The Confidence Collection is back! There’s not a single person on the planet who hasn’t suffered a crisis of confidence at one point or another (TRUST us!). SO, we present The Confidence Collection, (click here for our previous editions!) brought to you by our pals at Caci. We’ll be covering all areas of self-belief in all areas of life – dating, work, relationships, beauty and personal growth – with practical advice, words of wisdom from women who have seen it, lived it and conquered it, and everything in between.
In this edition, we’re getting real about motherhood, and how it’s a tough road to find yourself in a sea of hormones, baby cries and a changed body. But there is a way back to full confidence – and maybe it’s not quite what you’re expecting! Alice Hampson reveals her own battle:
It was some ungodly hour of the night. My son was nearly a year old and was going through a brain-melting phase of waking up every single hour of the night. I was balancing a lack of sleep with being back at work, trying to do the juggle so many women – and men – know only so well.
A walking zombie, but confident I’d settled my little guy back to sleep, I shuffled back to bed, passing the bathroom on my way back. Which is when I absolutely jumped out of my skin.
There was someone else in the house. Another woman. She looked like someone’s mum.
It took me much too long that night to realise that the intruder woman was actually my own reflection in the mirror.
I was the mum. I was the one who looked so different. So much older. So mum-like.
And it wouldn’t be the only time. There would be so many times I’d look in the mirror and get a surprise at who I would see. Who was this old lady? Who was this mum?!? Where had I gone? And how quickly could I get down to Caci for a pamper session?!
The process of becoming a mother – what’s called matresence – is the absolute biggest change we can go through as women. It turns everything on its head, dramatically altering our hormones, our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our relationships and our identity – not to mention our confidence.
So, it’s hardly surprising that for most women, it can be a very challenging transition. You can feel a rollercoaster of different emotions. There’s so much joy, but yes, you can also get to know guilt, frustration and exhaustion oh so well. And, you can definitely find yourself struggling with confidence, in many different aspects of your life.
Your mind has changed, but your body has also been through a huge change. Our own lovely Meg Mansel wrote this story about reclaiming her ‘mum tum’ which I so often reference, or talk to my friends about. There’s so much pressure to ‘bounce back’ after having a baby… but why?!?
“When I sit and really think about my stomach and how it became the way that it is today, my mind boggles at how I can possibly feel shame about it,” wrote Meg. “But I do! I do. That soft, hanging, stretched-out belly that is so openly hated by society, but that once grew life in it, is something I am still trying to get my head around three years after having my daughter.”
Our bodies are suddenly different, but our everyday lives are so very different too. The structure of going to work, has gone. The structure of sleeping eight hours has gone!
A 2023 study found that 62% of new mothers feel they have lost a part of their identity and 95% said they felt guilty. The most common answer to the question of ‘what do you find the biggest challenge you face daily?’ was making time for myself (31%). Other answers included the cost of raising children (19%), childcare (17%), balancing work and home life (14%), and feeling overwhelmed with information on how to be a good parent (10%).
I was very lucky in that when I went back to work after having a baby, it was at Capsule – a company I co-owned and could ease back into, gradually doing more and more hours, while working from home. (Of course, the downside of working for yourself though is you certainly don’t get that six months or full year maternity leave bubble!) But still, when I returned to work I was surprised by how much self-doubt was creeping in.
Could I still do this?! Did I even know how to do this?! Was I any good at it anymore?! Was I a massive fraud?! A failure?!
A few years down the track now, with the benefit of hindsight, I have so much compassion for that version of myself. Now I can see that if anything, becoming a mother made me better at my job. I had a new experience that I could bring to my day job, a different perspective and understanding that could only enrich Capsule. And, I hate to admit it (because my very busy former self hated hearing people say this), but I became a lot more efficient and could get through work so much faster. I no longer procrastinated, because, well, I just didn’t have that luxury of time.
WHO is this woman?
Capsule reader Kate says one of her lower points of new motherhood was making a spreadsheet mapping out some financial possibilities, a PowerPoint presentation to her mother suggesting she look after her newborn on her day off each week, and then an email in her drafts folder to her boss saying that actually, she didn’t need the year off for maternity leave that she’d been given and she’d like to start back at work as soon as possible.
Her daughter was eight days old.
“I was like, wracked with guilt, because we’d done IVF to have her, but, I hated the early days of being a mum,” says Kate. “I loved our little girl, but I found motherhood so overwhelming. I felt suffocated. I had no time for myself – having a shower on my own for 10 minutes felt like such a luxury. She needed me so, so much and it felt all-consuming. The idea of doing this for a year was terrifying. I thought that going back to work might fix it because I could just go back to being me, but, I couldn’t send that email because I suddenly felt like I’d be terrible at my job!”
PADA educator and registered nurse (with a Masters in Public Health) Liora Noy says this is oh so common. Particularly in those early days, it’s a constant tug of war between who you were and who you are now as a parent.
“We have to recognise that becoming a parent is a process, it doesn’t happen in a moment,” she says. “It takes time to learn our new role in the world.”
It’s a difficult transition though, because a new baby throws us straight in the deep end of learning this new role – and, we’re doing it while our hormones have dropped off a cliff, our body is going through a massive change and, oh, we’re getting next to no sleep.
“How do we take care of this baby who is so dependent on us, while we also take care of ourselves – which I think is one of the biggest struggles in the first few weeks and months were there is just no time,” she says. “There can also be a huge gap between your expectations of being a mum, and the reality. It can be a painful process, which we often aren’t expecting.”
Kate says that thankfully she didn’t end up sending that email to her boss and that yes, she just needed some time to get used to the new role. Although, she still had a process of grieving her old life.
“It might sound shallow, but I missed just getting to do what I wanted!” says Kate. “There was no more just popping out to the shops, or to see a movie or meet a friend for a wine. Everything took planning – and even then, everything might have to change in an instant!”
Kate says one thing that really helped was ‘Kate Sundays’. It was actually her husband’s suggestion – it started as an afternoon thing then, once their daughter was on formula, became a full day. One day a week where her husband was in sole charge of the baby and Kate could do whatever she wanted – a treatment, lunch with friends, or just a chance to wander round a mall, aimlessly.
Get your sparkle and your confidence
A few things seriously helped me get my confidence and sense of self back after becoming a mother. Time proved to be the biggest one – like Liora says, it’s a process!
One thing was though, trying to put in some structure where I could. Most mornings before my husband left for work I’d sit down and have a coffee – preferably outside in the sun if I could – before getting on with my day. I made an effort to get changed every morning – the temptation was there to stay my milk-stained pjs and robe all day, but putting on day (but still comfy) clothes, doing a little skincare routine and even putting on some tinted moisturiser or under-eye concealer gave me a little pep up. Instead of rushing to do work once my son was down for a nap, I’d spend the first 10 minutes doing a Headspace meditation.
Just after he turned one I went away to Sydney for work for two days, one night – the first night I’d ever spent alone from him. When my husband asked what my favourite part of it was – maybe the fun party event I went to, those crisp glasses of Champagne, or those hours to myself to watch movies on the plane? – we were both surprised by my answer. It was sitting alone in the café at the bottom of the hotel, having a coffee and breakfast all on my own, reading the paper, catching up on things on my phone, or just people watching or staring out the window. “Well, that’s achievable to recreate at home,” he said. So, I started taking myself out for breakfast when I could. Sometimes I’d meet a friend, or sometimes I’d just sit there, soaking in my alone time.
As my son has got older and has got into daycare – on the advice of naturopath (and great advice giver) Annaliese Jones, I’ve made sure that I don’t use every one of those hours for working, and carve out some hours that are for me. In my own version of Kate Sundays – Alice Saturdays! – every couple of weeks I got to Caci in Epsom for a little treatment – I’ve been doing a course of micro-needling alongside some hydrating facials which is making me feel fresher, and taking away some of that hyperpigmentation that pregnancy gifted me. And, I’ve kept up my café dates with myself.
The Experts Weigh In…
Three parenting experts have a piece of advice each for reclaiming your confidence and new identity as a mother:
“Focus on one tiny shift at a time”
Licensed counsellor Rachel Glik says that little changes are the key to adjusting to motherhood and getting some balance. “The hopelessness that many burned-out moms face is in part a side effect of an exhausted brain,” she says. “A small change may not seem like it will make a difference, but it’s actually the best way to climb out of the cycle of burnout. This can mean a micro-rest, one tiny step, or a subtle mental re-frame.”
She suggests a little shift could be as simple as putting in a boundary that you won’t reply to work texts or emails after 6pm. Perhaps you might let go of having ‘perfect’ dinners, or give yourself five minutes of calm in the car before picking up your kids.
“Embrace ‘two truths’ thinking”
Kelly Siebold, a postpartum depression and anxiety survivor, plus CEO of Thrive Postpartum, says that holding onto the idea that two things can be true at the same time, is hugely important. “You can be deeply grateful for motherhood and still miss the freedom of your old life,” she says. “Learning to accept that both emotions can exist at once can help ease guilt and self-judgment.”
“Schedule ‘You Time’ like an appointment”
C.Lynn Williams, a parenting coach, author and speaker, recommends prioritising time every single day for yourself. Big things like booking yourself in for a Caci facial or a massage are important, but also, the everyday moments of calm add up. “Even 15 minutes a day to journal, walk, read, or just be can remind you that your needs matter too. Don’t cancel on yourself.” If you have more than a few minutes, reconnect with what lights you up. “Whether it’s painting, dancing, writing, or brunch with friends—do more of what feels like you. The more you nourish your spirit, the more you can pour into others with joy, not depletion.”
