – only seven per cent of Gen Zs and millennials are ‘very confident’ in their ability to flirt.
Australasian stats revealed that 70% of singletons reckon that flirting makes them feel ‘self-conscious’, with Gen Z in particular struggling with real-life connection-building and bridging the gap between online and in-person relationships.
So, why have we lost the art of flirting? (Or did we ever really have it?)
Well, the digital generation has never really had to solely rely on their IRL flirting skills, of course, but the notion that, for the most of us, our public-facing image are our social media pages – highlight reels, filtered images, curated captions – is a massive factor.
The real us? Not as polished, perfect or poised. And, not as confident.
Statistics from our Aussie cousins spell it out pretty well – 63% of single women report to having a huge fear of rejection, which leads to self-consciousness when flirting. A huge 42% of Gen Z’s say it’s the lack of experience of flirting that holds them back (what a catch 22) which is notably higher than millennials at 28%.
And, tellingly, 43% of singles reckon that flirting is the antidote to the low-effort dating culture experience, as it displays effort (of course) and communicates intention.
How do we fix the flirting problem?
Bumble sexologist Chantelle Otten says that we need to level-up our low-level dating culture.
“Flirting is all about having fun and bringing a little excitement to dating life. While it’s easier said than done, it’s time for singles to let go of their flirting fear. Confidence is sexy! It’s important to stay authentic to yourself when you’re flirting and don’t go too far out of your comfort zone. Remember, the key is to be genuine and to enjoy the process of getting to know someone, rather than stressing about making a perfect impression.”
She continues, “Flirting is an essential part of human connection. At its core, it’s about playful communication and showing genuine interest in another person. We need to rediscover and redefine what flirting means in today’s world, ensuring it remains a positive and engaging experience.”
Chantelle’s tips for upping your flirting game:
- Expand your flirting repertoire. Flirting can take on several forms – physical, verbal, emotional, sensual and digital – so experiment with what feels best for you. Each type provides a unique way to connect and can be mixed for a more fun experience:
- Physical flirting uses body language, touch and gestures to show interest.
- Verbal flirting involves playful conversation, including compliments, teasing and witty exchanges.
- Emotional flirting aims to build a deeper connection through meaningful chats, sharing stories and showing empathy.
- Sensual flirting engages the senses, using a soft voice, making eye contact, or subtly highlighting attraction.
- As for digital flirting, sending playful or flirty messages via text or social media, sharing memes or GIFs that express your feelings, or creating and exchanging music playlists are modern ways to flirt.
- Compliment creatively. For someone with low flirting confidence, verbal compliments are a simple yet effective way to begin – they can be genuine and specific without feeling overwhelming. Creative compliments feel more genuine and memorable than generic praise. Look through your match’s Interest Badges and bio on Bumble and pick out something unique to highlight, such as their sense of style or music taste. Ultimately, the goal is to make the other person feel valued and understood.
- Practice, practice, practice. Flirting is a skill that can be learned and improved with practice. Each interaction provides valuable experience, helping you refine your approach. Remember, authenticity is key, and being yourself will always make your flirting more effective and enjoyable. Don’t try to mimic what you think flirting should look like based on movies or social media (or, for the love of God, what you hear in a Kiwi pub).
- Use humour to break the ice. With humour being the most popular flirting style across the generations at 38%, it’s a no-brainer to add it to your flirting arsenal. A well-placed joke or light-hearted story can ease any tension and create a relaxed atmosphere. Not only does it make you more approachable but also helps to build a natural connection with the intended recipient.
- Reframe the fear of rejection. Rejection is a natural part of flirting and dating. Instead of seeing it as a negative outcome, view it as a learning experience.
- Leverage Bumble’s features to boost your confidence. If you don’t feel like you’re naturally flirty, don’t be afraid to lean on Bumble features such as Question Game or Compliments feature for help. Practising active listening and asking open-ended questions also helps create a natural flow of conversation both online and IRL.
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