The Confidence Collection is back! There’s not a single person on the planet who hasn’t suffered a crisis of confidence at one point or another (TRUST us!). SO, we present The Confidence Collection, (click here for our previous editions!) brought to you by our pals at Caci. We’ll be covering all areas of self-belief in all areas of life – dating, work, relationships, beauty and personal growth – with practical advice, words of wisdom from women who have seen it, lived it and conquered it, and everything in between.
In this edition, we’re getting real – for some of us, the last few years haven’t been the easiest of times. Let’s chat about re-finding your confidence after going through hard times – because gal, you are NOT alone!
I was chatting to a friend, Jess* last week, who’s been through a hell of a tough time of late – within six months she was made redundant from her job, lost a grandparent and went through money troubles serious enough for her to almost lose her house.
Unsurprisingly, she looked shattered – although, as she tells me, I’m out of the worst of it”, and she’s been doing all the right things – counselling, budgeting, grieving and focussing on herself.
“I think I’ve been feeling… disconnected, now, and flat,” she told me. “I think my brain had kind of shut itself off and I’ve just been going through the motions. I needed a little jump start.”
Her lot has been particularly grim over the last few months, but as we were yarning, we acknowledged that there’s a lot of people going through it at the moment – whether that’s work-related in *this economy*, emotional exhaustion after the compounding effects of pandemics, cost of living crisis and the ongoing geo-political mess that is the world, or the usual lows of life that, sure, make the highs higher, but still run themselves ragged over our face, emotions and every other part of life.
Not to be a Debby Downer, of course – and although grief and tough times are inevitable, what is also true is that Kiwi women, especially, are bloody fantastic at resilience and simply getting through the rollercoaster of life.
So, if you’ve experienced anything that’s ranged from niggly to traumatic over the last few years (so, everyone?), how the hell do you get your spark back?
How to find your joy again
Dr Lucy Hone, all-around oracle and wise head (and the director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience) says that when you’ve been through hard times, “resilient people are good at noticing the good. It sounds small, but it’s powerful”.
That’s all well and good, sure, but it can be bloody hard when you can’t see much light at the end of the tunnel.
So where do we begin when we’ve had enough of being sad and negative, but don’t know how to change it?
1. Start your days, or meetings, with sharing ‘the good stuff’. Yes, we’re talking about gratitude here, but in a structured, practical way that’s easy to do and gets your brain boosted and ready to go in a positive light. Says Dr Lucy, “Research shows how vital experiencing positive emotions is for our resilience. Negative emotions are contagious, and prolonged feelings of helplessness are strongly associated with depression. Given negative emotions and experiences stick to us like Velcro while positive emotions and experiences bounce off like Teflon, aim to punctuate your days, evenings, weeks and weekends with as many positive emotion experiences as possible.” By starting your day with positive news, feelings or thoughts, you’ll be more likely to be receptive of further positivity as the day goes on. Dr Lucy adds, “Barb Fredrickson from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill identifies ten different positive emotions to consider: love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration and awe. Frequency, not longevity, is key.”
2. Little rituals make the world of difference. Dr Jaime Lee, founder and CEO of Health Quotient, says that when you’re on the joy-finding journey, setting up ‘anchor points’ can help – in fact, they’ve helped her in the past. “I started developing little rituals to ground myself – in other words, setting up my home base. I drink tea and meditate every morning, so when I travel, I take the same tea with me and always set aside some time for mindfulness… These sound like small things, but they’re invaluable in helping my nervous system feel anchored and less vulnerable to stress factors in my environment.
“There’s a quote by Dr Kristin Neff that really helps me through tough times: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need”. Whenever I’m going through a period of uncertainty, it’s always good to remind ourselves that ‘this too shall pass’. It’s important to acknowledge the uncertainty, as opposed to pretending it’s not there.”
3. Invest in yourself. You need a strong foundation to build yourself back up again and find your joy, and your confidence. First of all – repeat after me, queen. You deserve to feel amazing again. Look, it’s been a time, there’s no beating around the bush. But confidence doesn’t need you to have it all together – it just needs you to SHOW UP. Sometimes, looking amazing can really help you start to feel amazing and give you bump you need to keep going with everything else. It’s not about changing yourself, it’s about reconnecting with who you actually are – and having that be reflected back to the world. There’s a huge power in looking in the mirror and seeing your true self – so, gal, go ahead and book that skin treatment at Caci, or the massage, or the mani-pedi. Confidence is there – you just have to go looking!
4. Be gentle with growth, and lean on your connections. Jess’ journey is still ongoing, but as she emerges from what she calls “the worst f-ing time of my life”, she says what’s gotten her through has been realising that she couldn’t do it all alone, or at once. She’s been seeing a great counsellor once a week, and realising that she was having cash-flow problems, she was proactive, and spoke to both her bank and a budgeting service. This was the first step in getting back her confidence, she tells. “I know I’m an independent gal, so I really leant into that and started problem-solving. It helped me feel in control.” But she also realised that getting her spark was going to be a process, not an overnight sensation. “I just started chipping away at things I could control – mindful of my budget, of course, but I got a haircut and my eyebrows shaped, so I could walk into job interviews confident. I rallied friends and family, who were amazing and offered so many layers of support.”
Eventually, things began to come right, one by one.” Now, a few months on from her lowest, Jess has a new (fantastic) job, and is slowly rebuilding her savings. “I’m not 100% yet, but I’m getting there,” she tells. “And I’m really looking forward to this new stage of my life!”
