Issues with relationships are often exacerbated during the summer break. What if you could make a ‘mission statement’ to kick off the new year as a couple and bring in some couple goals to your new year resolutions?
In the new year, many of us are looking to set goals around areas including health, fitness, careers and finances. If you have a partner, what about also setting goals for improving your relationship?
That doesn’t just mean addressing big or ‘middle-sized’ problems. There may be smaller irritants that could later become bigger ones (for instance, you’re increasingly shouldering the mental load). You might feel things are okay, but worrying about (for instance, a drop-off in intimacy). Perhaps things are mainly good, but some areas need work (for instance, conflict management).
Dr Nicole Pray – a New Zealand clinical psychologist who works with individuals and couples, and who runs weekend workshops for couples – recommends being proactive, not just reactive, when it comes to working on your relationship.
How Christmas Can Make Couple Stress Worse
Over her 27 years in practice, Nicole has noticed a pattern this time of year: that the festive season and the holiday break can actually exacerbate, rather than alleviate, stress. That might be stress about work (for instance, your workload or worrying about redundancy), stress from family (for instance, dynamics around Christmas), or financial stressors (for instance, the cost of the festive season).
And when there’s an expectation, or at least a hope, that the holidays will improve things – and then that doesn’t happen – this can be upsetting.
“And if the couple has been in a state of non-connection for a while,” Nicole says, “then the holidays are almost an anniversary of reminding them of that disconnection. I’ve seen couples, who have avoided addressing conflict for a long time, that get this sensation of dread during the holidays, like ‘oh gosh, I remember this feeling from last year’.”
Nicole says that partners feeling disconnection in their relationship tend to feel alone “and so they might think, ‘if I want something done, then I need to do it myself’.” But both partners are likely feeling alone and both need to be involved in making things better, Nicole says.
“Goals are great, but we don’t tend to spend time really envisioning what we DO want.” More than 50% of the cortex – the surface of the brain – is devoted to processing visual information, she points out. “So why not use it?”
“There’s a relationship vision exercise that I love doing with couples. It’s ‘let’s create almost a ‘mission statement’ about what our ideal relationship could look like’. It can be incredibly unifying for couples, as they feel they’re on the same path together.” You could draw up a mutual vision list and have, say, a weekly or monthly meeting to discuss if you’re on target.
Let’s Talk About Sex (Goals)
When talking to your partner about physical and emotional intimacy, Nicole suggests focusing on what you do want, rather than what you don’t want. “So you’re communicating regularly about your wants and desires in the bedroom. It can include statements such as, “one thing that feels sensual or pleasurable to me is…’.”
Might you schedule sex? “Absolutely. Schedule, schedule, schedule. People are afraid that this [scheduling] means they’ve lost the spark. Well, guess what? If you don’t create the spark, you’re going to lose the spark. The scheduling is the way through that.”
Nicole also suggests a partner with a lower libido could schedule times to visualise physical intimacy or erotic pleasure, as a way to ‘prime’ the feeling of excitement and erotic pleasure before the actual event. Remember the power of the visual cortex?
“Very few couples will experience fireworks and orgasmic sex every time. Popular culture and media set up unrealistic expectations that ‘penis and vagina sex’ is always pleasurable for both partners. This just isn’t the case. Many women will be unable to experience orgasm this way and it’s important to include alternative methods such as vibrators, self-stimulation, or non-penetrative sexual intimacy.”
“The main focus can be about creating pleasure and connection, so the focus can be on sensuality rather than sexuality. If one or both partners feel exhausted, you can just agree to get naked, lay in bed, cuddle, and hold each other. Or you could keep your clothes on, spend a few minutes rubbing your partner’s back, arms or whichever area you’ve agreed on, and just experience pleasurable sensations and talk. It can be a time to really connect and feel vulnerable in each other’s presence.”
What if there are issues that affect your attitude to sex – for instance, weight gain, or body changes during perimenopause – that you’re sensitive about to the point that you don’t want to bring it up?
“So maybe someone doesn’t want to talk about it because her body shame will get in the way.” Nicole says someone might project her thoughts onto her partner, assuming that they think what she thinks. Nicole suggests fact-checking something like that with your partners by sharing your personal thoughts and where they come from in your past.
“But bottom line, it’s not about fact-checking. Discussions around sexual intimacy are around what it brings up for you. You could say ‘I don’t want to talk to you about my body-image concerns, and I’ve been holding this burden, and it makes me feel overwhelmed when I think of it’.” She says what’s most important is that, as a couple, you’ve created a safe space for the other person to talk about anything.
New Goals For A Constant Relationship
What other goals – or visualisations – might you make for your relationship?
One is actually travel. “Have regularly scheduled trips, even if you go camping. When couples go away together, they tend to get away from distractions and devices, and are more in connection with themselves and with each other.”
Wherever you are, do new things together. “There’s dopamine effect when we do something new, whether that’s eating a new meal or walking in a new area. It might be learning a new language, listening to a new comedian, or doing something with your partner at a different time of day than you normally would.” For instance, going out to lunch together.
“There’s a study that demonstrates that couples who had been together two decades – and still had the same intensity of dopamine as newlyweds – had figured out how to trigger ‘newness’ around each other. When you create the ‘newness’ together, your brain starts to associate the pleasure of this with being around your partner.”
What about date nights? “If you like date nights, great. But some of us don’t have much left in the tank in the evenings. So, create a Fun List together for date day or date night that’s about 30 items long. It could include higher- and lower-energy activities, such as playing pickleball or learning a new sport together, learning a new language, dancing in the living room to a music playlist, going to a new restaurant, playing a boardgame, or watching a new show together.
But avoid being on separate devices in the evening. “Devices will get in between you, even if you think they won’t.” The couples I’ve seen do the best with this have chosen two to three device-free nights a week.”
How To Tackle Financial Stress
If one partner primarily handles the finances, perhaps sit down and go through the bills and a budget, so one person doesn’t feel alone in the responsibility. And, Nicole says, if the partner who earns less feels a ‘shame cloud’, getting across finances might help them feel more empowered.
Learning About Your Conflict Style
“When you get into conflict, you can feel part of your limbic system rear up in self-protection, because you feel criticised by your partner. It’s about ‘catching’ that – and also recognising that both of you can get caught up in a degree of panic or shame.”
She says we can learn to calm our feelings of distress through breathing, and visualisation. We need to realise our partner feels distress too, and perhaps wait until a calmer time to talk about what each partner needed from one another in that situation.”
If someone wants to settle arguments right away? “You could say ‘I need to take space, but only to calm myself down and let’s come back to this’.” You choose a time in the next 24 hours that suits you both. “The other person needs that reassurance that you’ll come back to it.”
When To See A Couple’s Therapist? Earlier Than You Think
“Couples often say ‘there’s something wrong with us’ because they don’t know how to resolve their differences and they wrongly assume that means they’re different to other couples. They start questioning the relationship instead of learning that this is what all couples face, and that they can learn to see their conflicts as a source of growth rather than something to be avoided.”
Don’t let issues fester. And don’t wait until things are really bad before getting outside help – for instance, from a therapist with expertise in this field.
In fact, Nicole says the best time to see a professional is when you’re newly together.
“Start early. Then you’re learning what normal relationship stages will be. So when it hits the skids, you know what’s happening and there’s less of a ‘freak out’. You’re learning about your own and your partner’s emotional needs, your protection systems, how both of your childhood experiences will show up in the relationship. You’re learning that all this is normal and learning about what could help you both do things differently to get a better outcome for your relationship.”
