The global Decentering Men movement has arrived in New Zealand. In Part One of our story, we explore what that is, and talk to two women who are ‘decentering men’.
Wellingtonian Mel*, 43, has just learned about the existence of the Decentering Men movement, which sees women no longer giving men a central place in their lives. Mel has also just learned about the existence of the related South Korea-based 4B movement, where women refuse to date men, get married, or have children.
Mel has been decentering men, just without knowing there’s a term for it, let alone a movement. But now she has something to call it.
“Right now, I’m leaving my marriage in order to decenter the role of men and the patriarchy in my life. So yeah, I’m walking the talk on this to the extent I’m leaving my husband over it.”
Mel doesn’t want to go into details about the separation, but is happy to talk about decentering men generally. “For me, it’s started with focusing more on my female friendships and the incredible amount of love I receive from them. We receive love from many different sources, and it doesn’t all have to be tied up in in romance.”
Mel brings things back to the system around us. “I’ve been trying to examine deeply what the patriarchy’s effect is on my life and the lives of other women – and how insidious it is.”
“I’ve been talking with friends about these things a lot. We have these conversations often, normally just one on one on the phone, in person or over video call. My two closest friends, we’re all trying to do it [decenter men].” It’s not something she asked them to do with her. “Independently, the same kind of things have come up for us.”
“For me, these issues didn’t come up until I was a mother, and trying to share care of a child with my male partner. For so many women, that’s the point at which [the impact of] the patriarchy really sets in, even if it hasn’t been so obvious previously. This is a constant topic of discussion with my female friends who are also mothers. It’s interesting to learn that, with the 4B movement, some women have reached their conclusions at an earlier point [before having a child].”
“My closest friend listened to me talking on the phone about these things and she just said ‘I see you’. And I thought, ‘gosh, I needed to hear that’. I needed to know that someone saw me. Men see us through their own filters. Even my closest male friends don’t see me like my female friends do.”
Mel has begun to “deprioritise” her friendships with men, which has been challenging for her to think about. “I haven’t ended any friendships with men, but I’ve allowed them less prominence in my life. It’s hard for me to ignore the behaviour of my male friends. It’s like, the way that one treated his last girlfriend wasn’t cool, or it’s not cool that another one is dating women 20 years younger than him. Whereas previously I haven’t said anything and thought ‘oh well, he’s a great friend’, I will now call them [out] and say ‘hey, why are you doing that or thinking like that? Like, where’s that coming from?”.
“But also I feel like it’s not my job to educate my male friends and point things out to them because that can be tiring, so it’s easier being with my female friends.”
So, What’s The 4B Movement?
To discuss the Decentering Men movement, we first need to look at the 4B Movement that began in South Korea in the early 2020s. The title of Anna Louie Sussman’s article about this in thecut.com is called ‘The 4B Movement: Encouraging Women to Say No to Dating, Marriage, and Having Kids’. The story’s standfirst is ‘A World Without Men: the women of South Korea’s 4B movement aren’t fighting the patriarchy – they’re leaving it behind entirely’.”
As Sussman writes, “4B is shorthand for four Korean words that all start with bi-, or “no”: The first no, bihon, is the refusal of heterosexual marriage. Bichulsan is the refusal of childbirth, biyeonae is saying no to dating, and bisekseu is the rejection of heterosexual sexual relationships. It is both an ideological stance and a lifestyle, and many women I spoke to extend their boycott to nearly all the men in their lives, including distancing themselves from male friends.”
As the article says, “4B, or ‘practicing bihon,’ is the only path by which a Korean woman today can live autonomously. In their view, Korean men are essentially beyond redemption, and Korean culture, on the whole, is hopelessly patriarchal — often downright misogynistic.” And also, often, dangerous.
“In South Korea, where cases of femicide, revenge porn, and dating violence are widespread, a surge in spy-cam sex crimes, overwhelmingly committed by men, had mostly resulted in fines and suspended jail sentences, if they were prosecuted at all.” Meanwhile a woman who posted a photo of a nude male model online was jailed. Protests ensued, where some women shaved their heads.
That’s because of the “escape the corset” movement that began in 2018 in South Korea, as some young women shaved their heads, and stopped wearing makeup, tired of pressure to look a certain way.
Some women in the 4B movement have meshed their lives with female friends, living together platonically and ideally for life.
Don’t Need No Man!
It’s hard to pinpoint a single point of origin for the Decentering Men movement, but it began at around the same time as the 4B movement. Arguably a little less ‘extreme’, the Decentering Men movement sees women no longer giving men a central place in their lives – or at least not letting the presence or absence of a man define a woman’s worth. It reflects evolving feminist thought around the patriarchy and the place of women. After all, only in recent years have (some) women become economically independent enough to be able to remain single.
The Decentering Men movement is now gaining traction around the world. Some people are calling it a new wave of feminist self-care. “This introspection,” an article says, “has led to a critical examination of how patriarchal values have historically prioritized men, often at the expense of women’s self-worth and needs.”
Kirsty*, a 30-year-old from Auckland, certainly sees it that way. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about what men thought of me and I’m just so over it. I’m so over brushing off and overlooking men’s bad behaviour. The sexism, the misogyny, the biases against women – it’s not just Donald Trump who thinks like this, though of course he is the most disgusting pig. Seeing men display some of his traits and behaviours are part of the reason I’m decentering men.” Having been sexually assaulted twice is part of the reason. “And don’t get me started on J.D. Vance’s misogyny. He’d call me a childless cat lady.”
Kirsty doesn’t want a romantic partner, and although she’s currently living alone, would like to be “flatmates for life” with another woman, platonically, for financial and companionship reasons. She doesn’t want children. “And I have a vibrator that can do things that men rarely could.”
“I don’t hate men but I prefer life without them. And I don’t think that’s a crazy thing.” But some of the friends and family members she’s told think her stance is bizarre and/or that it will pass. “It won’t,” Kirsty says.
In an article called ‘How Decentering Men Transformed My Life’, American writer Aysia Morton says that “growing up, I noticed it was common for young girls to have their lives revolve around pleasing boys and men”.
“As I got older I realised that men’s influence runs especially deep for Black women. Men, as a group, control every societal, political and economic structure. Being a Black woman felt exhausting. My entire life seemed consciously and unconsciously catered to the male gaze.”
“Society tells us that men’s opinions and standards matter the most. Stepping back from that idea has been a game-changer for me. In fact, decentering men transformed my life.”
Check in a few days time’ for Part 2 of our story on the Decentering Men movement, which asks: is it radical or rational?
