How do we feel about the term ‘midlife’? What clarity might it bring? What stereotypes should be squashed? And what counts as middle aged? We talk to three women thriving in midlife.
Four years ago, my mum told me I was entering middle age gracefully. I was like ‘what? I’m only 40!’. I did NOT like being called middle-aged. I just wasn’t ready for that descriptor. Now, at 44, I’m kinda still resisting the term, even though I know I qualify.
FYI, the terms ‘midlife’ and ‘middle age’ mean much the same thing, but I prefer the former.
Human-development professor Soomi Lee has authored an article called ‘Midlife Isn’t A Crisis’. “Today’s adults are living longer and healthier lives than previous generations,” she writes. “Also, the demands of establishing a career while building a family have increased. That’s why some researchers have started referring to the period occurring roughly from age 30 to 45 as ‘established adulthood’, distinguishing it from midlife as it was previously understood.”
‘“How we age is influenced by a dynamic interchange between our biology, personal histories and cultural narratives.’
So… hooray? Because that means I have two months before I become middle-aged, and – given that Covid prevented me having a 40th birthday party – perhaps I’ll have a 45th party that celebrates (or at least acknowledges) my transition to midlife. Until then I’ll be clinging to the category of ‘established adulthood’!
However, Soomi also writes that, generally, people (as opposed to researchers) think midlife begins at age 44. Reader, should I still have that party? (I suspect the answer is yes.)
Soomi adds that, in the 1990s, people generally agreed that midlife began at age 35. Say what?
Then again, in the 1990s, I probably considered my mum and her friends to be middle-aged in their late 30s. And I considered a woman who used to babysit us to be elderly. Forty-plus years later, she’s still alive (aged around 90).
Stages, Not Age
In a Psychology Today story called ‘The Richness of Middle Age’, psychologist Cecilia Dintino writes that “for decades, developmental psychologists have divided our lives into stages, each with predetermined tasks and goals. Our lifetimes have been chunked into parts: infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, old age.”
“However, there does seem to be a gap starting around 50.” Not much research around middle age has happened, she says. “It’s as if a veil descends and our destination becomes blurred in the middle years. Yet this is a large passage of life, perhaps even the largest.”
“How we age,” she adds, “is influenced by a dynamic interchange between our biology, personal histories and cultural narratives.”
Midlife isn’t necessarily to do with a certain age but rather a certain stage – one that involves changing roles. Adults often have four key roles – paid worker or homemaker, spouse or partner, parent, and adult child to a parent. And this involves transition points when, for instance, your children leave home or your parents die.
Certainly, some women don’t want to identify all that much with being in midlife, because they might not like the word, or don’t feel middle-aged, or might dislike the narrative that comes with it. However, the entrenched idea that midlife involves a crisis, or a downward slide, actually lacks scientific support.
Let’s not buy into that notion. As psychology professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne writes in a Psychology Today story, “rather than midlife being a time of crisis, it can be one of positive growth and optimism”.
A Time Of Career Change
For Hannah*, a 49-year-old from Wairarapa, midlife has been about growth marked by changing roles. When Hannah was 38, her mum died and, shortly afterwards, the youngest of Hannah’s three kids started school. “That was a time of reflection,” she says. After many years as a stay-at-home mum, Hannah had lost confidence, career-wise. But she started studying, excelled, and began a new career in politics, which she really enjoys.
“I don’t like considering myself middle-aged but I am! I was scared of turning 40, then I realised the alternative is worse, right?” As in, not being alive. “That’s the same with turning 50 soon. Although I’m not chuffed about it, I’m not scared of it.”
“When I was 43, my then-husband was talking about retirement. I thought ‘gosh, I’m not at that point at all. I’ve got so much I can do. I’m not slowing down. I still have a real lust for life’.” Hannah and her husband broke up shortly afterwards, and she’s a happy single parent.
What does the word ‘midlife’ mean to Hannah? “I think midlife has more negative connotations for women than it does for men. There’s this idea that women getting close to 50 are kind of past their use-by date and sort of disappear, whereas a man can get close to 50 and still be a bit of a silver fox. Society has a lot to answer for.”
Hannah doesn’t think a specific age is the entry point to midlife. “I think it’s more the events that happen to you – and your movement through life phases – that indicate midlife.” She thinks perimenopause – specifically, getting the right treatment for it – can help you see clearly what you do and don’t want, including what you won’t put up with.
“There are lots of changes for women in midlife, because you’re no longer called upon by everybody for everything. It was ‘oh she’s a mother, a sister and a daughter’, then it’s like, ‘hang on, I’m actually a person who isn’t defined by those roles’.”
A Time Of Redefining Success
Lily*, an early childhood educator from Christchurch, is in a transition period. “I’ve just entered midlife. I’m only 44, so I don’t really feel middle-aged in my head, but my body’s telling me I am because perimenopause has started.”
“I’m redefining who I am as a person, what I like, enjoy and want to do! I always thought success was doing really well in your career, having a big house, having lots of money. I now think it’s more about prioritising what’s really important in life: relationships and wellbeing.”
Lily and her husband are really reimagining their lives. “We’ve decided to sell our home and downsize, reduce our work hours, and focus less on our careers and more on personal fulfilment.” Their three teenagers are still at home. “I want to spend more time with our kids particularly before they leave home, travel, get into the great outdoors, slow life down.”
When Lily becomes an “empty nester”, that will be another transition. “I’ll be quite sad, actually. But it’ll also be a time for my husband and I to reconnect and focus on our relationship, which was rather neglected while we were more focused on career, financial success and raising kids.”
What does the word ‘midlife’ mean to Lily? For a long time, she associated the word with her mum. “Now I sort of am my mum? I remember my grandma when she was in her 50s, and she was more like what women today are in their 70s. Just two generations ago! I think that today, most people in midlife are more energetic than people from previous generations. We still do lots of stuff. We still want to look good. We haven’t moved into our tracksuit phase.” (Nothing against tracksuits.)
“Also I think in midlife, you often become more comfortable with who you are, and not so worried about others’ opinions.”
A Time Of Personal Growth
Cassie*, a 45-year-old Wellington teacher with children aged 8 and 11, has considered herself in midlife since age 41. “I don’t think the word ‘midlife’ has positive connotations, particularly for women. It’s often coupled with the word ‘crisis’. I think that, with men, a midlife crisis is thought of as ‘oh, they’re getting a flashy car, and maybe a new girlfriend’. Whereas for women, there’s this idea of decline in midlife, as though it’s all downhill from here.”
“But actually, midlife can be a time of real personal growth. Because before that point, women are sort of not allowed personal growth. It’s as though we’re here to nurture and care for others, not ourselves. I think that’s what we’re up against as women, though that’s something we’re trying to change.”
It’s not just about women caring for their kids. For instance, Cassie’s mother cared for her nuclear family, then her mother and her mother-in-law. It was, as you can imagine, exhausting.
Cassie – who split from her husband a year ago mutually and amicably – says perimenopause has been her transition point into midlife. “When you lose control over your hormones, you’re like, ‘I’m not putting up with crap anymore. I haven’t got the capacity to be my husband’s mother, give everything to my job, and come home grumpy to my kids’.” She’s now largely on top of her perimenopause symptoms, but she’s not going back to exhausting herself. “Also, my independence is growing again now that my kids need me in a different way.”
For Cassie, midlife so far has been a time of reflection and progress. “Now my financial security is more assured, and I have more life experience. I’ve learnt from mistakes, conversations with friends and family, study and doing my job, and I know myself better than ever. I can use all that to ask ‘what could my future look like?’. When I’m 70, I won’t be parenting and hopefully won’t be working anymore. So what do the next 25 years look like? Firstly, I want to be working in a role I enjoy. It’s all quite exciting!”
“In midlife,” she adds, thoughtfully, “I think many women feel more empowered to stop accepting mediocre jobs or mediocre relationships. Something I see with friends my age is that we’re less tolerant of unhappy situations. We have less tolerance for bullshittery. We have plenty of time left in our lives but, also, we don’t have time to waste.”
Two of her friends have just retrained, and Cassie is taking some time away from teaching “to take stock and have a rethink”.
So, I wonder, could moving into midlife be a time for a reset and realignment, acknowledging that changes are happening, but also walking with life experience and confidence into our future?