Here’s one woman’s story behind the difficult choice not to tell the man in question about an abortion – and a counsellor weighs in on the subject, as do men on Reddit…
At age 23, Kate*, to her shock, found herself pregnant, having had sex with a friend of a friend without discussing contraception. “He would have just assumed I was on the pill. He should probably have asked though, right?” Right. And she was. Kate thinks she must have accidentally skipped some pills, or that the pill just failed.
It took her six weeks before she realised she was pregnant. “When I tested positive, I threw up from the shock. I went into freeze mode, as though if I kept my body completely still, this whole thing would go away. I thought ‘this is something that happens to other people, not me’.”
She couldn’t bring herself to tell her sexual partner. “I threw up again just thinking about telling him. I felt sure he would want an abortion, based on comments he had made in a group setting about being terrified of getting a girl pregnant.”
So she decided to get an abortion. “I never second-guessed my decision to get one. We were young, not in a relationship, ambitious for our careers. I’d actually heard he had a new girlfriend, but that’s not why I didn’t tell him. I didn’t want a child. I knew he didn’t either.”
“Also, this may sound crazy, but I kind of felt I was doing him a favour by not telling him. That meant he didn’t have to deal with something that was my fault.”
It was a rough week. “I didn’t even have the money to get to the clinic. But my friend had always kept an emergency fund in case we or one of our friends had no money and needed an abortion.” (Abortion services are free for most New Zealand citizens and residents, but you might need to pay for a prescription fee, plus transport and other expenses.)
Kate has never felt guilty about having an abortion. She still sometimes feels guilty about not telling the man in question. “But I just couldn’t handle having to deal with an unpredictable reaction from him as well as going through this physical process.”
“I did think about telling him later on, but I didn’t. It felt like that disclosure would do more harm than good. I thought he might be angry about me not telling him in the first place.”
Should You Disclose?
I spoke to a counsellor, Jenny*, who has given advice to women in this situation, but who asked not to be named because she is giving generalised not individualised information. “Firstly, every situation is different. There’s no absolute right or wrong.”
“Personally, I think that if you get unexpectedly pregnant, and you’re in a relationship, your partner deserves to know, unless there’s any coercive control and unless you think they’ll try to talk you out of your decision to have or not have an abortion. Because ultimately it’s a woman’s decision over her own body.”
What if you get pregnant from a one-night stand? “Well, you might not even know how to get in touch with that person. But you can be pretty sure they don’t want a baby with someone who is effectively a stranger.”
I tell Jenny about Kate’s situation. “Kate was under no obligation to tell the ‘father’ about an abortion, especially if she already knew he would want an abortion. Given they weren’t in a relationship, it’s even more understandable why she made that decision. And if telling him would have made the process far more difficult for her, she did the right thing.”
“Also, I’d tell Kate that this man was equally responsible for the pregnancy given he didn’t use a condom and didn’t ask if she was on birth control.” Men, #ejaculateresponsibly! The contraceptive pill can fail. With ‘typical use’ not ‘perfect use’, eight in every 100 women taking the pill will become pregnant each year, usually due to incorrect use or forgetting to take their pill.
I ask Jenny: if a woman doesn’t tell the sexual partner at the time, knowing he’d want an abortion, is it okay to tell him later if you’re still in touch? “Well, everyone’s situation is different, but why tell him later if you didn’t tell him at the time? It could cause him distress about picturing what you went through or even anger that he couldn’t help. I mean, many men would probably want to pay some or all of the associated costs that come with getting an abortion, like transport, or something thoughtful like getting meals delivered afterwards.”
“But if not having told the man is really weighing on someone, or if they think it’s stopping them processing any trauma, then tell the man if you think that will help.”
Here’s what Health New Zealand | Te Whatu Ora has to say on its website. “You do not have to tell your partner, whānau or friends that you are having an abortion.”
“No one needs to know about your pregnancy or abortion. It is your decision who you tell but it can sometimes be supportive to talk to someone you trust.”
What Do Men Think?
There’s a post at r/AskMen on Reddit from a woman facing a quandary.
She’s 23, single and unexpectedly pregnant. “I don’t want to be pregnant and I’m not ready to have children right now. I plan on making an appointment to get the abortion pill.”
“I want to know if I should tell the ‘father’, let’s call him John as I really don’t want to keep referring to him as the ‘father’. John who is 24 was close friends with a good girlfriend of mine during college.” He lives two hours away. “We have been friends but not really that close for about five years now. Last month he was in town for a concert we both went to and we ended up having sex. He was in town a couple days and we playfully flirted during that time but John is not someone I want to get into a serious relationship with. He also just accepted a job offer that will relocate him about 12 hours away.”
“What should I do? Part of me wants to not tell him about it because I feel like this is something I can handle by myself. But another part of me wants someone to be there for me and I’m scared. I’m about 99% sure his first choice would be abortion as well – I’ve heard him say a couple times he never wants kids.”
“I can’t decide if telling him would be a good idea or not. So I’m wanting a man’s opinion on this. What do you think I should do?”
One man commented: “Honestly you are not with the guy anymore, and you seem to have made your choice, you will gain nothing telling him, and he will just feel worse”.
Another man says: “Regardless of the need/want for help and support, I think he has a right to at the very least know and be a part of the discussion”.
A third man says: “I would want to know, definitely. And if you need/want the support, what’s holding you back? I mean, the sex has the attached responsibility of dealing with the possible consequences.”
A fourth man says “My personal opinion: don’t tell him. It’s just going to create grief and doubt and he may talk you out of the abortion. I would not want to know. One time an ex-girlfriend jokingly told me she was pregnant and I almost had a heart attack or a panic attack… all I know is I got tunnel vision and almost passed out. Just take care of this issue yourself and be done with it.”
A fifth man says “If you decide not to tell him, please keep it from him [in the future]. I can’t speak for other men, but that would crush me. Not because I want to be a father right now or anything… I’d feel terrible because you felt you needed to hide it from me.”
But, basically, the best decision for you is the best decision.
*Visit Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa, DECIDE: Aotearoa’s National Abortion Telehealth Service, or Health New Zealand | Te Whatu Ora.
_______________
About the Author:
